Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dead Show bathroom tales

Written in 1986-87
One the many quirks about me is a bashful bladder. I can't piss in front of an audience to save my life. Now, to the average Joe Citizen, this ain't much of a big deal. To the Deadhead, this can be a serious problem. When I'm jamming with the band, the last thing I want to do is go take a piss, so I wait until the break and then make a mad dash to one of the two tiny bathrooms that the coliseum has so thoughtfully provided for 10,000 people. The other 9,999 people have the same idea at about the same time. The urinals are really nothing but a room long trough, and there's a line 20 deep. Oh yeah, if you got to take a dump you might as well forget about it, seeing as how there's only two stalls and besides that, do you really want to sit where several hundred tripping hippies have tried to piss? So, I wait for half an eternity before I finally belly up to the pisser and whip out my fireman and....strain and strain and strain. Not a fucking drop! AAARRRGGGHHH! I strain so hard I almost shit my pants, but it just ain't no use, Motherfucker! I swear, I might as well just cut my dick off. I can't piss when I need to the most, and I damned sure hadn't been getting no pussy lately. Motherfucker ain't no use to me at all, just something extra to wash, and then to make matters worse, a few times there's been women in there! Shit, talk about putting me under the gun! The women's bathroom is even worse than the men's, so these chicks don't mind sitting in hippie piss to avoid the long wait in their toilet. Well, think about it. Babes don't piss nearlyas fast as men do. Give me 15 seconds in a bathroom with no line (or audience), and I'm done. It'll take a sweetie a good 2 or 3 minutes, on account of they have to drop their drawers, squat, wipe or drip-dry, then reverse the process. That takes time. And a lot of chicks like to wash their hands every time they pee (babes don't piss, they pee), so add another what, half minute or so? So you can see why there's such along wait at the ladies tinkletorium. As a guy walks into the toilet, he's already whipping out his dick. By the time he gets to the pisser, he's about half done. He finishes up, gives himself a quick shake or two, buttons up and moves out smartly. He might wash his hands if he was to accidentally piss on them, or if somebody is watching him. These fucking hippies turn these potty breaks into some sort of social occasion. I mean, they really manage to have a good time while standing in other people's bodily waste. I've seen long-lost friends reunited, I've seen long lost lovers (no women involved) reunited, I've seen I don't know how many dope deals done, group hugs, rides across the country solicited, rides across the country offered, all in the fucking bathroom. Only a hippie can have that good a time in the bathroom. Here they are, laughing and joking and having a high time, and I'm standing there in agony with my dick in my hand, getting madder and madder by the second. It almost makes me want to go chop down a fucking pine tree or shoot an owl or pour motor oil on some birds, anything, just one thing to fuck up a hippie's day.