Saturday, September 20, 2008

Should've just killed the dog

About 12 years ago I was renting a house from a real asshole, basically just living there until we could find a house in a decent neighborhood to buy.
This house was built maybe in the 1950s and had a back patio surrounded in lattice covered in ivy that had been growing since...... well, the 1950s by the looks of it.
Anyways, Punkindog (who was maybe 4 years old - not a puppy by any means) made it his personal mission in life to tear that lattice down one slat at a time. No matter what I did, I could not keep that hound away from it.
After we found a house and was waiting for escrow to close I started going through the property and making any any minor repairs that were needed. The biggest one by far was the lattice but it was covered in this old ivy and the easiest way was just to buy some slats, stain them so they looked weathered (like I said, the landlord was an ass and I didn't want him to know the dog ate his wood), tack them up and kinda sorta weave the ivy back through it and hope he didn't notice. So I spent an entire morning doing this.
Napping in my easy chair that afternoon, I heard a SNAP! and vaulted out of that chair to see Punkin trotting across the yard with a 6 foot slat balanced in his mouth.
I ran him down, snatched the slat away from him and whacked him across the nose with it. Then I went in and went back to la-la land. About 15 minutes later, SNAP!
Why, you sorry sonofabitch! I go through the same drill again.
After a couple more slats, I get tired of this bullshit and call my vet to see if they have something there that either smells or tastes repulsive to dogs that I can put on the lattice, something that a human wouldn't notice.
Doc tells me to get a double fist full of jalepeno peppers, puree them and mix them into a tub of melted vaseline and then smear it on the lattice with a rag. That'll cure the dog for sure.
I decide I'll go one better. Instead of jalepenos (which I eat like candy - they aren't THAT hot) I decide to use habeneros. Now for those who aren't familiar with habeneros, these little fuckers will light your ass up. I can't even eat a piece of one without my nose running like a faucet, eyes like a stream and mouth feeling like I ate a red hot spike.
So I buy 2 dozen of these and go to the patio where I puree them and stir the gunk into a vat of simmering vaseline, giggling all the while. I can't wait to see what happens when that dog bites into that shit.
Okay. I put on some gloves, grab a rag to smear the lattice with this mess and go to work. I get some of it done and start to weave the ivy back through the slats. Then I go to looking for the rag I was using. Where the hell did I put it? I look over my shoulder and what do I see? My Punkin laying behind me with that habenero soaked rag between his paws just chewing away, tail thumping, thoroughly enjoying himself.
Fuck it. He won. I lost my deposit.

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