Monday, October 20, 2008
What do you mean "different"?
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
And there's a physician here - 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa?" asks the grandson.
"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!"
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
And there's a physician here - 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa?" asks the grandson.
"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!"
I did find a turtle, though
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man.
Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Wasted out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.
Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.
Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.
A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Wasted out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.
Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.
Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.
A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
New rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
I told you I could do it!
A medical evacuation in Afghanistan.
Tell me this pilot doesn't have balls that clang when he walks.
Mondays suck
Please forgive me this morning for my attitude. I have an 8:30 appointment to have a finger stuffed up my butt. Actually it's just a check-up and to have some blood work done but I know my doctor well.
I can go in for a broken bone and he'll tell me to drop my pants and bend over.
Everybody complains that their doctors have the fattest fingers in town but let me tell you what: My doctor has the longest fingers in town. He should've been a concert pianist. I swear, that man can tickle my tonsils from behind.
And to top matters off, I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and because I have to have blood work done, I can't have any of my ass-kicking lifesaving wonderful coffee this morning. Luckily his office isn't too far away so the number of people to run off the road is limited.
Grumph.
I can go in for a broken bone and he'll tell me to drop my pants and bend over.
Everybody complains that their doctors have the fattest fingers in town but let me tell you what: My doctor has the longest fingers in town. He should've been a concert pianist. I swear, that man can tickle my tonsils from behind.
And to top matters off, I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and because I have to have blood work done, I can't have any of my ass-kicking lifesaving wonderful coffee this morning. Luckily his office isn't too far away so the number of people to run off the road is limited.
Grumph.
Taking advantage of his hotspot
Here in Modesto, it seems like all the homeless people have cell phones. At first I was thinking that it was because they needed a contact for job interviews and stuff like that until I started hearing bits and pieces of their conversations. You guessed it - they needed contact with their drug connections.
Never believe the best in anybody. You'll get screwed.
Police arrest Mich. man for car wash vacuum sex
THOMAS TOWNSHIP, Mich. —
Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.
The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.
Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.
The suspect, whose name wasn't immediately released, is being held in the Saginaw County Jail.
Information from: The Saginaw News, http://www.mlive.com
I wonder why they wouldn't release his name?
It's not like he was whopping himself with live kitty cats or something else perverted like that.
Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.
The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.
Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.
The suspect, whose name wasn't immediately released, is being held in the Saginaw County Jail.
Information from: The Saginaw News, http://www.mlive.com
I wonder why they wouldn't release his name?
It's not like he was whopping himself with live kitty cats or something else perverted like that.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My old mining claim
This one of my old claims. You can see my claim notification on the tree above my truck, still there after 20 years. At least I think it's the same sign...... The claim looks completely abandoned judging by the brush that had grown back after I cleared it out.
This was one of the most accessible claims I've had. You could drive right up to it!
I bought the claim from a friend thinking that I could remove all the overburden right down to the country rock, clean out the gold and start living the good life within a week or two. Yeah, right. For one thing, there's only water there during the spring - the rest of the year it's dry diggins and that means backbreaking work.
See the pile of rock in the background of the 3rd picture down? That was the result of a solid weeks' work, and I never did hit bedrock.
I worked the claim just enough to make my purchase price and claim filing fees back then I gave it back to the scorpions, tarantulas and rattlesnakes. I was seriously outnumbered by them anyways......
California's Mother Lode
Most people think of The Mother Lode as quaint little towns along Highway 49. That just ain't so. This is what the Lode really looked like to the 49ers as they searched for gold back in the 1850s. And believe me, this is some tough motherfucking country - I know from experience. These 3 pictures were taken in Mariposa County, and I've prospected and mined in the locations shown.
In the top picture, I had some decent luck in the gulch covered by the trees, but it was so damned hard to get in there that I never bothered actually filing a claim. It took me a full day to pack uphill the 1000-1500 feet to get there. And by the time I was done a couple of days later I had 2 broken fingers, more scrapes and bruises that I could count, a burst blood vessel in my eye and I was covered in ticks.
The top of the hill in the middle picture supposedly had a couple of pockets of gold but I never found them. I did get a little flake gold from dry panning.
I had a claim down at the bottom of the gulch in the bottom picture but couldn't perform enough work to hold the claim as required by law. I lost the claim and when I decided to get serious about working it again somebody else had filed behind me.
Yeah, it's rough country. I couldn't imagine living and working it full time. At least I had a home to return to after I was wore out. The original miners didn't.
Gotta be California (again)
I'm running out of gay pictures. Time to make a run to the Castro in San Fransicko for a resupply.
Sweeney Todd
I had a hard time finding a barber that would cut my hair the way that I wanted it after I decided to start wearing it short. When I went to a "salon" they all wanted to cut it real short and "spikey."
Fuck that, I'm almost 50 years old.
A year ago I found an old timey barber shop that cut men's hair only. The barber had one chair, no waiting, and was my kinda guy. Shaved head, braided beard, ear plugs and heavily tattooed. The sort of guy that was craving a hold-up just so he could beat the fuck out of the robber.
The first time I went in there, there was a fine looking babe and her child there and Sweeney introduced me.
"I'm Sweeney Todd, I'm 42, this is my 21 year old wife and my one month old baby girl. You wanna talk shit about it?"
I knew then that I had found the right barber.
Fuck that, I'm almost 50 years old.
A year ago I found an old timey barber shop that cut men's hair only. The barber had one chair, no waiting, and was my kinda guy. Shaved head, braided beard, ear plugs and heavily tattooed. The sort of guy that was craving a hold-up just so he could beat the fuck out of the robber.
The first time I went in there, there was a fine looking babe and her child there and Sweeney introduced me.
"I'm Sweeney Todd, I'm 42, this is my 21 year old wife and my one month old baby girl. You wanna talk shit about it?"
I knew then that I had found the right barber.
My favorite blogs
http://wwwdaver1172.blogspot.com/
http://throwtheball.blogspot.com/
http://bitsandpieces.us/
http://chriswoodbooks.blogspot.com/
http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/
I get a lot of my material from these folks and more than a couple of laughs. If you haven't been to their sites yet, give them a whirl. If you like my stuff, you'll love theirs.
-Wirecutter (AKA Ken)
http://throwtheball.blogspot.com/
http://bitsandpieces.us/
http://chriswoodbooks.blogspot.com/
http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/
I get a lot of my material from these folks and more than a couple of laughs. If you haven't been to their sites yet, give them a whirl. If you like my stuff, you'll love theirs.
-Wirecutter (AKA Ken)
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