Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Audio recording - no video
From the Howard Stern Radio show:
A Stern co-hort went to Harlem and recorded some interviews with residents and asked them who they’d vote for and why? He then asked how they felt about Obama’s political positions, but inserted McCain’s actual positions instead …. including switching the VP’s as running mates. Very scary indeed.
Monday, October 20, 2008
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
And there's a physician here - 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa?" asks the grandson.
"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!"
Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Wasted out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.
Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.
Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.
A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
I can go in for a broken bone and he'll tell me to drop my pants and bend over.
Everybody complains that their doctors have the fattest fingers in town but let me tell you what: My doctor has the longest fingers in town. He should've been a concert pianist. I swear, that man can tickle my tonsils from behind.
And to top matters off, I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and because I have to have blood work done, I can't have any of my ass-kicking lifesaving wonderful coffee this morning. Luckily his office isn't too far away so the number of people to run off the road is limited.
Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.
The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.
Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.
The suspect, whose name wasn't immediately released, is being held in the Saginaw County Jail.
Information from: The Saginaw News, http://www.mlive.com
I wonder why they wouldn't release his name?
It's not like he was whopping himself with live kitty cats or something else perverted like that.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
This one of my old claims. You can see my claim notification on the tree above my truck, still there after 20 years. At least I think it's the same sign...... The claim looks completely abandoned judging by the brush that had grown back after I cleared it out.
Most people think of The Mother Lode as quaint little towns along Highway 49. That just ain't so. This is what the Lode really looked like to the 49ers as they searched for gold back in the 1850s. And believe me, this is some tough motherfucking country - I know from experience. These 3 pictures were taken in Mariposa County, and I've prospected and mined in the locations shown.