Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Who said that?
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. Pedro was very proud to be an American.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Monday, November 24, 2008
A revenge tip from Wirecutter
Do you have a neighbor that you just absolutely hate (if not, you can have 4 or 5 of mine) and want to fuck with?
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.
Only in Tex-ass
Two men are pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrolman. When the trooper reaches their car he leans inside and smacks the driver on the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell did you do that for?” the driver asks.
The trooper responds, “You know damn good and well that when I step up here you’re supposed to have your driver’s license and proof of insurance ready for me to check.”
After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell are you doing?” the passenger screams.
“I’m just granting your wish,” replies the trooper.
“What wish?” asks the man.
“I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you’re gonna lean over to your friend there and say, ‘I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.’”
From www.deaddog.com
“What the hell did you do that for?” the driver asks.
The trooper responds, “You know damn good and well that when I step up here you’re supposed to have your driver’s license and proof of insurance ready for me to check.”
After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell are you doing?” the passenger screams.
“I’m just granting your wish,” replies the trooper.
“What wish?” asks the man.
“I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you’re gonna lean over to your friend there and say, ‘I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.’”
From www.deaddog.com
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The weenie contest
Three third graders from Arkansas , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black child are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'
They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called who got the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I be black. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you be sixteen and still in the third grade.'
They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called who got the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I be black. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you be sixteen and still in the third grade.'
That'll teach you
The news story below reminds me of the time when I got arrested when I was 15-16 years old. I was handcuffed in the back of the car and decided to start mouthing off to the cop: "You ain't so tough, you fat sonofabitch. Pull this motherfucker over, take off my cuffs and your gun and I'll beat your ass."
The cop pretty much ignored me for awhile until he had enough of my bullshit, then said "Son, I can fuck you up without even getting out of this car."
Mouthy Me: "Yeah? Well, do it then, Asshole!"
He did. He hit the brakes, throwing me face first into the screen separating the back seat from the front seat, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip.
"Fucker! What the hell.... I'll have your ass for that!" I sputtered.
He just laughed. "What, you didn't see that dog that ran out in front of the car?"
I shut up.
The cop pretty much ignored me for awhile until he had enough of my bullshit, then said "Son, I can fuck you up without even getting out of this car."
Mouthy Me: "Yeah? Well, do it then, Asshole!"
He did. He hit the brakes, throwing me face first into the screen separating the back seat from the front seat, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip.
"Fucker! What the hell.... I'll have your ass for that!" I sputtered.
He just laughed. "What, you didn't see that dog that ran out in front of the car?"
I shut up.
That'll teach you Part II
AMBRIDGE, Pa. —
A school bus driver will be charged with endangering a 10-year-old boy for intentionally braking suddenly so the boy would fall down, police said. The driver was upset because the boy would not remain in his seat, Harmony Township police Sgt. Jim Essek said. The driver told the boy to stop moving around before allegedly threatening him by saying, "If you do it again, I'll knock you down," Essek said.
When the fourth-grader moved around again, the bus driver hit the brakes.
The incident happened Tuesday in the Ambridge Area School District, about 25 miles northwest of Pittsburgh. Police Chief Jack Lively said police will not release the driver's identity until charges are filed, likely by Monday.
Police have seized a surveillance video from the bus. The boy was knocked to the floor out of camera view, but is seen getting up holding his face. Other students are knocked around and one is flipped over a seat.
The driver and the boy have had run-ins before, parents said.
The boy's mother claimed he was "singled out" for discipline when students got rowdy in the past and asked school officials to have someone monitor the bus. Lively said the monitor was on the bus Tuesday, but didn't get out of his seat to intervene.
School officials said they are reviewing the incident.
Information from: Beaver County Times, http://www.timesonline.com/
A school bus driver will be charged with endangering a 10-year-old boy for intentionally braking suddenly so the boy would fall down, police said. The driver was upset because the boy would not remain in his seat, Harmony Township police Sgt. Jim Essek said. The driver told the boy to stop moving around before allegedly threatening him by saying, "If you do it again, I'll knock you down," Essek said.
When the fourth-grader moved around again, the bus driver hit the brakes.
The incident happened Tuesday in the Ambridge Area School District, about 25 miles northwest of Pittsburgh. Police Chief Jack Lively said police will not release the driver's identity until charges are filed, likely by Monday.
Police have seized a surveillance video from the bus. The boy was knocked to the floor out of camera view, but is seen getting up holding his face. Other students are knocked around and one is flipped over a seat.
The driver and the boy have had run-ins before, parents said.
The boy's mother claimed he was "singled out" for discipline when students got rowdy in the past and asked school officials to have someone monitor the bus. Lively said the monitor was on the bus Tuesday, but didn't get out of his seat to intervene.
School officials said they are reviewing the incident.
Information from: Beaver County Times, http://www.timesonline.com/
Upscale dog carrier
I wonder, I really do, if the backs of her legs are spotted with Fluffy's pee & poo.
Deb, you think you have problems with prices?
I paid 6 bucks (!!!) for a six pack of ultra-plush (I do have a delicate heinie, ya know) Charmin toilet paper today.
I'm thinking I need to either quit eating or using my toilet. Or maybe foregoing my morning cup of asskicking eye-opening wonderful coffee until I get on the road so I can use the Company's TP.
Six bucks for a six pack of toilet paper? Give me a break......
http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/2008/11/armageddon-is-tonight-or-tomorrow.html
I'm thinking I need to either quit eating or using my toilet. Or maybe foregoing my morning cup of asskicking eye-opening wonderful coffee until I get on the road so I can use the Company's TP.
Six bucks for a six pack of toilet paper? Give me a break......
http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/2008/11/armageddon-is-tonight-or-tomorrow.html
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Straight up White Trash, God bless her
Straight up White Trash:
Facial hair, tobacco products, dirty dishes on the counter behind her, and sitting in a trailer. Plus it looks like she may be scratching herself.
You go, Girl!
Fucking Okies...... :-)
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Dallas, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!"
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tulsa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Oklahoma."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain't ya?"
"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tulsa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Oklahoma."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain't ya?"
"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
You're scheduled for um, let's see, 10/29/09
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
She must not be a natural blonde...
A blonde walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
They're STILL pissed about that?
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
A dream come true? Or a nightmare?
A redneck was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem and had to have his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.
"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."
Bubba said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"
"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!"
Bubba said, "Oh yeah, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes" says the Doc.
"What's in the third box?"
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"
Bubba is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR!" replies the Doc.
Bubba had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"
"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."
Bubba said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"
"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!"
Bubba said, "Oh yeah, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes" says the Doc.
"What's in the third box?"
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"
Bubba is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR!" replies the Doc.
Bubba had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My apologies
Folks, I'm sorry that most of my posts during the week are mainly pictures and no text, funny stories or jokes but the fact of the matter is after loading trucks or working on the dock for 10 hours and driving an hour each way to and from Tracy, I'm just flat fucking wore out. It's all I can do to drag my ass into the shower and fix a hot meal.
I'll try to add a little variety during the weekends.
Thanks for bearing with me.
-Wirecutter
I'll try to add a little variety during the weekends.
Thanks for bearing with me.
-Wirecutter
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
BOO!!!!!
My Punkindog is about 16 years old and deaf as a doorpost which is really cool because I can scare the shit out of him at least a half a dozen times a night just by reaching out and touching him.
It doesn't take much to keep me amused.
It doesn't take much to keep me amused.
I'm voting for both
We're having a general election for Union officials in my Teamsters Local. The way the thing is set up, you can vote for all 4 officers as one (called a "Slate") or you can vote for them individually. Most of us Old School Teamsters support the existing slate known as The Stronger Together slate while the newer, younger guys support the Members Choice slate. Anyways, each slate has posters everywhere and they're selling Tshirts to support their campaigns. Every day almost everybody is wearing either a black and gold shirt or a red and white shirt, depending on who you support. And believe me, the supporters are very adamant on their candidates, almost to the point of violence at times.
I ran across one of my fellow loaders wearing this today. At first I thought Mr. Ochoa was just undecided but he told me no, he just didn't want to piss anybody off so he had his wife stitch 2 halves together.
Talk about straddling a fence......
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