Thursday, November 27, 2008
Heh heh heh
Some people are like Slinkies...... They're really not good for anything, but it still brings a smile to your face when you push 'em down the stairs.
What Thanksgiving is to me
It's a day to hit the lakes to catch some big ass trout and not see another living soul.
And that's where I'd be right now if I wasn't so fucking sick. Seriously, my head is so congested it feels like it's going to explode, my throat feels like sandpaper, my nose is running like a faucet (good thing I have a mustache to catch it) and my stomach is so upset that I seriously doubt I'll be able to keep my Thanksgiving BLTs (mmmm, bacon) down.
And I have to work a full shift tomorrow in order to get paid for today.
And that's where I'd be right now if I wasn't so fucking sick. Seriously, my head is so congested it feels like it's going to explode, my throat feels like sandpaper, my nose is running like a faucet (good thing I have a mustache to catch it) and my stomach is so upset that I seriously doubt I'll be able to keep my Thanksgiving BLTs (mmmm, bacon) down.
And I have to work a full shift tomorrow in order to get paid for today.
Gotta be California (again)
Only a Californian couldn't tell the difference between a cat and a possum.....
When you're good, you're good
A gynacologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynacologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you the extra 50% because you managed to do all of it through the exhaust."
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynacologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you the extra 50% because you managed to do all of it through the exhaust."
Kinda sorta obvious, don't you think?
An Okie decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "That a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the Okie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That the front."
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "That a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the Okie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That the front."
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wait 'til they hit 50 years
After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in way she hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent, then turned on the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded:"I found the remote."
To which he responded:"I found the remote."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Who said that?
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. Pedro was very proud to be an American.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Monday, November 24, 2008
A revenge tip from Wirecutter
Do you have a neighbor that you just absolutely hate (if not, you can have 4 or 5 of mine) and want to fuck with?
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.
Only in Tex-ass
Two men are pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrolman. When the trooper reaches their car he leans inside and smacks the driver on the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell did you do that for?” the driver asks.
The trooper responds, “You know damn good and well that when I step up here you’re supposed to have your driver’s license and proof of insurance ready for me to check.”
After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell are you doing?” the passenger screams.
“I’m just granting your wish,” replies the trooper.
“What wish?” asks the man.
“I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you’re gonna lean over to your friend there and say, ‘I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.’”
From www.deaddog.com
“What the hell did you do that for?” the driver asks.
The trooper responds, “You know damn good and well that when I step up here you’re supposed to have your driver’s license and proof of insurance ready for me to check.”
After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell are you doing?” the passenger screams.
“I’m just granting your wish,” replies the trooper.
“What wish?” asks the man.
“I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you’re gonna lean over to your friend there and say, ‘I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.’”
From www.deaddog.com
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The weenie contest
Three third graders from Arkansas , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black child are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'
They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called who got the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I be black. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you be sixteen and still in the third grade.'
They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called who got the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I be black. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you be sixteen and still in the third grade.'
That'll teach you
The news story below reminds me of the time when I got arrested when I was 15-16 years old. I was handcuffed in the back of the car and decided to start mouthing off to the cop: "You ain't so tough, you fat sonofabitch. Pull this motherfucker over, take off my cuffs and your gun and I'll beat your ass."
The cop pretty much ignored me for awhile until he had enough of my bullshit, then said "Son, I can fuck you up without even getting out of this car."
Mouthy Me: "Yeah? Well, do it then, Asshole!"
He did. He hit the brakes, throwing me face first into the screen separating the back seat from the front seat, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip.
"Fucker! What the hell.... I'll have your ass for that!" I sputtered.
He just laughed. "What, you didn't see that dog that ran out in front of the car?"
I shut up.
The cop pretty much ignored me for awhile until he had enough of my bullshit, then said "Son, I can fuck you up without even getting out of this car."
Mouthy Me: "Yeah? Well, do it then, Asshole!"
He did. He hit the brakes, throwing me face first into the screen separating the back seat from the front seat, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip.
"Fucker! What the hell.... I'll have your ass for that!" I sputtered.
He just laughed. "What, you didn't see that dog that ran out in front of the car?"
I shut up.
That'll teach you Part II
AMBRIDGE, Pa. —
A school bus driver will be charged with endangering a 10-year-old boy for intentionally braking suddenly so the boy would fall down, police said. The driver was upset because the boy would not remain in his seat, Harmony Township police Sgt. Jim Essek said. The driver told the boy to stop moving around before allegedly threatening him by saying, "If you do it again, I'll knock you down," Essek said.
When the fourth-grader moved around again, the bus driver hit the brakes.
The incident happened Tuesday in the Ambridge Area School District, about 25 miles northwest of Pittsburgh. Police Chief Jack Lively said police will not release the driver's identity until charges are filed, likely by Monday.
Police have seized a surveillance video from the bus. The boy was knocked to the floor out of camera view, but is seen getting up holding his face. Other students are knocked around and one is flipped over a seat.
The driver and the boy have had run-ins before, parents said.
The boy's mother claimed he was "singled out" for discipline when students got rowdy in the past and asked school officials to have someone monitor the bus. Lively said the monitor was on the bus Tuesday, but didn't get out of his seat to intervene.
School officials said they are reviewing the incident.
Information from: Beaver County Times, http://www.timesonline.com/
A school bus driver will be charged with endangering a 10-year-old boy for intentionally braking suddenly so the boy would fall down, police said. The driver was upset because the boy would not remain in his seat, Harmony Township police Sgt. Jim Essek said. The driver told the boy to stop moving around before allegedly threatening him by saying, "If you do it again, I'll knock you down," Essek said.
When the fourth-grader moved around again, the bus driver hit the brakes.
The incident happened Tuesday in the Ambridge Area School District, about 25 miles northwest of Pittsburgh. Police Chief Jack Lively said police will not release the driver's identity until charges are filed, likely by Monday.
Police have seized a surveillance video from the bus. The boy was knocked to the floor out of camera view, but is seen getting up holding his face. Other students are knocked around and one is flipped over a seat.
The driver and the boy have had run-ins before, parents said.
The boy's mother claimed he was "singled out" for discipline when students got rowdy in the past and asked school officials to have someone monitor the bus. Lively said the monitor was on the bus Tuesday, but didn't get out of his seat to intervene.
School officials said they are reviewing the incident.
Information from: Beaver County Times, http://www.timesonline.com/
Upscale dog carrier
I wonder, I really do, if the backs of her legs are spotted with Fluffy's pee & poo.
Deb, you think you have problems with prices?
I paid 6 bucks (!!!) for a six pack of ultra-plush (I do have a delicate heinie, ya know) Charmin toilet paper today.
I'm thinking I need to either quit eating or using my toilet. Or maybe foregoing my morning cup of asskicking eye-opening wonderful coffee until I get on the road so I can use the Company's TP.
Six bucks for a six pack of toilet paper? Give me a break......
http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/2008/11/armageddon-is-tonight-or-tomorrow.html
I'm thinking I need to either quit eating or using my toilet. Or maybe foregoing my morning cup of asskicking eye-opening wonderful coffee until I get on the road so I can use the Company's TP.
Six bucks for a six pack of toilet paper? Give me a break......
http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/2008/11/armageddon-is-tonight-or-tomorrow.html
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Straight up White Trash, God bless her
Straight up White Trash:
Facial hair, tobacco products, dirty dishes on the counter behind her, and sitting in a trailer. Plus it looks like she may be scratching herself.
You go, Girl!
Fucking Okies...... :-)
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Dallas, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!"
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tulsa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Oklahoma."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain't ya?"
"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tulsa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Oklahoma."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain't ya?"
"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
You're scheduled for um, let's see, 10/29/09
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
She must not be a natural blonde...
A blonde walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
They're STILL pissed about that?
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
A dream come true? Or a nightmare?
A redneck was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem and had to have his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.
"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."
Bubba said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"
"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!"
Bubba said, "Oh yeah, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes" says the Doc.
"What's in the third box?"
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"
Bubba is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR!" replies the Doc.
Bubba had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"
"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."
Bubba said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"
"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!"
Bubba said, "Oh yeah, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes" says the Doc.
"What's in the third box?"
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"
Bubba is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR!" replies the Doc.
Bubba had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"
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