Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm alive. Barely.

Well, as you can see by today's posts, I'm still in this world. I don't see how that is possible as shitty as I feel, but I am.
I made it to work yesterday and signed up for an early out as soon as I walked into the office. In order for me to get paid for Thanksgiving I had to show up, but if they decided they had too many people for the work, they could let some leave and they would get paid. Seeing as I was the number one loader on the dock I figured there was a pretty good chance that I'd be able to slide out of there, so I signed up.
I knew it would be a few hours before Management figured out the work load so I settled in for the long haul. By lunchtime I was starting to feel half-assed human again and was entertaining my friends by showing them that when I jumped up and down they could see my man titties bounce until I saw my boss headed my way so I had to cut that shit out and act sick again.
It worked. He said that he'd let me go at 2:30. Now this was only 2 hours short of a full 10 hour shift but what the fuck, I'll take whatever I could get.
When I hit the clock at 2:30 I could still breathe so I swung by the grocery store and did my weekly shopping before I went home. Suprisingly, I was actually feeling pretty damned good and was considering going fishing in the morning.
About 2 AM I woke up gagging on my own bodily fluids and sliding off my mucus covered pillow. Uh-oh, this isn't good. I grabbed a handful of dollar-a-roll butt wipe (Real Men don't use tissues) and tried to blow my nose, but my nose was so jammed up the only thing I blew was a nasty ol' fart. Back pressure, ya know? I staggered into the bathroom and climbed into a hot shower trying to clear my sinuses but that didn't even work.
I wandered into the kitchen after kicking the Evil Cats out of the way and turned on the coffee pot, feeling worse and worse every minute. Finally I said to hell with it and laid down on the couch (I needed something fresh to snot up) with a good book and Punkindog who was careful to stay out of sneezing range until I finally fell back asleep.
About noontime Mom called and asked if I was feeling any better. When I told her that I was actually feeling worse, she asked what I was doing about it. When I told her that I had switched from Copenhagen Long Cut to Wintergreen Skoal to soothe my throat, I'd have sworn I could hear her muttering "Oh, you fucking dumbass ......" then she offered to bring me over some medication and soup. Right on, Mom.
So, here I sit in bed with a bottle of Tylenol Cold Multi Symptom De-snotter, FloNase, a bottle of bourbon (medicinal of course) and a can of Wintergreen Skoal.
But at least I got a free meal out of the deal. And who knows, maybe I can still go fishing tomorrow.......

That's it, we're truly fucked now

Thanks, VC


Keep your finger OFF the trigger until you're ready to shoot, Deadeye.

Keepin a Brotha down

Talk about pissed off......

Why, why, why????

Farming fuck ups

Oooh, gotta get this one

So many choices, so little time


Made for each other

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Why is everybody following me?

Material Safety Data Sheet - Woman

Heh heh heh

Some people are like Slinkies...... They're really not good for anything, but it still brings a smile to your face when you push 'em down the stairs.

What Thanksgiving is to me

It's a day to hit the lakes to catch some big ass trout and not see another living soul.
And that's where I'd be right now if I wasn't so fucking sick. Seriously, my head is so congested it feels like it's going to explode, my throat feels like sandpaper, my nose is running like a faucet (good thing I have a mustache to catch it) and my stomach is so upset that I seriously doubt I'll be able to keep my Thanksgiving BLTs (mmmm, bacon) down.
And I have to work a full shift tomorrow in order to get paid for today.

He ran off with my imaginary girlfriend

Gotta be California (again)

Only a Californian couldn't tell the difference between a cat and a possum.....

Okie yard sale

When you're good, you're good

A gynacologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynacologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you the extra 50% because you managed to do all of it through the exhaust."

Yeah, and I hope you have to work 10 hours of overtime, asshole

A no bullshit restroom sign

Kinda sorta obvious, don't you think?

An Okie decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "That a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the Okie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That the front."
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!"
He got the job and is now the foreman.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Wait 'til they hit 50 years

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in way she hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent, then turned on the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded:"I found the remote."

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

That's what I wanna know

GILF (Well, maybe in a few years)

Who said that?

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. Pedro was very proud to be an American.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Monday, November 24, 2008

Yeah, life is good

I'm very excited in this picture as you can tell.

A revenge tip from Wirecutter

Do you have a neighbor that you just absolutely hate (if not, you can have 4 or 5 of mine) and want to fuck with?
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.

Gotta be California (again)

Straight up White Trash, God bless her

Wow, humans DO shit in the woods!!

My future second ex-wife

Watch your 'nads, guys

Redneck weinie roast

Thanks Polly

Only in Tex-ass

Two men are pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrolman. When the trooper reaches their car he leans inside and smacks the driver on the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell did you do that for?” the driver asks.
The trooper responds, “You know damn good and well that when I step up here you’re supposed to have your driver’s license and proof of insurance ready for me to check.”
After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.
“What the hell are you doing?” the passenger screams.
“I’m just granting your wish,” replies the trooper.
“What wish?” asks the man.
“I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you’re gonna lean over to your friend there and say, ‘I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.’”

Sunday, November 23, 2008

When Dykes get mad

Beautiful scenic Stockton

Uh, no thanks

Boys and their toys

The weenie contest

Three third graders from Arkansas , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black child are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'
They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called who got the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I be black. Is that true?
'No, Leroy. It's because you be sixteen and still in the third grade.'


A cake for every occasion

That'll teach you

The news story below reminds me of the time when I got arrested when I was 15-16 years old. I was handcuffed in the back of the car and decided to start mouthing off to the cop: "You ain't so tough, you fat sonofabitch. Pull this motherfucker over, take off my cuffs and your gun and I'll beat your ass."
The cop pretty much ignored me for awhile until he had enough of my bullshit, then said "Son, I can fuck you up without even getting out of this car."
Mouthy Me: "Yeah? Well, do it then, Asshole!"
He did. He hit the brakes, throwing me face first into the screen separating the back seat from the front seat, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip.
"Fucker! What the hell.... I'll have your ass for that!" I sputtered.
He just laughed. "What, you didn't see that dog that ran out in front of the car?"
I shut up.

That'll teach you Part II

A school bus driver will be charged with endangering a 10-year-old boy for intentionally braking suddenly so the boy would fall down, police said. The driver was upset because the boy would not remain in his seat, Harmony Township police Sgt. Jim Essek said. The driver told the boy to stop moving around before allegedly threatening him by saying, "If you do it again, I'll knock you down," Essek said.
When the fourth-grader moved around again, the bus driver hit the brakes.
The incident happened Tuesday in the Ambridge Area School District, about 25 miles northwest of Pittsburgh. Police Chief Jack Lively said police will not release the driver's identity until charges are filed, likely by Monday.
Police have seized a surveillance video from the bus. The boy was knocked to the floor out of camera view, but is seen getting up holding his face. Other students are knocked around and one is flipped over a seat.
The driver and the boy have had run-ins before, parents said.
The boy's mother claimed he was "singled out" for discipline when students got rowdy in the past and asked school officials to have someone monitor the bus. Lively said the monitor was on the bus Tuesday, but didn't get out of his seat to intervene.
School officials said they are reviewing the incident.
Information from: Beaver County Times,

Straight up White Trash, God bless her

Woohoo!! Party on!! YEAH!!!!

A rotary engine bike

I prefer breasts and thighs myself

So that's why Neverland was sold

Gotta be California (again)


Area code... Give me a fucking area code...

What a lovely couple

And who says Texas cops don't have a sense of humor?

Upscale dog carrier

I wonder, I really do, if the backs of her legs are spotted with Fluffy's pee & poo.