Sunday, November 30, 2008
That about sums it up
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” —Ernest Benn
re: Comment on Farming fuck ups
I got the comment below from Mr Ride Fast at http://ridenshoot.blogspot.com/ and decided to add a comment to his and didn't want to bury it.
Wouldn't you love to hear the explanations for how these happened. Wide open county, nothing to run into for miles except the pond and they end up in the pond. How do you not see a high tension power line tower? Sheesh!
I remember a story I read in Louie Boyd's column in the paper a few years ago that somewhere (bear with me here, I'm old and my memory is shot) in the Sahara there is an oasis with a tree. Mind you, this is the only tree within several hundred miles and records show that in the '70s it was hit by a lorry.
WTF?
Wouldn't you love to hear the explanations for how these happened. Wide open county, nothing to run into for miles except the pond and they end up in the pond. How do you not see a high tension power line tower? Sheesh!
I remember a story I read in Louie Boyd's column in the paper a few years ago that somewhere (bear with me here, I'm old and my memory is shot) in the Sahara there is an oasis with a tree. Mind you, this is the only tree within several hundred miles and records show that in the '70s it was hit by a lorry.
WTF?
Talk about having a bad day
SANTA FE, N.M. —
A 21-year-old man was accused of driving drunk and leading police on a chase that finally ended with him running over himself. The man was treated for minor injuries at a Santa Fe hospital and booked in to the Sandoval County detention center on charges of aggravated driving while intoxicated, fleeing a police officer, careless driving and two other outstanding traffic warrants.
A tip to the state's DrunkBuster hot line Sunday afternoon alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver.
State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man's pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop.
After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.
Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver's side tire.
A 21-year-old man was accused of driving drunk and leading police on a chase that finally ended with him running over himself. The man was treated for minor injuries at a Santa Fe hospital and booked in to the Sandoval County detention center on charges of aggravated driving while intoxicated, fleeing a police officer, careless driving and two other outstanding traffic warrants.
A tip to the state's DrunkBuster hot line Sunday afternoon alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver.
State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man's pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop.
After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.
Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver's side tire.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I'm alive. Barely.
Well, as you can see by today's posts, I'm still in this world. I don't see how that is possible as shitty as I feel, but I am.
I made it to work yesterday and signed up for an early out as soon as I walked into the office. In order for me to get paid for Thanksgiving I had to show up, but if they decided they had too many people for the work, they could let some leave and they would get paid. Seeing as I was the number one loader on the dock I figured there was a pretty good chance that I'd be able to slide out of there, so I signed up.
I knew it would be a few hours before Management figured out the work load so I settled in for the long haul. By lunchtime I was starting to feel half-assed human again and was entertaining my friends by showing them that when I jumped up and down they could see my man titties bounce until I saw my boss headed my way so I had to cut that shit out and act sick again.
It worked. He said that he'd let me go at 2:30. Now this was only 2 hours short of a full 10 hour shift but what the fuck, I'll take whatever I could get.
When I hit the clock at 2:30 I could still breathe so I swung by the grocery store and did my weekly shopping before I went home. Suprisingly, I was actually feeling pretty damned good and was considering going fishing in the morning.
About 2 AM I woke up gagging on my own bodily fluids and sliding off my mucus covered pillow. Uh-oh, this isn't good. I grabbed a handful of dollar-a-roll butt wipe (Real Men don't use tissues) and tried to blow my nose, but my nose was so jammed up the only thing I blew was a nasty ol' fart. Back pressure, ya know? I staggered into the bathroom and climbed into a hot shower trying to clear my sinuses but that didn't even work.
I wandered into the kitchen after kicking the Evil Cats out of the way and turned on the coffee pot, feeling worse and worse every minute. Finally I said to hell with it and laid down on the couch (I needed something fresh to snot up) with a good book and Punkindog who was careful to stay out of sneezing range until I finally fell back asleep.
About noontime Mom called and asked if I was feeling any better. When I told her that I was actually feeling worse, she asked what I was doing about it. When I told her that I had switched from Copenhagen Long Cut to Wintergreen Skoal to soothe my throat, I'd have sworn I could hear her muttering "Oh, you fucking dumbass ......" then she offered to bring me over some medication and soup. Right on, Mom.
So, here I sit in bed with a bottle of Tylenol Cold Multi Symptom De-snotter, FloNase, a bottle of bourbon (medicinal of course) and a can of Wintergreen Skoal.
But at least I got a free meal out of the deal. And who knows, maybe I can still go fishing tomorrow.......
I made it to work yesterday and signed up for an early out as soon as I walked into the office. In order for me to get paid for Thanksgiving I had to show up, but if they decided they had too many people for the work, they could let some leave and they would get paid. Seeing as I was the number one loader on the dock I figured there was a pretty good chance that I'd be able to slide out of there, so I signed up.
I knew it would be a few hours before Management figured out the work load so I settled in for the long haul. By lunchtime I was starting to feel half-assed human again and was entertaining my friends by showing them that when I jumped up and down they could see my man titties bounce until I saw my boss headed my way so I had to cut that shit out and act sick again.
It worked. He said that he'd let me go at 2:30. Now this was only 2 hours short of a full 10 hour shift but what the fuck, I'll take whatever I could get.
When I hit the clock at 2:30 I could still breathe so I swung by the grocery store and did my weekly shopping before I went home. Suprisingly, I was actually feeling pretty damned good and was considering going fishing in the morning.
About 2 AM I woke up gagging on my own bodily fluids and sliding off my mucus covered pillow. Uh-oh, this isn't good. I grabbed a handful of dollar-a-roll butt wipe (Real Men don't use tissues) and tried to blow my nose, but my nose was so jammed up the only thing I blew was a nasty ol' fart. Back pressure, ya know? I staggered into the bathroom and climbed into a hot shower trying to clear my sinuses but that didn't even work.
I wandered into the kitchen after kicking the Evil Cats out of the way and turned on the coffee pot, feeling worse and worse every minute. Finally I said to hell with it and laid down on the couch (I needed something fresh to snot up) with a good book and Punkindog who was careful to stay out of sneezing range until I finally fell back asleep.
About noontime Mom called and asked if I was feeling any better. When I told her that I was actually feeling worse, she asked what I was doing about it. When I told her that I had switched from Copenhagen Long Cut to Wintergreen Skoal to soothe my throat, I'd have sworn I could hear her muttering "Oh, you fucking dumbass ......" then she offered to bring me over some medication and soup. Right on, Mom.
So, here I sit in bed with a bottle of Tylenol Cold Multi Symptom De-snotter, FloNase, a bottle of bourbon (medicinal of course) and a can of Wintergreen Skoal.
But at least I got a free meal out of the deal. And who knows, maybe I can still go fishing tomorrow.......
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Heh heh heh
Some people are like Slinkies...... They're really not good for anything, but it still brings a smile to your face when you push 'em down the stairs.
What Thanksgiving is to me
It's a day to hit the lakes to catch some big ass trout and not see another living soul.
And that's where I'd be right now if I wasn't so fucking sick. Seriously, my head is so congested it feels like it's going to explode, my throat feels like sandpaper, my nose is running like a faucet (good thing I have a mustache to catch it) and my stomach is so upset that I seriously doubt I'll be able to keep my Thanksgiving BLTs (mmmm, bacon) down.
And I have to work a full shift tomorrow in order to get paid for today.
And that's where I'd be right now if I wasn't so fucking sick. Seriously, my head is so congested it feels like it's going to explode, my throat feels like sandpaper, my nose is running like a faucet (good thing I have a mustache to catch it) and my stomach is so upset that I seriously doubt I'll be able to keep my Thanksgiving BLTs (mmmm, bacon) down.
And I have to work a full shift tomorrow in order to get paid for today.
Gotta be California (again)
Only a Californian couldn't tell the difference between a cat and a possum.....
When you're good, you're good
A gynacologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynacologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you the extra 50% because you managed to do all of it through the exhaust."
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynacologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you the extra 50% because you managed to do all of it through the exhaust."
Kinda sorta obvious, don't you think?
An Okie decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "That a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the Okie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That the front."
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "That a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the Okie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That the front."
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wait 'til they hit 50 years
After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in way she hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent, then turned on the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded:"I found the remote."
To which he responded:"I found the remote."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Who said that?
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. Pedro was very proud to be an American.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Monday, November 24, 2008
A revenge tip from Wirecutter
Do you have a neighbor that you just absolutely hate (if not, you can have 4 or 5 of mine) and want to fuck with?
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.
Go to your local market and buy a bag of birdseed. The more kinds of seed in the bag, the better. Wait until the middle of the night and scatter the seed EVERYWHERE in their yard, especially in their little flower gardens alongside the house.
In just a couple of weeks they'll have some very bizarre & noxious weeds growing.
By the way, if you've got some serious White Trash neighbors, this won't work. They'll never notice new weeds.
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