Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Okay, I got tagged by LulaBelle http://whatsinalulabelle.blogspot.com/ for this honesty thing. I'm supposed to post 10 things about myself.
1) I am directionally dyslexic - you know, I get lost. A lot. I can get lost in the drive-thru of the local Taco Bell. And I'm hopeless in a hospital. I'll stop in and visit a stranger just so I can sit down for a minute. This a little embarrassing considering my favorite thing to do is camp, fish and hike up in the mountains.
2) I do not own a single pair of shoes, yet I have 6 pairs of boots. Even my work safety shoes are steel toed cowboy boots.
3) I have broken more bones than anybody I know, so many that I myself have lost count. My major breaks were a skull fracture in 1974 in a motorcycle accident, another skull fracture when I went through the windshield of my bud’s car in 1980. Yeah, we were drunk. Then I broke my back in 1980 (that was a bad year) in an asskick.
4) I drink way too much. I was sober for 20 years until I started going through my divorce, then I started back up trying to relax. I don’t drink every day, but when I do I’ll drink until I run out of alcohol or I get so fucked up I have to crash.
5) I don’t trust anybody completely. I’ve been that way as long as I can remember and just about the time I really start to let go and really trust somebody, I get fucked over and around.
6) I have never watched an entire sports game on TV in my life. I have gone to a couple baseball games with friends and while I had a great time when I was there, it isn’t anything I have any desire to follow once I leave the stadium.
7) I absolutely detest dope fiends. I know, I’ve made it no secret that I’ve used drugs before, but that’s just the way I feel. I’m not talking about potheads, I’m talking about addicts - people whose lives are run by their fucking drugs. Maybe it has something to do with the number of family and friends I’ve seen go into the ground over the years.
8) I’ve been known to go days at a time without speaking a word if there wasn’t anything worth saying.
9) I tend to make inappropriate comments at the oddest times. An example: A few years back one of the most liked and respected members of the workforce at my warehouse was killed in a car accident. When I was told of the news, I turned to my Bud Rick and said “All right, we just moved up one in seniority!”
10) Last but not least - Not only do I put the seat down but I also close the lid when I flush.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Never ever go into the Dentist's office with a load of Copenhagen still in your mouth. While I truly forgot that it was there until I climbed into the chair and he had me open up, I saw the light right away.
He about had a fucking heart attack.
And while it was funnier than hell watching him go ballistic and bounce off walls, the entertainment stopped shortly afterwards, just about the time he started his exam with all those sharp little picks.
"DON'T YOU (jab, jab) COME INTO MY FUCKING (jab, jab, stab) OFFICE WITH (jab) THAT GARBAGE (stabpokejabjab) IN YOUR MOUTH (jabjabjabstab) AGAIN!!!!!!!"
This shit went on for 20 minutes.
It almost wasn't worth getting my teeth cleaned.
When I left, I turned around to see him glaring at me, picks still in his hand and drool running down his chin. I wiped the blood off my lips, smiled and popped in another chew and then ran for my truck.
How cool is that?
The name of his blog is Arruinando la Internet or Ruining The Internet. You can find his English language blog in my blog roll.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wouldn't you love to hear the explanations for how these happened. Wide open county, nothing to run into for miles except the pond and they end up in the pond. How do you not see a high tension power line tower? Sheesh!
I remember a story I read in Louie Boyd's column in the paper a few years ago that somewhere (bear with me here, I'm old and my memory is shot) in the Sahara there is an oasis with a tree. Mind you, this is the only tree within several hundred miles and records show that in the '70s it was hit by a lorry.
A 21-year-old man was accused of driving drunk and leading police on a chase that finally ended with him running over himself. The man was treated for minor injuries at a Santa Fe hospital and booked in to the Sandoval County detention center on charges of aggravated driving while intoxicated, fleeing a police officer, careless driving and two other outstanding traffic warrants.
A tip to the state's DrunkBuster hot line Sunday afternoon alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver.
State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man's pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop.
After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.
Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver's side tire.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I made it to work yesterday and signed up for an early out as soon as I walked into the office. In order for me to get paid for Thanksgiving I had to show up, but if they decided they had too many people for the work, they could let some leave and they would get paid. Seeing as I was the number one loader on the dock I figured there was a pretty good chance that I'd be able to slide out of there, so I signed up.
I knew it would be a few hours before Management figured out the work load so I settled in for the long haul. By lunchtime I was starting to feel half-assed human again and was entertaining my friends by showing them that when I jumped up and down they could see my man titties bounce until I saw my boss headed my way so I had to cut that shit out and act sick again.
It worked. He said that he'd let me go at 2:30. Now this was only 2 hours short of a full 10 hour shift but what the fuck, I'll take whatever I could get.
When I hit the clock at 2:30 I could still breathe so I swung by the grocery store and did my weekly shopping before I went home. Suprisingly, I was actually feeling pretty damned good and was considering going fishing in the morning.
About 2 AM I woke up gagging on my own bodily fluids and sliding off my mucus covered pillow. Uh-oh, this isn't good. I grabbed a handful of dollar-a-roll butt wipe (Real Men don't use tissues) and tried to blow my nose, but my nose was so jammed up the only thing I blew was a nasty ol' fart. Back pressure, ya know? I staggered into the bathroom and climbed into a hot shower trying to clear my sinuses but that didn't even work.
I wandered into the kitchen after kicking the Evil Cats out of the way and turned on the coffee pot, feeling worse and worse every minute. Finally I said to hell with it and laid down on the couch (I needed something fresh to snot up) with a good book and Punkindog who was careful to stay out of sneezing range until I finally fell back asleep.
About noontime Mom called and asked if I was feeling any better. When I told her that I was actually feeling worse, she asked what I was doing about it. When I told her that I had switched from Copenhagen Long Cut to Wintergreen Skoal to soothe my throat, I'd have sworn I could hear her muttering "Oh, you fucking dumbass ......" then she offered to bring me over some medication and soup. Right on, Mom.
So, here I sit in bed with a bottle of Tylenol Cold Multi Symptom De-snotter, FloNase, a bottle of bourbon (medicinal of course) and a can of Wintergreen Skoal.
But at least I got a free meal out of the deal. And who knows, maybe I can still go fishing tomorrow.......