My kinda guy.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Hmmmm
In Memphis Tennesee, local African American leaders, in opposition to pending white flight and possible erosion of a viable tax base, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Shelby County area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success in the African American community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down 19%. Caucasian business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77% and hold-ups were down about 60%.
Okies, what can I say.....
Clem walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "That's a sheep, you idiot."
Clem says: "I wasn't talking to you.
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "That's a sheep, you idiot."
Clem says: "I wasn't talking to you.
Quick on his feet
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
My fishing trip
Well, my fishing trip was pretty much a bust as far as fish goes, but a huge success as far as getting out with Dad and having a good time.
The weather looked perfect for big ass trout when we left town before dawn - misting, foggy, and cold but once we got above Jamestown it started to clear and when it broke dawn I knew we were in trouble. The sky was as clear as it could be. That was fucked up.
But what the hell, we were already there so we climbed down the canyon to my fishing hole only to find that the lake had receded so much that it was now a pasture.
I billygoated back up to the truck while Dad struck out for the water. I was going to meet him a couple of miles down the shoreline, so I zipped down towards the parking area only to find it was closed because the boat ramps were out of the water. It's been years since I've seen that lake so low.
When I finally parked and found Dad, he was at a spot that looked pretty good, so we kicked back, started fishing and bullshitting. It was a good time, really. I don't get to spend a lot of time with Dad, maybe an hour here and there.
I caught one little trout, maybe 16-17 inches long, and Dad hooked into one that probably would've went 6 to 8 pounds but ended breaking his line and losing it.
The best part of the day was when we got back to his place, he couldn't find his keys, couldn't remember if he'd brought them along or if he'd lost them at the lake so I called Mom to find out where she was at.
She was downtown at the Christmas Parade and couldn't get out right then, so she told me to take Dad to my house and she'd pick him up on the way home in an hour or so. Then she told me "DO NOT let your father drink any beer, am I clear?"
Dad wanted to know what the deal was so I told him that Mom said to just go over to my place and enjoy a few beers until she got there.
Mom was pissed when she got there and me and Dad already knocked back a six-pack.
But it was a good day all in all. Looking forward to next weekend if I can sneak Dad out of the house......
The weather looked perfect for big ass trout when we left town before dawn - misting, foggy, and cold but once we got above Jamestown it started to clear and when it broke dawn I knew we were in trouble. The sky was as clear as it could be. That was fucked up.
But what the hell, we were already there so we climbed down the canyon to my fishing hole only to find that the lake had receded so much that it was now a pasture.
I billygoated back up to the truck while Dad struck out for the water. I was going to meet him a couple of miles down the shoreline, so I zipped down towards the parking area only to find it was closed because the boat ramps were out of the water. It's been years since I've seen that lake so low.
When I finally parked and found Dad, he was at a spot that looked pretty good, so we kicked back, started fishing and bullshitting. It was a good time, really. I don't get to spend a lot of time with Dad, maybe an hour here and there.
I caught one little trout, maybe 16-17 inches long, and Dad hooked into one that probably would've went 6 to 8 pounds but ended breaking his line and losing it.
The best part of the day was when we got back to his place, he couldn't find his keys, couldn't remember if he'd brought them along or if he'd lost them at the lake so I called Mom to find out where she was at.
She was downtown at the Christmas Parade and couldn't get out right then, so she told me to take Dad to my house and she'd pick him up on the way home in an hour or so. Then she told me "DO NOT let your father drink any beer, am I clear?"
Dad wanted to know what the deal was so I told him that Mom said to just go over to my place and enjoy a few beers until she got there.
Mom was pissed when she got there and me and Dad already knocked back a six-pack.
But it was a good day all in all. Looking forward to next weekend if I can sneak Dad out of the house......
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Farming fuck up
He's going to have a hard time pleading innocent for the traffic accident considering the condition of the field.
Thanks VC
Go, Pops!
I'm headed up to New Melones tomorrow with Dad to catch some big ass trout. The weather is flat out fucking cold, the lake temps have turned and the bite is on.
I found out the other day that he has never caught a trout bigger that 4 pounds.
It's funny, but when I was just a pup he used to take me fishing and hope that I caught the bigger fish. Now I'm taking him and hoping that he catches the biggest fish.
Life has made that circle.
I found out the other day that he has never caught a trout bigger that 4 pounds.
It's funny, but when I was just a pup he used to take me fishing and hope that I caught the bigger fish. Now I'm taking him and hoping that he catches the biggest fish.
Life has made that circle.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
A freebie
Here's a number worth putting in your cell phone, or your home phone speed dial: 1-800-goog411 or 1-800-466-4411. This is an awesome service from Google, and it's free -- great when you are on the road.
Don't waste your money on information calls and don't waste your time manually dialing the number. I am driving along in my car and I need to call the golf course and I don't know the number. I hit the speed dial for information that I have programmed.
The voice at the other end says, "City & State." I say, "Garland, Texas." He says, "Business Name or Type of Service." I say, "Firewheel Golf Course." He says, "Connecting" and Firewheel answers the phone. How great is that? This is nationwide and it is absolutely free!
Click on the link below and watch the short clip for a quick demonstration.
http://www.google.com/goog411/
Don't waste your money on information calls and don't waste your time manually dialing the number. I am driving along in my car and I need to call the golf course and I don't know the number. I hit the speed dial for information that I have programmed.
The voice at the other end says, "City & State." I say, "Garland, Texas." He says, "Business Name or Type of Service." I say, "Firewheel Golf Course." He says, "Connecting" and Firewheel answers the phone. How great is that? This is nationwide and it is absolutely free!
Click on the link below and watch the short clip for a quick demonstration.
http://www.google.com/goog411/
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Dammit, I got tagged
Okay, I got tagged by LulaBelle http://whatsinalulabelle.blogspot.com/ for this honesty thing. I'm supposed to post 10 things about myself.
1) I am directionally dyslexic - you know, I get lost. A lot. I can get lost in the drive-thru of the local Taco Bell. And I'm hopeless in a hospital. I'll stop in and visit a stranger just so I can sit down for a minute. This a little embarrassing considering my favorite thing to do is camp, fish and hike up in the mountains.
2) I do not own a single pair of shoes, yet I have 6 pairs of boots. Even my work safety shoes are steel toed cowboy boots.
3) I have broken more bones than anybody I know, so many that I myself have lost count. My major breaks were a skull fracture in 1974 in a motorcycle accident, another skull fracture when I went through the windshield of my bud’s car in 1980. Yeah, we were drunk. Then I broke my back in 1980 (that was a bad year) in an asskick.
4) I drink way too much. I was sober for 20 years until I started going through my divorce, then I started back up trying to relax. I don’t drink every day, but when I do I’ll drink until I run out of alcohol or I get so fucked up I have to crash.
5) I don’t trust anybody completely. I’ve been that way as long as I can remember and just about the time I really start to let go and really trust somebody, I get fucked over and around.
6) I have never watched an entire sports game on TV in my life. I have gone to a couple baseball games with friends and while I had a great time when I was there, it isn’t anything I have any desire to follow once I leave the stadium.
7) I absolutely detest dope fiends. I know, I’ve made it no secret that I’ve used drugs before, but that’s just the way I feel. I’m not talking about potheads, I’m talking about addicts - people whose lives are run by their fucking drugs. Maybe it has something to do with the number of family and friends I’ve seen go into the ground over the years.
8) I’ve been known to go days at a time without speaking a word if there wasn’t anything worth saying.
9) I tend to make inappropriate comments at the oddest times. An example: A few years back one of the most liked and respected members of the workforce at my warehouse was killed in a car accident. When I was told of the news, I turned to my Bud Rick and said “All right, we just moved up one in seniority!”
10) Last but not least - Not only do I put the seat down but I also close the lid when I flush.
Monday, December 01, 2008
I think I need another dentist
Okay, I learned a very valuable lesson today.
Never ever go into the Dentist's office with a load of Copenhagen still in your mouth. While I truly forgot that it was there until I climbed into the chair and he had me open up, I saw the light right away.
He about had a fucking heart attack.
And while it was funnier than hell watching him go ballistic and bounce off walls, the entertainment stopped shortly afterwards, just about the time he started his exam with all those sharp little picks.
"DON'T YOU (jab, jab) COME INTO MY FUCKING (jab, jab, stab) OFFICE WITH (jab) THAT GARBAGE (stabpokejabjab) IN YOUR MOUTH (jabjabjabstab) AGAIN!!!!!!!"
This shit went on for 20 minutes.
It almost wasn't worth getting my teeth cleaned.
When I left, I turned around to see him glaring at me, picks still in his hand and drool running down his chin. I wiped the blood off my lips, smiled and popped in another chew and then ran for my truck.
Never ever go into the Dentist's office with a load of Copenhagen still in your mouth. While I truly forgot that it was there until I climbed into the chair and he had me open up, I saw the light right away.
He about had a fucking heart attack.
And while it was funnier than hell watching him go ballistic and bounce off walls, the entertainment stopped shortly afterwards, just about the time he started his exam with all those sharp little picks.
"DON'T YOU (jab, jab) COME INTO MY FUCKING (jab, jab, stab) OFFICE WITH (jab) THAT GARBAGE (stabpokejabjab) IN YOUR MOUTH (jabjabjabstab) AGAIN!!!!!!!"
This shit went on for 20 minutes.
It almost wasn't worth getting my teeth cleaned.
When I left, I turned around to see him glaring at me, picks still in his hand and drool running down his chin. I wiped the blood off my lips, smiled and popped in another chew and then ran for my truck.
Knuckledraggin mi vida fuera
Hey, I was checking my sitemeter referrals and clicked on a link which led me to a Spanish blog. On his blog roll there's my blog - the name is in Spanish - Knuckledraggin mi vida fuera
How cool is that?
The name of his blog is Arruinando la Internet or Ruining The Internet. You can find his English language blog in my blog roll.
Thanks, Daver!
How cool is that?
The name of his blog is Arruinando la Internet or Ruining The Internet. You can find his English language blog in my blog roll.
Thanks, Daver!
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