Sunday, December 28, 2008
Headlines for the year 2034
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Quit your sniveling
Summer, 1985
Dave bet me a beer that I couldn't hit at least one mudhen out of this bunch of about 20 or so that was bobbing around a couple of hundred yards away from his trailer using only 5 shots from my 22 pistol.
Sucker, I thought, grabbing my H&R 999. I sat in my lawn chair next to Dave and drew a bead on the flock of soon to be freaked out birds. I knew the first shot might be low, and I intended to walk the shots quickly into the flock.
"Ouch," Dave said at my first shot.
"Aw, shut up, ya pussy" I said as I thumbed off my second shot.
"Motherfucker, you shoot me again, and I'm gonna kick your ass!" Dave yelled at me.
I looked at his arm and there was blood running all over the place. He also had two great big chunks of lead in his arm. I thought he’d been sniveling about the powder flash from the cylinder/barrel gap. I didn't know that the pistol had jumped time (H&R 999s are notorious for that) and every time I pulled the trigger, I sent half the bullet out the barrel, and the other half into Dave.
He said he could understand me shooting him once, but twice was pure meanness.
Dave bet me a beer that I couldn't hit at least one mudhen out of this bunch of about 20 or so that was bobbing around a couple of hundred yards away from his trailer using only 5 shots from my 22 pistol.
Sucker, I thought, grabbing my H&R 999. I sat in my lawn chair next to Dave and drew a bead on the flock of soon to be freaked out birds. I knew the first shot might be low, and I intended to walk the shots quickly into the flock.
"Ouch," Dave said at my first shot.
"Aw, shut up, ya pussy" I said as I thumbed off my second shot.
"Motherfucker, you shoot me again, and I'm gonna kick your ass!" Dave yelled at me.
I looked at his arm and there was blood running all over the place. He also had two great big chunks of lead in his arm. I thought he’d been sniveling about the powder flash from the cylinder/barrel gap. I didn't know that the pistol had jumped time (H&R 999s are notorious for that) and every time I pulled the trigger, I sent half the bullet out the barrel, and the other half into Dave.
He said he could understand me shooting him once, but twice was pure meanness.
Sissy
Dave, my best buddy from back in the 80s, had a strict rule at his house:
No Gunfire Inside The House.
What a puss.
No Gunfire Inside The House.
What a puss.
The demise of Ranger Bob
The snow gates are what blocks the road over Sonora Pass during the winter months. The road is too steep, narrow and winding to plow, so after the first snow they just close the road.
Me and Dave were always waiting for Ranger Bob to open the gates so we could be the first ones over the pass.
We had heard that the snow gates at Kennedy Meadows were supposed to be unlocked at 8:00 a.m. on Mother's Day, 1987. I knew Mom wouldn't understand, so I lied and said I had to work that day.
Anyways, we were there at 8:00 sharp. We was the only ones there, too. Ranger Bob was nowhere to be seen. By 8:30, we were making plans to shoot Ranger Bob. By 8:45, those plans began to include his close family members. At 9:00, we decided to blow up the ranger station too. At 9:05, I said "To hell with it, I'll open those fucking gates my own self." I hauled out my Ruger 41 and headed for the gates.
"Wait a few more minutes," Dave said, grabbing my arm. He no sooner says that, and Ranger Bob's pickup rounds the bend. Talk about a close call.
May of 88 found us up at the snow gates above Kennedy Meadows once again planning Ranger Bob's demise when he finally decides to show up. Climbing out of his Rangermobile with the keys to the gates, he asks, "Don't I know you guys from somewhere?"
It was April of 1989, and we were at the snow gates at Kennedy Meadows, staring at them in amazement. They weren't supposed to open until 8:00, but they were already open and it wasn't even 7:15 yet.
We agreed that somebody less tolerant than ourselves had finally had enough of Ranger Bob's tardiness and killed his worthless ass. His replacement was a more conscientious fellow judging by the fact that the gate was open at least 2 hours earlier than Ranger Bob would have opened it.
Me and Dave were always waiting for Ranger Bob to open the gates so we could be the first ones over the pass.
We had heard that the snow gates at Kennedy Meadows were supposed to be unlocked at 8:00 a.m. on Mother's Day, 1987. I knew Mom wouldn't understand, so I lied and said I had to work that day.
Anyways, we were there at 8:00 sharp. We was the only ones there, too. Ranger Bob was nowhere to be seen. By 8:30, we were making plans to shoot Ranger Bob. By 8:45, those plans began to include his close family members. At 9:00, we decided to blow up the ranger station too. At 9:05, I said "To hell with it, I'll open those fucking gates my own self." I hauled out my Ruger 41 and headed for the gates.
"Wait a few more minutes," Dave said, grabbing my arm. He no sooner says that, and Ranger Bob's pickup rounds the bend. Talk about a close call.
May of 88 found us up at the snow gates above Kennedy Meadows once again planning Ranger Bob's demise when he finally decides to show up. Climbing out of his Rangermobile with the keys to the gates, he asks, "Don't I know you guys from somewhere?"
It was April of 1989, and we were at the snow gates at Kennedy Meadows, staring at them in amazement. They weren't supposed to open until 8:00, but they were already open and it wasn't even 7:15 yet.
We agreed that somebody less tolerant than ourselves had finally had enough of Ranger Bob's tardiness and killed his worthless ass. His replacement was a more conscientious fellow judging by the fact that the gate was open at least 2 hours earlier than Ranger Bob would have opened it.
World's shortest fairy tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and shot his guns a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Don't you just love a happy ending?
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and shot his guns a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Don't you just love a happy ending?
Never lie to your parents
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find thebeautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find thebeautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Well, shit
No BATs today and damned few fish of any size. I caught a total of three and two of those were so small they would be considered bait if I was bass fishing. No kidding, they were 8 inches long.
The largest and last one I caught was 14 inches, so Dad caught the biggest fish today. His 3 were all larger than my my biggest, but not by much.
I could make all kinds of excuses why we didn't do shit like weather fronts, the lake rising one foot, or the spawn was early this year (all of which are true), but it doesn't make a bit of difference.
I'm tired, cold and hungry, so I'll try to post more later.
The largest and last one I caught was 14 inches, so Dad caught the biggest fish today. His 3 were all larger than my my biggest, but not by much.
I could make all kinds of excuses why we didn't do shit like weather fronts, the lake rising one foot, or the spawn was early this year (all of which are true), but it doesn't make a bit of difference.
I'm tired, cold and hungry, so I'll try to post more later.
Friday, December 26, 2008
From George - Markleeville, CA
Kenny,
You still run lions? I remember you bought my best hound off me back in 1985.
Let's set a date sometime.
George
You bet. Save a hunt for me in the spring. Good to hear from you.
-Kenny
You still run lions? I remember you bought my best hound off me back in 1985.
Let's set a date sometime.
George
You bet. Save a hunt for me in the spring. Good to hear from you.
-Kenny
A favor for me, please?
Me and Dad are going back up tomorrow to try for Big-Ass Trout.
I've caught BATs before, but my dad hasn't. Sure, he's caught some steelhead that would make my BATs look like bait, but that was years ago and they weren't pure freshwater fish.
Would y'all be kind enough to offer up a prayer or think positive thoughts that Dad not only catches the biggest fish tomorrow but that it'll be a fish that he'll remember?
He doesn't have a lot of years left and I want to give him something that he'll remember. I mean hell, I've already got the taxidermist lined up with the promise that he'll have the mount ready by his 69th birthday in mid-March. I know the memory of the catch would be enough, but I want something for him that he can brag on when folks see that trophy fish on his living room wall.
Do this for me please?
I've caught BATs before, but my dad hasn't. Sure, he's caught some steelhead that would make my BATs look like bait, but that was years ago and they weren't pure freshwater fish.
Would y'all be kind enough to offer up a prayer or think positive thoughts that Dad not only catches the biggest fish tomorrow but that it'll be a fish that he'll remember?
He doesn't have a lot of years left and I want to give him something that he'll remember. I mean hell, I've already got the taxidermist lined up with the promise that he'll have the mount ready by his 69th birthday in mid-March. I know the memory of the catch would be enough, but I want something for him that he can brag on when folks see that trophy fish on his living room wall.
Do this for me please?
Deb, I will NEVER forgive you for this
Well, here I am in my fancy lounging britches that I got for Christmas and Deb just had to see.
If there aren't any posts for a while, it's because one of my friends saw this and I was delivered a serious ass-whipping for being a sissy.
God, I can just imagine the comments on this post.....
Thursday, December 25, 2008
My day
I had a good Christmas today. Hell it would've been a good day even if it wasn't Christmas.
I rolled my butt out of the rack at 4 AM, grabbed my trappins and headed for the lake in search of the elusive Big Ass Trout. I knew it was going to be rough when I threw my cooler in the back of the truck and it hit with a splash instead of a thud. No big deal, I've been wet before.
What I didn't count on was the wind. A cold wind. An ass numbing wind, even with long johns, insulated bibs and rain gear.
When I finally got there it was still dark and the wind was just howling across the water. I'm not joking when it was howling, there were 3 foot whitecaps when dawn broke.
I tied on a spinner and headed down to my favorite spot. It was so windy that when I cast, my lure landed at my feet. Hmmm, this was going to take a little timing on my part, so when the wind would die down for a moment (and I do mean a moment), I'd cast, retrieve, then wait for it do die down again.
I caught 6 fish over 4 hours although none were what I would call BATs. The smallest was about 15 inches and 2 1/2 pounds, 4 were right at 18 inches and 3 pounds, and the biggest was 22 inches and might've gone a tad over 4 pounds. All were hooked cleanly and released for me to catch next year.
I got back home and showered, then went to Mom & Dad's for some dinner. Mom always puts on a good feed for Christmas and this year was no exception. Wild Boar tenderloins, ham, chops, thick cut bacon (Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon) for me, venison steaks, potato salad, macaroni salad, finger foods, fruit salads and about 5 different pies.
Even though I asked them as I have for the past 25 years to skip getting me gifts and spend their money on their grandbabies, Dad handed me a box. Inside was a balaclava, some thick wool socks and silk liners to keep my footses warm when I'm freezing my ass off fishing, and some cotton PJ bottoms.
PJs? I gave Dad that WTF look while hugging Mom. Shit, I haven't worn jammies since.... Hell, I ain't never worn PJs. Dad told me to shut the fuck up, they were "lounging" pants to wear when I was relaxing around the house.
That's what I got my cammo pants for, but I got 'em home, washed 'em and yes, I'll admit I'm wearing them now and I'll be damned if they don't feel surprisingly fine.
I ain't answering the door in them though.
I rolled my butt out of the rack at 4 AM, grabbed my trappins and headed for the lake in search of the elusive Big Ass Trout. I knew it was going to be rough when I threw my cooler in the back of the truck and it hit with a splash instead of a thud. No big deal, I've been wet before.
What I didn't count on was the wind. A cold wind. An ass numbing wind, even with long johns, insulated bibs and rain gear.
When I finally got there it was still dark and the wind was just howling across the water. I'm not joking when it was howling, there were 3 foot whitecaps when dawn broke.
I tied on a spinner and headed down to my favorite spot. It was so windy that when I cast, my lure landed at my feet. Hmmm, this was going to take a little timing on my part, so when the wind would die down for a moment (and I do mean a moment), I'd cast, retrieve, then wait for it do die down again.
I caught 6 fish over 4 hours although none were what I would call BATs. The smallest was about 15 inches and 2 1/2 pounds, 4 were right at 18 inches and 3 pounds, and the biggest was 22 inches and might've gone a tad over 4 pounds. All were hooked cleanly and released for me to catch next year.
I got back home and showered, then went to Mom & Dad's for some dinner. Mom always puts on a good feed for Christmas and this year was no exception. Wild Boar tenderloins, ham, chops, thick cut bacon (Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon) for me, venison steaks, potato salad, macaroni salad, finger foods, fruit salads and about 5 different pies.
Even though I asked them as I have for the past 25 years to skip getting me gifts and spend their money on their grandbabies, Dad handed me a box. Inside was a balaclava, some thick wool socks and silk liners to keep my footses warm when I'm freezing my ass off fishing, and some cotton PJ bottoms.
PJs? I gave Dad that WTF look while hugging Mom. Shit, I haven't worn jammies since.... Hell, I ain't never worn PJs. Dad told me to shut the fuck up, they were "lounging" pants to wear when I was relaxing around the house.
That's what I got my cammo pants for, but I got 'em home, washed 'em and yes, I'll admit I'm wearing them now and I'll be damned if they don't feel surprisingly fine.
I ain't answering the door in them though.
Man's best friend
Who is your real friend?
Your dog.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??
Thanks, Brian
Your dog.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??
Thanks, Brian
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Payday
Payday was today.
We have over 300 employees in my warehouse alone and maybe 20 bosses. Unless you deal with a boss directly, have been there a long time, or have made either a real good or real bad impression, most of them don't know the employee by their full name.
So, when it's time to get paid, everybody lines up in the office and recites their name. The boss shuffles through the checks and then gives the guy his pay.
Today it went like this:
"NEXT!"
"Pedro Rodriquez." He gets his check.
"Merry Christmas, Pedro. NEXT!"
"Jim Johnson." He gets his check.
"Merry Christmas, Jimmy. NEXT!"
"Juan Gonzales." He gets his check.
"Merry Christmas, Juan. NEXT!"
I stepped up.
"Gimme my fucking money."
"Merry Christmas, Ken. NEXT!"
We have over 300 employees in my warehouse alone and maybe 20 bosses. Unless you deal with a boss directly, have been there a long time, or have made either a real good or real bad impression, most of them don't know the employee by their full name.
So, when it's time to get paid, everybody lines up in the office and recites their name. The boss shuffles through the checks and then gives the guy his pay.
Today it went like this:
"NEXT!"
"Pedro Rodriquez." He gets his check.
"Merry Christmas, Pedro. NEXT!"
"Jim Johnson." He gets his check.
"Merry Christmas, Jimmy. NEXT!"
"Juan Gonzales." He gets his check.
"Merry Christmas, Juan. NEXT!"
I stepped up.
"Gimme my fucking money."
"Merry Christmas, Ken. NEXT!"
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