Saturday, September 26, 2009

Bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.....

My first post of the day concerned a house that went up in flames because of a pan of bacon caught fire.
I cannot believe that there are people out there that can fuck up a pan of bacon.
BUT........ apparently there are. If you fall into this group and are too embarrassed to admit it, never fear. I am now going to explain to you how to properly fry up a pound of bacon.
What you need to get started is:
A pound of thick sliced bacon
2 or 3 or 4 beers
Bacon grease
3 or 4 slices of stale bread.
A frying pan or two
1 drooling dog


Let's talk about bacon first. When I say thick sliced, I mean thick sliced. This means you either have to go to the butcher shop or if you can find it, the stuff in your grocery store that's labeled "Ends & Pieces". It comes in 3 pound packages and runs about 6 bucks. Or even better, bacon that you slice yourself. Quarter inch thick slices are just about right.
It can be regular smoked bacon or pepper bacon. I prefer pepper bacon, myself.


Let's get started.


Now there's 2 schools of thought on frying bacon. Some folks like to throw the whole pound in 1 skillet, mix it all up and fry away. I don't go for that shit. I like to lay mine flat and fry it, that way it's all cooked the same. You don't end up with raw fat on some pieces and burnt meat on the others.
That being said, crack open a beer and cut your bacon to fit your pan(s). I use two pans at a time so the bacon is done quicker. Set it aside for a minute, being careful to keep it out of reach of the dog.
Melt enough bacon grease to cover the bacon once it's in the pan. DO NOT use olive oil or vegetable oil. If you are even considering this, you oughta be shot. Move your cursor to the right hand corner of this page and click the little red X, then go to some French website where you belong. While you're there, learn how to wave a white flag, pussy.
Heat your grease on a medium heat. You don't want it to smoke, but you do want the bacon to sizzle when you put it in the pan. Crack open another beer.
Put your bacon into the pan, laying it out flat. There should be enough grease to cover it all to ensure even cooking. If it spatters, turn down your heat just a tad. Sizzle, good. Spatter, bad. Do not cover the pan. You don't want to foul your bacon with water moisture. If you get grease on the stove, wipe it off. If some of it hits the floor, well, that's part of the reason of why you have a dog handy.
After a few minutes, kick the dog out of the way and pick up a piece directly over the heat and check the fat on the underside of the meat. It's it's turning a nice golden brown, start flipping the rest of them, rotating them in the pan so that the ones that were on the edge of the pan are now over the heat and vice versa. This should be the last time you flip the bacon. It should cook for about half the time before you flipped it. Open another beer.
Take the stale bread and tear it into small pieces and lay them on a plate or in a large bowl. Set that aside.
Okay, here's the critical part. Check the underside of the bacon again. When it looks like it's almost done, it IS done. Open another beer and without removing your pan from the burner, remove all the bacon except for one piece from the pan. As you remove the bacon, set it on the bread. This will soak up the grease.
Cook the remaining piece of bacon until it is good and crispy to the point of being burned. Pull it out, crumble it up and throw it back into the grease. That way you'll have cracklins in your grease for next time. Take the pan off the burner.
What you have ended up with is a pound of bacon that is chewy, flavorful and evenly cooked.
Remove your bacon from the bread and throw the grease soaked bread to the dog. It'll put a shine in his coat, his bowels will move better and he'll love ya forever.


Now how fucking hard was that? And you didn't even burn your house down......