Monday, October 05, 2009

Fat Boys


Okay, time for a Fat Boy post.
I feel fairly qualified to comment on the subject because I have grown up around fat boys, I have fat boys for friends, I have fat boys in my family, I work with fat boys and well, I'm a fat boy too. If that don't make me an expert on fat boys, I don't know what will.
I was always skinny until about 45 years of age, weighing in at about 165 pounds most of my adult life. After that I don't know what the fuck happened. I stand 5'10" tall (unless I'm filling out an online profile then I stand 6' tall) and weigh in at 210 pounds. I have weighed as much as 240. So I know how you feel and I know the justifications you make for your fatness. Been there, done that. But over the past couple of years I have come to the realization that I will probably never see my scales at 165 pounds again and you know what? I'm fine with it.
But you may not be so I'm going to fuck with you. I'm going to be truthful, but brutally honest. And you might even start to feel better about yourself after reading this.
Ready?

First thing I'm going to do is give you a list of "don'ts". Here goes:
Don't try to explain your fatness as thyroid problems. Even if you have a thyroid condition, nobody's gonna believe you. Admit it - you're fat because you eat too much of the wrong things and drink too much goddamn beer. Yes, you may have gained weight because your metabolism slowed down but if that's the case, you damned sure didn't slow down your fucking food intake.
Don't tell people you weigh "about" x pounds. You say that and any woman, cop, or medical professional is automatically gonna add 20 pounds. If they wanna know, tell 'em. It'll serve 'em right for being a nosey fucker.
Don't describe yourself as "heavy". You ain't heavy, you ain't big, you're fat. Words don't change a fact.
Don't suck in that belly when a woman walks past. Lots of women like fat boys and lots of women like men with beer bellies. It detracts from theirs.
Don't wear stripes to make yourself look thinner. It doesn't work. If you're wearing stripes and somebody gets a look at your gut from the side, it'll look like a ski ramp. That stripes thing was thought up by some fag designer so he could sell striped clothes to fat chicks. Wear whatever the fuck you want.
Don't squat down in public unless you have something or somebody handy to haul your fat ass back up.
Don't run. Don't ever run. Period. Folks will make fun of you, you'll probably blow a knee out, you may bring on a heart attack and worse of all, you may shit your pants. Don't run.
Don't go out to eat and order just a salad. Everybody knows the first thing you're going to do as soon as you leave anyways is stop at Shoney's and eat an entire strawberry pie or wipe out a pig at the nearest barbecue joint, so go ahead and eat what you want at the restaurant.
Don't wear sweatsuits as your normal attire. The problem with this is twofold - you look even fatter and like more of a slob.
Don't wear your shirts tucked in. It accentuates your belly and the motherfucker never stays tucked in anyways.
Don't skimp on the deodorant. Us fat boys sweat more because we gotta work that much harder to haul our fat asses around. When you think you've put enough on, add more.

Okay. Now being fat ain't the end of the world. You can drive pickups in the city and nobody will think you're a hick, you can wear overalls and get away with it, you can push littler people out of the way and they won't push back, you can do all kinds of shit and get away with it because you obviously have the ass to back up your mouth.
You can eat whatever you want in public, your ol' lady loves you because you make her look small and because you weigh so much you can drink more without being legally drunk.
Don't you feel better now?