Thursday, January 15, 2009
Because I'm A Man....
Because I'm a Man...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)…applies to engineers mainly. Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, , after all, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest… like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
-Tattoo Jim
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)…applies to engineers mainly. Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, , after all, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest… like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
-Tattoo Jim
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
A true story from Tattoo Jim
(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple's rentals)
Me: "Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50."
Husband: "What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!"
Me: "Well sir, you returned–"
Husband: "I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I'm not paying this!"
Me: "Then you won't be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again."
Husband: "I'm NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!"
Wife: "What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!"
Me: "This is for runaway bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn't return it until the 15th. "
Husband: "Oh yeah, that's right, we never got around to watching it. I'll pay for it."
Wife: "We never rented runaway bride and I was out of town on the 6th."
Me: "Well, ma'am, it's showing that Jennifer rented the title."
Wife: "Who is Jennifer?" *pauses and her face becomes red* "Oh, that b***h!"
(the wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)
Husband: "Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?"
Me: "Sir, you put your mistress on your account?"
Husband: "Yeah, she likes movies…"
Me: "You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?"
Husband: "Oh s***, really?"
Me: "Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50."
Husband: "What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!"
Me: "Well sir, you returned–"
Husband: "I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I'm not paying this!"
Me: "Then you won't be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again."
Husband: "I'm NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!"
Wife: "What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!"
Me: "This is for runaway bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn't return it until the 15th. "
Husband: "Oh yeah, that's right, we never got around to watching it. I'll pay for it."
Wife: "We never rented runaway bride and I was out of town on the 6th."
Me: "Well, ma'am, it's showing that Jennifer rented the title."
Wife: "Who is Jennifer?" *pauses and her face becomes red* "Oh, that b***h!"
(the wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)
Husband: "Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?"
Me: "Sir, you put your mistress on your account?"
Husband: "Yeah, she likes movies…"
Me: "You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?"
Husband: "Oh s***, really?"
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
True, so true
Why are people more afraid of harmless dead bodies than living people?
It's the living, breathing fuckers who'll mess you up every time.
Tattoo Jim
It's the living, breathing fuckers who'll mess you up every time.
Tattoo Jim
It's nice to be appreciated
I had a cutie that was prowling through my closet (I tend to attract she-devils like that) and she commented that I didn't have one article of clothing that couldn't be bought at a feed store, Tractor Supply or Bass Pro.
Death to the Evil Cat
The main goddamned Evil Cat drug her claws across the toe of my best cowboy boots today when I was at work. What in the hell was she thinking? I mean, she's pretty fucking smart for a cat - comes when I call her, moves when I kick her - but she seems to take a perverse delight in destroying my stuff.
I swear, as soon as I find her I'm gonna use her for target practice.
I swear, as soon as I find her I'm gonna use her for target practice.
Tattoo Jim - Straight Up White Trash, God bless 'im
Here's Tattoo Jim, one of my favorite contributors in his fancy lounging britches, white shirt and collar and his skull tie.
That qualifies him, don'tcha think?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Too bad he wasn't bit on the 'nads
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
MODESTO, CA.
A police officer shot and killed a man armed with a samurai sword in downtown Modesto early Sunday, authorities said. The officer, who has been identified only as a woman with three years of experience, was not injured.
Modesto police spokesman Sgt. Brian Findlen said a Fire Department official called dispatchers at 5:04 a.m. to report a man with a sword who was acting "bizarre and unusual" outside the DoubleTree Hotel on K Street near Ninth Street.
An officer arrived soon after and "within minutes" encountered the man holding a sword that Findlen estimated was 2 to 3 feet long. The officer shot the 44-year-old man, who was taken to a hospital and died about an hour later.
The man and the officer were "relatively close" to each other when the shooting happened, Findlen said. He could not say whether the armed man charged the officer or exactly how close the two were, because the investigation has not been completed.
Encountering someone with a knife or other "bladed" weapon can be terrifying, Findlen said.
"It's a fear of many officers. And your bulletproof vest is not going to help," he said.
Knives are a "serious threat" to officer safety, he said, because the protective vests they wear are not designed to stop pointed objects.
Officers learn in training that someone with a knife or sword can cover more than 20 feet before an officer can draw a weapon. And, if shot, a suspect with a knife can continue to approach.
"It's not like you shoot someone and they drop down to the ground," Findlen said. "Usually there's still some fight in them."
Findlen was stabbed in the back with a 6-inch screwdriver at the downtown bus station in 1997 while trying to take someone into custody. In his case, he said, shooting wasn't an issue because he was attacked from behind.
Findlen said investigators are trying to determine why the man had the sword, what he was doing downtown and what led the officer to shoot.
From The Modesto Bee, 12 January 2009
A police officer shot and killed a man armed with a samurai sword in downtown Modesto early Sunday, authorities said. The officer, who has been identified only as a woman with three years of experience, was not injured.
Modesto police spokesman Sgt. Brian Findlen said a Fire Department official called dispatchers at 5:04 a.m. to report a man with a sword who was acting "bizarre and unusual" outside the DoubleTree Hotel on K Street near Ninth Street.
An officer arrived soon after and "within minutes" encountered the man holding a sword that Findlen estimated was 2 to 3 feet long. The officer shot the 44-year-old man, who was taken to a hospital and died about an hour later.
The man and the officer were "relatively close" to each other when the shooting happened, Findlen said. He could not say whether the armed man charged the officer or exactly how close the two were, because the investigation has not been completed.
Encountering someone with a knife or other "bladed" weapon can be terrifying, Findlen said.
"It's a fear of many officers. And your bulletproof vest is not going to help," he said.
Knives are a "serious threat" to officer safety, he said, because the protective vests they wear are not designed to stop pointed objects.
Officers learn in training that someone with a knife or sword can cover more than 20 feet before an officer can draw a weapon. And, if shot, a suspect with a knife can continue to approach.
"It's not like you shoot someone and they drop down to the ground," Findlen said. "Usually there's still some fight in them."
Findlen was stabbed in the back with a 6-inch screwdriver at the downtown bus station in 1997 while trying to take someone into custody. In his case, he said, shooting wasn't an issue because he was attacked from behind.
Findlen said investigators are trying to determine why the man had the sword, what he was doing downtown and what led the officer to shoot.
From The Modesto Bee, 12 January 2009
Black eyes
A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'... and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life you evil, self-centered bitch."
Thanks Jim.
The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'... and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life you evil, self-centered bitch."
Thanks Jim.
My vacation
Well, tomorrow I have to go back to work and as usual I'm sitting here thinking about all the things I accomplished during my 9 days off.
Did I do any yardwork? Nope.
Did I clean out the garage? Uh-uh.
Did I give the house a thorough cleaning? Yeah, right.
Did I prune the trees? No no no.
Did I wash my truck? Nah.
Did I chop out the stumps alongside the house? Oh hell no.
What did I do?
I FISHED! I fished my ass off. I fished 4 different lakes, 2 rivers and a pond. I fished in the morning, I fished in the evening and I fished all damned day long. 9 days of vacation and I fished 7 of them. I fished in the fog, the rain, the cold and in the sunshine. No Big-Ass Trout, but I caught more fish this last week than I did in the entire past year.
It was a great vacation.
Did I do any yardwork? Nope.
Did I clean out the garage? Uh-uh.
Did I give the house a thorough cleaning? Yeah, right.
Did I prune the trees? No no no.
Did I wash my truck? Nah.
Did I chop out the stumps alongside the house? Oh hell no.
What did I do?
I FISHED! I fished my ass off. I fished 4 different lakes, 2 rivers and a pond. I fished in the morning, I fished in the evening and I fished all damned day long. 9 days of vacation and I fished 7 of them. I fished in the fog, the rain, the cold and in the sunshine. No Big-Ass Trout, but I caught more fish this last week than I did in the entire past year.
It was a great vacation.
From Ron: Austalia
Yea thanks for the white trash photo in your last post. I had to go & boil my eyes after that.
It was the teeth that got to you, huh?
We're used to that out here in California..... Tweekers and all, ya know.
Remind me to tell y'all about the time I ate boiled goat's eyeballs sometime.
It was the teeth that got to you, huh?
We're used to that out here in California..... Tweekers and all, ya know.
Remind me to tell y'all about the time I ate boiled goat's eyeballs sometime.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
For Dizzbln
Look for the frog below the label.
The explanation for this is that when they washed the lettuce in Mexico, they washed it in water that had tadpoles and the frog matured inside the bag.
How true is it? I don't know, maybe just anti-Mexican propaganda, but it makes me wash my veggies thoroughly.
Balls
The Pentagon recently found it had too many officers, and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body, with the officer getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third one, a grizzled old Navy Commander was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension man suggested that perhaps he might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The commander insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the commander to drop ‘em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the commander’s penis and began to work back. My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the commander replied.
Thanks, Bill
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third one, a grizzled old Navy Commander was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension man suggested that perhaps he might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The commander insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the commander to drop ‘em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the commander’s penis and began to work back. My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the commander replied.
Thanks, Bill
Thank you Lord, for the barnyard I just destroyed
Man, about 5 PM I realized that I hadn't eaten anything all day. Even worse, I haven't made my weekly grocery run so I went into the kitchen and found nothing but breakfast food. Hell, I'm an Okie - it don't bother me one bit to eat breakfast for supper.
One pound of bacon (Bacon. Mmmm bacon), a pound of sausage (Punkin got some of that) 6 scrambled eggs covered in tobasco, 2 BIG potatoes fried up, 4 pieces of wheat toast and a quart of milk later......
I shouldn't have to eat until tomorrow morning now.
One pound of bacon (Bacon. Mmmm bacon), a pound of sausage (Punkin got some of that) 6 scrambled eggs covered in tobasco, 2 BIG potatoes fried up, 4 pieces of wheat toast and a quart of milk later......
I shouldn't have to eat until tomorrow morning now.
It was bound to happen
So far today I've rejected 6 comments - more than I've published - due to racist and sexist slurs.
While there are things that I post that can be considered offensive, regular readers know that I am not serious. It's humor - sick humor, sure - but it is humor.
Be advised that this is not a forum for hate and I will not publish comments that I consider as such. Don't even waste your time sending them.
And if you've got a problem with what you just read, keep on rolling.
Yes Mom, this goes for you too.
While there are things that I post that can be considered offensive, regular readers know that I am not serious. It's humor - sick humor, sure - but it is humor.
Be advised that this is not a forum for hate and I will not publish comments that I consider as such. Don't even waste your time sending them.
And if you've got a problem with what you just read, keep on rolling.
Yes Mom, this goes for you too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)