Sunday, January 18, 2009
We ain't as dumb as we look
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in West Virginia reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a cornfield, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, West Virginia had already gone wireless.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in West Virginia reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a cornfield, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, West Virginia had already gone wireless.
I died and went to heaven
They built a Bass Pro store last year about 10 miles up the road.
Now I have catalogue shopped and bought stuff from Bass Pro online for years but until yesterday, I had never been inside a store like that before. Not Bass Pro or the new Cabelas in Boomtown. As a matter of fact, when I went to Carson City a few weeks back, I had to cross my legs to keep from pissing myself just to keep from pulling into Boomtown for a restroom break.
Why have I resisted so much? Well, I could tell you that I do ALL my trading in local businesses but the fact of the matter is, I didn't think my heart could take the shock of seeing a store bigger than a Wal-Mart devoted to nothing but hunting and fishing shit. Not to mention the shock on my bank account.
Yesterday I took the plunge. I went and picked up Dad and we drove to Manteca to the new Bass Pro. Hey, I was acting cool, making casual conversation but inside I was like a kid on Christmas Eve.
We got there and I parked at the far end of the parking lot so Dad could have a few tokes (puffs?) on his pipe and I could calm down a bit.
As soon as I hit the door, my breath left me. I could not fucking believe my eyes!!! A rock wall on the far side of the store with sheep mounts in natural poses. Deer and elk heads lining the walls.
A huge aquarium filled with monster bass, stripers, catfish and sturgeon. Stuffed animals everywhere. Racks bristling with thousands of rods. A clothing shop. A gunshop upstairs. An archery range. Anything and everything a person could want.
I turned to Dad (he was just grinning at me - he'd been there before) and asked "Where's the bathrooms?"
"You got to go again?" he asked.
"Nah, I need to go beat off. This is fucking great!"
A sales clerk passing by overheard it and started laughing and pointed me the way to the bathrooms. I thanked her and started wandering.
I was really surprised at all the women that were in there and you could tell they were there for themselves, not their men. It's nice to know that the ladies are just as involved at this stuff as I am. Maybe I'll start hanging out there so I can find a sweetie to fish and shoot with.
We spent 3 short hours just looking and picking up a few odds and ends. I needed some sling swivels, wool socks, and if I could find it, some 41 magnum brass.
I got everything and more that I was looking for except for the brass. I know, that's what I get for shooting an off caliber. And believe it or not, I was only down $150 at the end of the day. But damn, what a day.
Now I have catalogue shopped and bought stuff from Bass Pro online for years but until yesterday, I had never been inside a store like that before. Not Bass Pro or the new Cabelas in Boomtown. As a matter of fact, when I went to Carson City a few weeks back, I had to cross my legs to keep from pissing myself just to keep from pulling into Boomtown for a restroom break.
Why have I resisted so much? Well, I could tell you that I do ALL my trading in local businesses but the fact of the matter is, I didn't think my heart could take the shock of seeing a store bigger than a Wal-Mart devoted to nothing but hunting and fishing shit. Not to mention the shock on my bank account.
Yesterday I took the plunge. I went and picked up Dad and we drove to Manteca to the new Bass Pro. Hey, I was acting cool, making casual conversation but inside I was like a kid on Christmas Eve.
We got there and I parked at the far end of the parking lot so Dad could have a few tokes (puffs?) on his pipe and I could calm down a bit.
As soon as I hit the door, my breath left me. I could not fucking believe my eyes!!! A rock wall on the far side of the store with sheep mounts in natural poses. Deer and elk heads lining the walls.
A huge aquarium filled with monster bass, stripers, catfish and sturgeon. Stuffed animals everywhere. Racks bristling with thousands of rods. A clothing shop. A gunshop upstairs. An archery range. Anything and everything a person could want.
I turned to Dad (he was just grinning at me - he'd been there before) and asked "Where's the bathrooms?"
"You got to go again?" he asked.
"Nah, I need to go beat off. This is fucking great!"
A sales clerk passing by overheard it and started laughing and pointed me the way to the bathrooms. I thanked her and started wandering.
I was really surprised at all the women that were in there and you could tell they were there for themselves, not their men. It's nice to know that the ladies are just as involved at this stuff as I am. Maybe I'll start hanging out there so I can find a sweetie to fish and shoot with.
We spent 3 short hours just looking and picking up a few odds and ends. I needed some sling swivels, wool socks, and if I could find it, some 41 magnum brass.
I got everything and more that I was looking for except for the brass. I know, that's what I get for shooting an off caliber. And believe it or not, I was only down $150 at the end of the day. But damn, what a day.
Estate planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune and fun.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted a strikingly beautiful woman. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted a strikingly beautiful woman. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Men....
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, " I don't know.. I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.
From Tattoo Jim
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, " I don't know.. I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.
From Tattoo Jim
Friday, January 16, 2009
The truth comes out....
No woman will ever be satisfied unless a man can grow a chocolate
penis that ejaculates money!
(and yolo says "damn straight!!" to that one)
penis that ejaculates money!
(and yolo says "damn straight!!" to that one)
Mugshots
#1 - I'm guessing that this isn't the first time he's been sent to the joint.
#2 - It looks like he met up with some concrete. Violently and quickly.
#3 - I don't know what in the fuck happened here.
#4 - Just plain retarded.
Dammit, I did it AGAIN!!!
I was out running a few errands and happened to drive past my local gun shop, checking to see who's trucks were out in front.
"What the hell, I might as well stop in and shoot the shit with the boys for a minute" I thought, so I whipped in and parked.
One hundred and seventy five cash Dollars later........
"What the hell, I might as well stop in and shoot the shit with the boys for a minute" I thought, so I whipped in and parked.
One hundred and seventy five cash Dollars later........
My kinda wedding
A mayor named Stubby?
A ring bearer named Rhino?
A fish fry wedding dinner?
A honeymoon at Bass Pro?
Straight up White Trash, God Bless each and every one of 'em.
Turnabout is fair play
A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."
No sense of humor at all
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah well, I couldn't believe it... he was a dwarf!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah well, I couldn't believe it... he was a dwarf!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
Who says dogs are dumb?
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious about his behaviour, I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious about his behaviour, I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Dead dog
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
From (where else): www.deaddog.com
“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
From (where else): www.deaddog.com
Door mats
Hey Wirecutter
Somehow, I see you with the first door mat. Mine would be the second one. I figure Deb's is the third one.
-Tattoo Jim
Somehow, I see you with the first door mat. Mine would be the second one. I figure Deb's is the third one.
-Tattoo Jim
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