A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work….You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy… 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says… 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
From Tattoo Jim
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Me in 20 years
Yeah, rollin hard with my 41 magnum under my shawl, beer in hand and a stiffie (I hope).
Fuck Gun Control
Australian Gun Law Update (if accurate the figures speak for themselves)
Here's a thought to warm some of your hearts...From: Ed Chenel , A police officer in Australia
Hi Yanks, I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under.
It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by a new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government, a program costing Australian taxpayers more than $500 million dollars.
The first year results are now in:
Australia-wide, homicides are up 6.2 percent,
Australia-wide, assaults are up 9.6 percent;
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent.
(Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns!)
While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.
There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly, while the resident is at home.
Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in 'successfully ridding Australian society of guns.' You won't see this on the American evening news or hear your governor or members of the State Assembly disseminating this information.
The Australian experience speaks for itself. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens.
Take note Americans, before it's too late!
From my mother. Thanks, Mom!!
Here's a thought to warm some of your hearts...From: Ed Chenel , A police officer in Australia
Hi Yanks, I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under.
It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by a new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government, a program costing Australian taxpayers more than $500 million dollars.
The first year results are now in:
Australia-wide, homicides are up 6.2 percent,
Australia-wide, assaults are up 9.6 percent;
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent.
(Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns!)
While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.
There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly, while the resident is at home.
Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in 'successfully ridding Australian society of guns.' You won't see this on the American evening news or hear your governor or members of the State Assembly disseminating this information.
The Australian experience speaks for itself. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens.
Take note Americans, before it's too late!
From my mother. Thanks, Mom!!
Monday, February 02, 2009
Strange......
This is tooooooooo weird!
Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: “Fuck off and go home all you benefit stealing, kid producing, non English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly raghead bastards with you.”
How weird is that ??
Dammit Yolo, I just made nice with an apology and now you send me this knowing that I couldn't pass it up.
Good job.....
Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: “Fuck off and go home all you benefit stealing, kid producing, non English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly raghead bastards with you.”
How weird is that ??
Dammit Yolo, I just made nice with an apology and now you send me this knowing that I couldn't pass it up.
Good job.....
Happy Birthday, Russ
It's been almost 24 years since you left this life of tears behind.
Miss ya, Bro.
Miss ya, Bro.
Father of the Year
He takes the baby to a bachelor party?
And who's the woman in the background? The mother?
My kinda people......
Alaskan Clydesdale
Only in Alaska ....... This guy raised an abandoned moose calf with his horses, and believe it or not, he has trained it for lumber removal and other hauling tasks. Given the 2,000 pounds of robust muscle, and the splayed, grippy hooves, he claims it is the best work animal he has. He says the secret to keeping the moose around is a sweet salt lick, although during the rut he disappears for a couple of weeks, but always comes home....
There's bound to be someone out there that would raise an objection to using a "wild" animal for what he does, but I say Hey! if he always comes home, what's the problem?
PS to my comment below
Bunk & Nightmare, if you'll hit the email link in my profile, I'd appreciate it. I'd like to thank ya'll personally for your comments.
-Wirecutter
-Wirecutter
My humble apologies
All right now, I'm going to do something I never did before, which is retracting a post.
Both Nightmare Believer and Bunk Strutt pulled my ass up short - I made a post that shouldn't have been made. I criticized another faith and not in a joking manner. I make a big deal out of the rights we have in the US and I just showed my narrow line of thinking with that post. Had it been a comment I wouldn't have published it and I am man enough to admit that I was dead wrong in posting it. I'll freely admit that I had a bit much to drink when I did make the post but that's no excuse. I apologize to any and all that read it and was offended.
Both Nightmare Believer and Bunk Strutt pulled my ass up short - I made a post that shouldn't have been made. I criticized another faith and not in a joking manner. I make a big deal out of the rights we have in the US and I just showed my narrow line of thinking with that post. Had it been a comment I wouldn't have published it and I am man enough to admit that I was dead wrong in posting it. I'll freely admit that I had a bit much to drink when I did make the post but that's no excuse. I apologize to any and all that read it and was offended.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
If you insist, Doc
As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the Medical establishment, which nowadays, has more and more women in it. For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Friday, January 30, 2009
Fan mail
The "Guess what this is" post from earlier today wasn't up 5 minutes before I got my first comment. I'll share it with all of you.
"This is the most racist thing I've heard in a long time. I'll never come back to this site again!"
My reply:
Fuck you. It was a joke.
"This is the most racist thing I've heard in a long time. I'll never come back to this site again!"
My reply:
Fuck you. It was a joke.
I'm pissed (again)
Does it offend anybody but me that during the campaigns, the subject of Obama's muslim ties were kept off limits by his people but in his very first public speech (in a muslim nation, no less) he bragged on his muslim (notice that I refuse to capitalize that word) background? And that he assured his listeners that "America is not your enemy?"
I wonder what our friend Israel thinks about that?
Fuck that socialist son of a bitch and the Secret Service that I wish will read this.
I wonder what our friend Israel thinks about that?
Fuck that socialist son of a bitch and the Secret Service that I wish will read this.
Guess what this is
"Foe Foe Fie - Nie Nie Sebin - Foe Sebin Foe Fie"
What do you think it means?
Give up yet?
It's the new phone number at the white house.
Thanks, Rotten Randy
What do you think it means?
Give up yet?
It's the new phone number at the white house.
Thanks, Rotten Randy
Economic Stimulus Payment (by Dave Barry)
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. "What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?"
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. "Where will the government get this money?"
A. From taxpayers.
Q. "So the government is giving me back my own money?"
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. "What is the purpose of this payment?"
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. "But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Q. "What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?"
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. "Where will the government get this money?"
A. From taxpayers.
Q. "So the government is giving me back my own money?"
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. "What is the purpose of this payment?"
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. "But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
BUNK, YA OWE ME AN EMAIL BEER!!!!!
Gotta get these!
Since you're up, you better make yourself some breakfast,
sunny-side up?? Have a great day ahead of you!
-Yolo (You Only Live Once, so kick ass on the way out!!)
sunny-side up?? Have a great day ahead of you!
-Yolo (You Only Live Once, so kick ass on the way out!!)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I couldn't resist
Okay, I confess.
I drank a beer tonight.
8 or 9 of them motherfuckers as a matter of fact. Tall Boys, too.
Thanks for talking some sense into me, Ibeam.
Love and Respect, Bro
-Wirecutter
I drank a beer tonight.
8 or 9 of them motherfuckers as a matter of fact. Tall Boys, too.
Thanks for talking some sense into me, Ibeam.
Love and Respect, Bro
-Wirecutter
Help me out here....
I'm trying to figure out if this li'l fucker is gonna be gay or is he a tit man starting young?
A new blog
I just got a link to a new blog that ya'll might enjoy.
They've got a nice set-up and some funny shit.
Check it out at:
http://www.playusout.com/
They've got a nice set-up and some funny shit.
Check it out at:
http://www.playusout.com/
That's some serious shit there
Taking that running a bit serious, don't you think??? I'd hate to be following this asshole.
Tattoo Jim
Tattoo Jim
DAMN JIM, I WAS EATING!!!!!
Give a guy some warning next time, will ya??
Don't ya know....
One thing about Obama getting elected and moving into the White House:
It just goes to show that no matter how hard a Brotha works, no matter how far he advances, he's still going be to living in Government housing.
Thanks to Cute Li'l Julie from work.
It just goes to show that no matter how hard a Brotha works, no matter how far he advances, he's still going be to living in Government housing.
Thanks to Cute Li'l Julie from work.
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