Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Perspective (from Tattoo Jim)
A man had lost one of his arms in an accident. One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.
He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
The one armed man asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy …. my ass itches."
You're right, Jim. That shit was funny!
He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
The one armed man asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy …. my ass itches."
You're right, Jim. That shit was funny!
GO, STOCKTON!! YOU"RE #1!!!!!
Beverly from Phoenix sent me an article about America's 10 most miserable cities and guess who was #1????
STOCKTON, CALIFORNIA - Ghetto Capitol of the world!!!!
Below is an excerpt from the article:
The most miserable city
Stockton ranks in the bottom seven in four of the nine categories we looked at: commute times, income tax rates, unemployment and violent crime. Only New York City has a higher income tax rate than what Stockton, and all California residents, are forced to pay.
Stockton was ground zero for the housing boom and now the subsequent bust. Home prices more than tripled between 1998 and 2005, and then came crashing down last year. Stockton had the country's highest foreclosure rate last year at 9.5 percent, according to RealtyTrac, an online marketer of foreclosed property. Things are not looking much brighter in 2009 as housing prices are expected to fall another 36 percent on the heels of a 39 percent drop in 2008. Also, unemployment is expected to jump to 13.3 percent from 10.4 percent, according to economic research firm Moody's Economy.com.
So, according to this article, things are only gonna get worse there. WOO-HOO!!!!
Beer, anyone?
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is freedom. In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Alcohol = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is freedom. In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Alcohol = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Should've used gasoline
A little boy about 9 goes into a drugstore and asks where he can find the Red Devil lye.
The clerk asks if his drains were clogged and the boy replied "Naw, my little dog got sprayed by a skunk and then rolled in dogshit to get the smell off and now he smells worse. I think this'll do the trick."
The clerk tells him that lye would probably kill the dog and suggested tomato juice instead, but the boy had his mind made up.
About a week later the boy returns and the clerk asked about the dog.
"Sumbitch died," said the boy.
"I told you that the lye would kill him" said the clerk, shaking his head.
The boy replied "Hey, he made it through the wash okay, but I really think it was the spin cycle that killed him."
The clerk asks if his drains were clogged and the boy replied "Naw, my little dog got sprayed by a skunk and then rolled in dogshit to get the smell off and now he smells worse. I think this'll do the trick."
The clerk tells him that lye would probably kill the dog and suggested tomato juice instead, but the boy had his mind made up.
About a week later the boy returns and the clerk asked about the dog.
"Sumbitch died," said the boy.
"I told you that the lye would kill him" said the clerk, shaking his head.
The boy replied "Hey, he made it through the wash okay, but I really think it was the spin cycle that killed him."
Wake-n-bacon
WHAT: An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell and sizzle of cooking bacon.
WHY: No one likes to wake up, especially by an alarm. This clock gently wakes you up with the mouthwatering aroma of bacon, just like waking up on a Sunday morning to the smell of Mom cooking breakfast.
HOW: A frozen strip of bacon is placed in Wake n' Bacon the night before. Because there is a 10 minute cooking time, the clock is set to go off 10 minutes before the desired waking time. Once the alarm goes off, the clock it sends a signal to a small speaker to generate the alarm sound. The clock is hacked so that the signal is re-routed by a microchip that in responds by sending a signal to a relay that throws the switch to power two halogen lamps that slow-cook the bacon in about 10 minutes.
WHY: No one likes to wake up, especially by an alarm. This clock gently wakes you up with the mouthwatering aroma of bacon, just like waking up on a Sunday morning to the smell of Mom cooking breakfast.
HOW: A frozen strip of bacon is placed in Wake n' Bacon the night before. Because there is a 10 minute cooking time, the clock is set to go off 10 minutes before the desired waking time. Once the alarm goes off, the clock it sends a signal to a small speaker to generate the alarm sound. The clock is hacked so that the signal is re-routed by a microchip that in responds by sending a signal to a relay that throws the switch to power two halogen lamps that slow-cook the bacon in about 10 minutes.
Thanks Yolo. Gotta get one!
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