"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken aback, "What's the good news then, Doctor?" The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" The patient nods his head. The doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
The Illinois doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House for TWO MONTHS, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.'
Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive. One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow."Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal." Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him. The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, "Oh, girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day." All at once the girls get up and head for the door. "Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"
Jesse Jackson was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You have a rag for a gas cap. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.... Now give me back my dog....."
About 20 years ago one of the guys on my crew was shot while rolling dice in an alley. Now why he was rolling dice in an alley and why he didn't shoot first I'll never know, but I did have a funeral to attend. The burying ground was about 10 miles from here, not too far from a railroad marshalling yard and naturally I got held up by a freight train as it backed up, moved forward, and backed up again for about 20 minutes. When I FINALLY got to the funeral I was just a little late (fucking train), so as to not disturb the mourners with my loud-ass mufflers, I cut the ignition on my 64 Chevy truck and planned to coast up to the party in progress, but I underestimated the distance and the amount of cars there on the curbside and seeing that I was going to come up just a bit short so I switched the ignition back on causing the truck to backfire. When that happened, several bags of dope were thrown into the grave, two mourners took off running, 3 drew pistols to return fire and a couple more threw up their hands and surrendered outright.