"Um, hey Bro. Do you have plans for Christmas? I know you're alone and I was just wondering if um, maybe, if you don't have any plans for......."
"Well, actually, all I was planning was some fishing for Big Ass Trout" I said.
He looked a little relieved. "Well, would you like to maybe come over for dinner and maybe....."
"What?" I said. "Do I look like I need your fucking charity? I got family, man. Kiss my ass! I got people that love me!!!!"
"Oh shit, I didn't mean any offense, Brother. I just thought maybe......"
Damn, I love fucking with people.
The fishing should be good, I'll have the whole lake to myself.
And Denny's won't be too crowded.........
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Well, my day is complete
Okay, I changed my home number a month ago due to solicitors calling me up 5-6 times a night. The new number I got is almost as bad. It's not solicitors, it's creditors looking for the guy who had the number before me. But it's no big deal, they only call when I'm at work and they leave one message a day. I figure that one day they'll call when I'm home and I'll catch them and let 'em know Mr. Aaron Prasad no longer has this number.
So today I'm in the bedroom playing solitaire on the computer and my answering machine goes off. I recognize that it's the County Jail by the automated message (my brother-in-law was a professional convict) but I don't catch the name. I figure it's somebody calling to get bailed out and they must be pretty fucking desperate to be calling me. Real urgent, you know?
I play 3 or 4 more games before my curiosity gets the best of me and I wander in and listen to the message. Whattya know, it's Mr. Aaron Prasad!
Hmmmm, I wonder what he did?
I go back to my computer and pull up the County Sheriff website that I have saved to favorites (that brother-in-law thing again) and dammity damn, Mr. Aaron Prasad has a whole shitload of charges against him and not only that, he's been in the lock-up since July. So I write down the penal code charges and then pull up the California Penal Code that I have in my favorites folder (you guessed it, the brother-in-law trip again) and find that Mr. Aaron Prasad been very naughty. All the charges are related to attempted murder and elder abuse.
So I go to the Modesto Bee - give me a break, I was bored - and find out that Mr. Aaron Prasad was arrested for beating his granny and whacking her with a fucking meat cleaver! She survived (barely) and fingered him. He was still covered in her blood when they arrested him.
Well, that's fucked up.
I mean, even if you don't care for Granny, you don't whack her with a meat cleaver. That's just downright rude. You just stick her in an old folk's home if she pisses you off.
Right on cue, the phone rings again and it's Mr. Aaron Prasad. I can't resist this. It's worth the 5 or 10 bucks to twist his mind.
So I follow all the voice prompts and we're connected.
"Hello?"
"What's up fucker? How's jailhouse life?" I'm smiling.
"Hello?"
"Ya already said that."
"Who is this?"
"Who the fuck do you think it is?"
"What are you doing in my house?" His mind is turning fast now.
"It ain't your house anymore. Now it's mine. Why'd you whack your granny with a meat cleaver, ya little bitch?"
"I WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS IS!!!!!"
"Fuck you. You're a real piece of shit, you know that? Your grandma loved you, man."
"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPP.........."
Click. The line goes dead.
I hope whoever was monitoring the call was laughing as much as I was.
Sleep tight, Mr. Aaron Prasad.
So today I'm in the bedroom playing solitaire on the computer and my answering machine goes off. I recognize that it's the County Jail by the automated message (my brother-in-law was a professional convict) but I don't catch the name. I figure it's somebody calling to get bailed out and they must be pretty fucking desperate to be calling me. Real urgent, you know?
I play 3 or 4 more games before my curiosity gets the best of me and I wander in and listen to the message. Whattya know, it's Mr. Aaron Prasad!
Hmmmm, I wonder what he did?
I go back to my computer and pull up the County Sheriff website that I have saved to favorites (that brother-in-law thing again) and dammity damn, Mr. Aaron Prasad has a whole shitload of charges against him and not only that, he's been in the lock-up since July. So I write down the penal code charges and then pull up the California Penal Code that I have in my favorites folder (you guessed it, the brother-in-law trip again) and find that Mr. Aaron Prasad been very naughty. All the charges are related to attempted murder and elder abuse.
So I go to the Modesto Bee - give me a break, I was bored - and find out that Mr. Aaron Prasad was arrested for beating his granny and whacking her with a fucking meat cleaver! She survived (barely) and fingered him. He was still covered in her blood when they arrested him.
Well, that's fucked up.
I mean, even if you don't care for Granny, you don't whack her with a meat cleaver. That's just downright rude. You just stick her in an old folk's home if she pisses you off.
Right on cue, the phone rings again and it's Mr. Aaron Prasad. I can't resist this. It's worth the 5 or 10 bucks to twist his mind.
So I follow all the voice prompts and we're connected.
"Hello?"
"What's up fucker? How's jailhouse life?" I'm smiling.
"Hello?"
"Ya already said that."
"Who is this?"
"Who the fuck do you think it is?"
"What are you doing in my house?" His mind is turning fast now.
"It ain't your house anymore. Now it's mine. Why'd you whack your granny with a meat cleaver, ya little bitch?"
"I WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS IS!!!!!"
"Fuck you. You're a real piece of shit, you know that? Your grandma loved you, man."
"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPP.........."
Click. The line goes dead.
I hope whoever was monitoring the call was laughing as much as I was.
Sleep tight, Mr. Aaron Prasad.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Hey Tamra
The link you sent came up as "Error 404" and that's the reason I deleted it. If you have something to send or just want to say hey! hit "View Profile" button on the sidebar, then the "email" button.
Sorry for any misunderstanding. Please visit again.
-Ken
Sorry for any misunderstanding. Please visit again.
-Ken
Yeah, they come cheap now
Thanks, Karen. I'm getting mine next week for not shooting my neighbor for making too much noise with his annual Christmas party.
The Rolling Fucking Stones
I hate the Rolling Stones. I don't just hate the Stones, I violently hate the Stones. Don't ask me why, I can't tell you. I can remember when I was a kid and all the other fuckers were going ga-ga over them, I was gagging over 'em. I know that sounds strange coming from somebody that was a teenager in the 70s but what can I say.
I will freely admit that it's Jagger that I despise. I hate his skinny body, I hate his thick fucking lips, I hate his faggy haircut, I hate the way he dances, I hate his voice, but most of all I hate his fucking high and mighty attitude. And as long as the rest of the band lets him sing for them, I'm hating them too, the pussies.
Let me tell you how much I hate the Stones:
I can be going down the road with the radio down so low that YOU can't hear it and if a Stones song comes on I'll start cussing and turn it off. That ain't bad for somebody that has more than a 50% hearing loss.
I will boycott radio stations that play the Stones. Thank God for CD players.
If I'm in your vehicle and a Stones song comes on and you refuse to change the station, you better stop the truck because I'm bailing out.
If I see a Stones CD in your truck, you just lost it. It's going airborne. Sure, I'll pay you for it but that one's history.
If I'm channel surfing and accidentally catch a glimpse of that fucking punk Jagger's face, my TV screen will get slammed with a beer can.
If I'm at your house and you want me to leave, put the Stones on. I will walk out immediately. You can deliver my coat to me at a later date because I will never grace your doorway with my presence again.
What's really funny is that I have nothing but respect for Keith Richards who is an absolutely brilliant guitarist, but put him with Jagger and the shit is on.
Fuck, I'm getting fired up just writing about them.
I will freely admit that it's Jagger that I despise. I hate his skinny body, I hate his thick fucking lips, I hate his faggy haircut, I hate the way he dances, I hate his voice, but most of all I hate his fucking high and mighty attitude. And as long as the rest of the band lets him sing for them, I'm hating them too, the pussies.
Let me tell you how much I hate the Stones:
I can be going down the road with the radio down so low that YOU can't hear it and if a Stones song comes on I'll start cussing and turn it off. That ain't bad for somebody that has more than a 50% hearing loss.
I will boycott radio stations that play the Stones. Thank God for CD players.
If I'm in your vehicle and a Stones song comes on and you refuse to change the station, you better stop the truck because I'm bailing out.
If I see a Stones CD in your truck, you just lost it. It's going airborne. Sure, I'll pay you for it but that one's history.
If I'm channel surfing and accidentally catch a glimpse of that fucking punk Jagger's face, my TV screen will get slammed with a beer can.
If I'm at your house and you want me to leave, put the Stones on. I will walk out immediately. You can deliver my coat to me at a later date because I will never grace your doorway with my presence again.
What's really funny is that I have nothing but respect for Keith Richards who is an absolutely brilliant guitarist, but put him with Jagger and the shit is on.
Fuck, I'm getting fired up just writing about them.
Happy bathing
The next time you're an overnight guest at somebody's house and you don't bring your own soap, think about this as you're showering:
What's the last thing they washed with that bar of soap and what's the first thing you washed?
What's the last thing they washed with that bar of soap and what's the first thing you washed?
308 ballistics
Okay, a 165 grain boat tail bullet over 52 grains of H414 will give you about 2650 fps at the muzzle (Speer #9) and at a 200 yard zero will give you about 12 inches of drop at 300 hundred yards and 1060 foot pounds of energy. Just thought you might wanna know.....
May you rot in hell
OSWIECIM, Poland – Thieves stole the notorious sign bearing the cynical Nazi slogan "Work Sets You Free" from the entrance to the former Auschwitz death camp on Friday, cutting through rows of barbed wire and metal bars before making their escape through the snow.
The brazen seizure of one of the Holocaust's most chilling symbols brought worldwide condemnation.
"The theft of such a symbolic object is an attack on the memory of the Holocaust, and an escalation from those elements that would like to return us to darker days," Yad Vashem Chairman Avner Shalev said in a statement from Jerusalem.
"I call on all enlightened forces in the world who fight against anti-Semitism, racism, xenophobia and the hatred of the other, to join together to combat these trends."
The 16-foot sign bearing the German words "Arbeit Macht Frei" — "Work Sets You Free" — spanned the main entrance to the Auschwitz death camp, where more than 1 million people, mostly Jews, were killed during World War II.
Why in the fuck would you want to steal this sign? It represents the suffering and pain of a People that has been persecuted since the beginning of time.
I hope that you go tell hell and suffer for all of eternity next to Hitler and all of his cronies.
The brazen seizure of one of the Holocaust's most chilling symbols brought worldwide condemnation.
"The theft of such a symbolic object is an attack on the memory of the Holocaust, and an escalation from those elements that would like to return us to darker days," Yad Vashem Chairman Avner Shalev said in a statement from Jerusalem.
"I call on all enlightened forces in the world who fight against anti-Semitism, racism, xenophobia and the hatred of the other, to join together to combat these trends."
The 16-foot sign bearing the German words "Arbeit Macht Frei" — "Work Sets You Free" — spanned the main entrance to the Auschwitz death camp, where more than 1 million people, mostly Jews, were killed during World War II.
Why in the fuck would you want to steal this sign? It represents the suffering and pain of a People that has been persecuted since the beginning of time.
I hope that you go tell hell and suffer for all of eternity next to Hitler and all of his cronies.
Friday, December 18, 2009
For YOLO
Here ya go Yolo, 2 things near and dear to your heart. Squirrels and....... Well, you know.
So basically, it's a "feel good" deal
COPENHAGEN – Two years of laborious negotiations on a climate agreement ended with a political deal brokered by President Barack Obama with China and other emerging powers but denounced by poor countries because it was nonbinding and set no overall target for curbing greenhouse gas emissions.
But a final session of climate conference delegates that lasted through the night cast doubt early Saturday on whether the president of the conference, Danish Prime Minister Lars Loekke Rasmussen, could declare the Copenhagen Accord approved.
Several countries, including Bolivia, Venezuela and Sudan said the document is unacceptable because it lacks targets for reducing carbon emissions.
Sudan's delegate Lumumba Di-Aping said it would condemn Africa to widespread deaths from global warming and compared it to the Holocaust. His statement was denounced by other delegations.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a leading proponent of strong action to confront global warming, gave the Copenhagen Accord grudging acceptance but said she had "mixed feelings" about the outcome and called it only a first step.
Obama's day of frenetic diplomacy produced a three-page document promising $30 billion in emergency aid in the next three years and a goal of channeling $100 billion a year by 2020 to developing countries with no guarantees.
Bangladeshi delegate Quamrul Islam Chowdhari said Obama had won over many of the leaders by personally phoning them in the weeks before the summit and "making them feel important."
But a final session of climate conference delegates that lasted through the night cast doubt early Saturday on whether the president of the conference, Danish Prime Minister Lars Loekke Rasmussen, could declare the Copenhagen Accord approved.
Several countries, including Bolivia, Venezuela and Sudan said the document is unacceptable because it lacks targets for reducing carbon emissions.
Sudan's delegate Lumumba Di-Aping said it would condemn Africa to widespread deaths from global warming and compared it to the Holocaust. His statement was denounced by other delegations.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a leading proponent of strong action to confront global warming, gave the Copenhagen Accord grudging acceptance but said she had "mixed feelings" about the outcome and called it only a first step.
Obama's day of frenetic diplomacy produced a three-page document promising $30 billion in emergency aid in the next three years and a goal of channeling $100 billion a year by 2020 to developing countries with no guarantees.
Bangladeshi delegate Quamrul Islam Chowdhari said Obama had won over many of the leaders by personally phoning them in the weeks before the summit and "making them feel important."
Thursday, December 17, 2009
A new category
I'm adding a new category and I'm naming it "I hate...."
I got to thinking today that I hate a lot of shit and it's about time I made my feelings known. It ain't healthy to keep hatred bottled up inside. These posts are going to include things I hate, people I hate, places I hate, all kinds of neat stuff.
And not only am I going to give you a peek into my hate-filled mind, I'm going to tell you WHY I hate it. Aren't you lucky???
I do want to take a minute to thank Harlem of Harlem's Haterade for the inspiration. You can find her blog in my sidebar.
And for your first glimpse of things I hate, check out the post below.
I got to thinking today that I hate a lot of shit and it's about time I made my feelings known. It ain't healthy to keep hatred bottled up inside. These posts are going to include things I hate, people I hate, places I hate, all kinds of neat stuff.
And not only am I going to give you a peek into my hate-filled mind, I'm going to tell you WHY I hate it. Aren't you lucky???
I do want to take a minute to thank Harlem of Harlem's Haterade for the inspiration. You can find her blog in my sidebar.
And for your first glimpse of things I hate, check out the post below.
Volkswagen Beetles
I tried to think of a snappy title for this post but couldn't so I'll just dive right in.
VW Beetles - I hate those motherfuckers. And it's not just the cars that I hate, I hate the idiotic people that drive them.
Mind you, I'm not talking about the bugs from the 60s and 70s. Those were tolerable. If you managed to get behind one you KNEW that you were stuck for a while because top speed was maybe 50 mph on level ground. If you happened to be behind it when it was going over an overpass or up a small hill, the speed dropped to 35 or so because of the anemic engines they had. You had to be sympathetic because you knew the driver of the bug was just as frustrated as you were. No big deal.
No, I'm talking about the newer ones. Why in the fuck is it that every goddamned person that drives one thinks they're driving a Porsche? I can be driving down the road doing a cool 20 mph over the speed limit and some fucking asshole in a VW comes tearing up behind me, passes me and then cuts back in front of me so close that I can't see their rear license plate. Fuck, I know the top speed on them can't be but maybe 90, so why do they think they have to drive it that fast all the time? And I know the handling characteristics can't be all that great because every rollover accident I've seen in the past year involved a VW on a gentle turn!
Dammit Ladies, slow the fuck down. You're driving a Volkswagon Beetle, not a fucking sports car!
And if you're not a women and you drive a Beetle......... Well, that's just fucking gay.
VW Beetles - I hate those motherfuckers. And it's not just the cars that I hate, I hate the idiotic people that drive them.
Mind you, I'm not talking about the bugs from the 60s and 70s. Those were tolerable. If you managed to get behind one you KNEW that you were stuck for a while because top speed was maybe 50 mph on level ground. If you happened to be behind it when it was going over an overpass or up a small hill, the speed dropped to 35 or so because of the anemic engines they had. You had to be sympathetic because you knew the driver of the bug was just as frustrated as you were. No big deal.
No, I'm talking about the newer ones. Why in the fuck is it that every goddamned person that drives one thinks they're driving a Porsche? I can be driving down the road doing a cool 20 mph over the speed limit and some fucking asshole in a VW comes tearing up behind me, passes me and then cuts back in front of me so close that I can't see their rear license plate. Fuck, I know the top speed on them can't be but maybe 90, so why do they think they have to drive it that fast all the time? And I know the handling characteristics can't be all that great because every rollover accident I've seen in the past year involved a VW on a gentle turn!
Dammit Ladies, slow the fuck down. You're driving a Volkswagon Beetle, not a fucking sports car!
And if you're not a women and you drive a Beetle......... Well, that's just fucking gay.
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