Tuesday, August 24, 2010

New fucking neighbors

I got new neighbors.
Stupid fuckers.

The house next door had been vacant for about 6 months and just couldn't sell due to the price and the fucking banks all of a sudden getting cautious because they lost their asses last year.
Hey, even with the squatters and dope fiends trying to take it over, I enjoyed the fact it was semi empty. I had entertainment everytime I felt like kicking some doper ass - all I had to do was kick open the garage door - but I also had a little privacy after word got out about the asskicking. No neighbors to fuck with me except my pyscho neighbor on the other side and we're kinda sorta on the same wavelength, if you know what I mean.

Okay. So the other night I'm in the back yard drinking beer and chucking empty beer cans at CharlieGodammit and I hear something next door. Oooooh, in broad daylight no less. These motherfuckers are getting shameless.
So I rassle CGD into a leash and head next door. Two cars in the driveway. The door is open. A hippie looking dude is on the floor ripping out the baseboards. Oh, this is gonna be fun.
"Something I fucking help you with, asshole?" I say. He looks startled and raises his knife.
This girl pops out of the bedroom. I'm surrounded. I cut CGD loose from his leash. He immediately runs over and buries his nose in her crotch. Good boy. I'd have done the same thing.
"Hi! We're moving in! Do live nearby?" she says.
"Yeah. Next door. You bought this place?" Not even trying to call CGD off, he's having fun.
She crosses her legs. The dude with the knife (okay, paintbrush) gets up.
"Um hey. My name is Josh."
"And my name is Callie."
"Yeah. That's CharlieGodammit."
"Charlie what?" in unison.
"CharlieGodammit. You'll find out why."
"And your name is what, sir?" the hippie asked.
"Sir works for now, man" I reply.
"We've been married for only 3 months!" Callie says.
Well, whoop-ti-woo, I think. Wait for 10 or 15 years and see how you feel then.
"Sir?"
"What?"
"Please, call CharlieGodammit off..... Please?"