Tuesday, August 24, 2010

New fucking neighbors

I got new neighbors.
Stupid fuckers.

The house next door had been vacant for about 6 months and just couldn't sell due to the price and the fucking banks all of a sudden getting cautious because they lost their asses last year.
Hey, even with the squatters and dope fiends trying to take it over, I enjoyed the fact it was semi empty. I had entertainment everytime I felt like kicking some doper ass - all I had to do was kick open the garage door - but I also had a little privacy after word got out about the asskicking. No neighbors to fuck with me except my pyscho neighbor on the other side and we're kinda sorta on the same wavelength, if you know what I mean.

Okay. So the other night I'm in the back yard drinking beer and chucking empty beer cans at CharlieGodammit and I hear something next door. Oooooh, in broad daylight no less. These motherfuckers are getting shameless.
So I rassle CGD into a leash and head next door. Two cars in the driveway. The door is open. A hippie looking dude is on the floor ripping out the baseboards. Oh, this is gonna be fun.
"Something I fucking help you with, asshole?" I say. He looks startled and raises his knife.
This girl pops out of the bedroom. I'm surrounded. I cut CGD loose from his leash. He immediately runs over and buries his nose in her crotch. Good boy. I'd have done the same thing.
"Hi! We're moving in! Do live nearby?" she says.
"Yeah. Next door. You bought this place?" Not even trying to call CGD off, he's having fun.
She crosses her legs. The dude with the knife (okay, paintbrush) gets up.
"Um hey. My name is Josh."
"And my name is Callie."
"Yeah. That's CharlieGodammit."
"Charlie what?" in unison.
"CharlieGodammit. You'll find out why."
"And your name is what, sir?" the hippie asked.
"Sir works for now, man" I reply.
"We've been married for only 3 months!" Callie says.
Well, whoop-ti-woo, I think. Wait for 10 or 15 years and see how you feel then.
"Sir?"
"What?"
"Please, call CharlieGodammit off..... Please?"

7 comments:

drjim said...

Hmmmm...wonder what they do for a living?

Skip said...

An' you had your shit with ya, right? Just in case.

Anonymous said...

I'm kinda lucky with most of my neighbors directly around me and I don't make it point to talk with any of them unless they're out at the same time I am. A total of two I'd consider calling on if in a bind. But there's always one in the bunch. This whack job right next door waters his grass while it's raining, draping his soaker hose over my hedges bending them; he wears a full brilliant white hazmat suit while dragging his fertiziler tub behind his lawn tractor; has so much yard implements he has a open faced pup tent filled, and his shed door won't even close with all the crap he has. If I'm in the yard, he kinda creeps up on me hiding behind a hedge and then starts talking, scaring me to no end, and is always wanting to 'loan' me his tools (for what!? so my yard can look like his pile o' weeds!) He calls me "ma lady"'! Like wtf. He's a short, greasy, obnoxious ass, who's wife is an Amazonian-built mutant, and possibly has had a head injury. I just steer clear unless I'm cornered by his inane conversation. I've never introduced myself, but he seems to think he has a grasp on being neighborly. Oh and his f'n dogs: little shelties that quietly run up on you and the start barking so you almost have a coronary. Ok, I'm done, but dammit this guy torques me to no end.
Susan

orbitup said...

LMAO...... paintbrush.....

Anonymous said...

Beware of suckups that call you Sir. Never turn your back on a coward.
Paul in Texas

Deb said...

Always nice to introduce yourself to the neighbors 'cause you do know, "it takes a village" and you are just the "it" to take it. Way to go! Now you don't have to worry about them trying to borrow crap from you.

Amusing Bunni said...

Charlie was the welcoming committee!
That's too funny. At least they don't have any noisy bratty kids. I'm surrounded by them and they suck.

I hope they don't turn out to be too annoying.