Monday, November 29, 2010

I could roll either way right now.

So I haven't had a beer since Wednesday night.
There's no special reason - No mom, I have not "hit bottom" - it's just that I've had stuff to do and suddenly I realized yesterday that I hadn't had anything to drink in 4 long loooong motherfucking days. But I couldn't drink last night either so.......
So now it's been 5 days. And it's got me to thinking, dammit.
I cannot tell you how may years I've gone without drinking for 5 days. My usual is 2, maybe 3 days, tops. I came to the conclusion a long time ago I was a drunk and hey! I was cool with that. I could afford it, I'm single and responsible for nobody but CharlieGodammit, I don't drink and drive and I only abuse myself in the bathroom during daylight hours.
But for the past year or so I'm thinking that the shit is interferring with me doing the things I like - not only because I'm drinking instead of shooting but also I can't afford the gas because I bought 80 bucks worth of beer last week.
And now it's been 5 days. I should just run with it, huh?
But I like beer.
As far as feeling better now after getting that nasty shit out of my system?
Fuck no. I feel like a goddam drunk that's been dry for 5 days. What a stupid fucking question. Don't bother asking that if you're looking for a positive reaction.
But other than that, yeah, I'm fine.

And think of the money I'll save that I can spend on other shit I like. I'm not even going to try to tell myself I'll save it. Fuck no, spend it on something cool before the Bill Monster that lives in the back of my mind comes out and claims it.
But 5 days, man..... that's 2 more days than my longest blackout. [Started in Germany, ended up in France. Don't ask.]

But then again, it's only been 5 fucking days. No big deal. I've stayed awake tweeking that long. I've had numerous hospital stays longer than that. Fuck, I've stayed awake that long fishing the spawn before. I've been lost that long. Five days ain't shit. I can do that anytime I want. I deserve a fucking beer. I'll start the next 5 days tomorrow.

I don't know. Let's see how it rolls.

13 comments:

phred said...

I feel what you're saying & I've been there. Stayed sober almost four years once. The trick is just not grabbing that case when you're at the store, or driving past it, or thinking about leaving the house for the hell of it. 'Day by day' is BS. It's hour by hour. You will have more cash, and drop some pounds.
I ain't trying to sway you. Those four years were a long time ago. Just something to think on.

wirecutter said...

Yeah, I did 20 years sober and fell off the wagon when I started going through a divorce.

Skip said...

Fuck that shit.
Bud and Maker's Mark is the only thing keeping me from going to Washington with a fuckin' rope.

wirecutter said...

Tear 'em up, Skip.

skeeter said...

Skip! I been sober 3 months now and I believe I'd meet you in washington to help or just watch!!! Wirecutter, keep. It up man! Its easier to not pick one up than it is to put one down!!( Of course you already know that!) My new thing is school!( Yeah I know, what the fuck?) Paramedic school, I was thinking today, 32 y/o, and studying for a fucking test!! But, I made second highest in class, so take that yall fucking kids!!! Lol( sorry, can't sleep, maybe I need a beer!)Lol

Anonymous said...

I applaud you for your 5 days with out drinking. I am divorced because of alcohol. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope you can keep this up as you are worth it. I am pulling for you man.

Mulligan said...

I'm lucky or weird or both but I don't really enjoy beer.

this rope idea now ... that I could get into.

Dan O. said...

I'd offer ya advice 'cept I'm sitting here sipping my 2nd bourbon of the night, so...which ever way you go, it's on you and good luck with it.

Bella said...

I like Beer. Just got to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Good luck, my friend. Cheers!

Deb said...

Another alcohol-related divorce here too, with the ex literally drinking himself to death not too long after.

My son was 12 when his dad died. Funny how it's the innocent ones who suffer the most.

There are always those left in the wake of a drunk who pay the price.

Just doesn't seem fair, does it?

Bella said...

Aw Jeez Deb, that is so sad. I joke, but I've had my head shoved through more pieces of drywall than I chose to remember by my drunken ex. Thankfully, my son was not there at the times to witness them.
I like a few beers once in a while and sometimes, I really tie one on. I always get goofy and have fun. I can't stand mean drunks, they suck the life out of you. I hope your boy is doing well.
Take Care Ken.

Deb said...

Bella:

Christ, did I sound morose or what?

I never had my head slammed through drywall. He wasn't a mean drunk, but a goofy drunk. You can only take so much goofy.

My son is doing great. Starts grad school in January, has a nice girlfriend, his own apt., etc. It must have been all the beatings I gave him to keep him in line!

Thanks, Bella. I too like a beer now and then. I give some to the dog and we have a burping contest. Come on over!

Sorry for the touchy-feely stuff Ken. I'll sing a round of Kumbaya for you.

Bella said...

That's good to hear Deb.

Who usually wins? You or the dog? One of mine can out-fart me and she doesn't even like beer, however the other 2 do though.