Monday, November 29, 2010

I could roll either way right now.

So I haven't had a beer since Wednesday night.
There's no special reason - No mom, I have not "hit bottom" - it's just that I've had stuff to do and suddenly I realized yesterday that I hadn't had anything to drink in 4 long loooong motherfucking days. But I couldn't drink last night either so.......
So now it's been 5 days. And it's got me to thinking, dammit.
I cannot tell you how may years I've gone without drinking for 5 days. My usual is 2, maybe 3 days, tops. I came to the conclusion a long time ago I was a drunk and hey! I was cool with that. I could afford it, I'm single and responsible for nobody but CharlieGodammit, I don't drink and drive and I only abuse myself in the bathroom during daylight hours.
But for the past year or so I'm thinking that the shit is interferring with me doing the things I like - not only because I'm drinking instead of shooting but also I can't afford the gas because I bought 80 bucks worth of beer last week.
And now it's been 5 days. I should just run with it, huh?
But I like beer.
As far as feeling better now after getting that nasty shit out of my system?
Fuck no. I feel like a goddam drunk that's been dry for 5 days. What a stupid fucking question. Don't bother asking that if you're looking for a positive reaction.
But other than that, yeah, I'm fine.

And think of the money I'll save that I can spend on other shit I like. I'm not even going to try to tell myself I'll save it. Fuck no, spend it on something cool before the Bill Monster that lives in the back of my mind comes out and claims it.
But 5 days, man..... that's 2 more days than my longest blackout. [Started in Germany, ended up in France. Don't ask.]

But then again, it's only been 5 fucking days. No big deal. I've stayed awake tweeking that long. I've had numerous hospital stays longer than that. Fuck, I've stayed awake that long fishing the spawn before. I've been lost that long. Five days ain't shit. I can do that anytime I want. I deserve a fucking beer. I'll start the next 5 days tomorrow.

I don't know. Let's see how it rolls.