Saturday, July 31, 2010

Scratch another one

Hey, what's the deal with babes wanting to have "full disclosure" (no shit, she actually used that term) about your personal life? I can understand honesty and trust once you've even started thinking about starting a relationship - trust and honesty are THE most important parts of a relationship - but why in the fuck does she want to know about what I was up to 25 years ago?
Like I could remember all the shit I was up to 25 years ago. Those were the drug years. Same thing with 35 years ago, same thing with 15 years ago.

Hey Sweetie, we got to know about each other during our first few dates. Our childhood, then a few delicious secrets to feel each other out.
I copped to the fact that I'm an ex-dope fiend and so did you.
I told you that there were nights and weekends that I won't be around due to my hobbies, but you were absolutely more than welcome to come if you wanted. I'd love to have a lady friend that enjoyed to fish and shoot.
I told you that I was the kind of guy that needed time to myself occasionally and I'd be more than happy to give you yours.
I told you I have no criminal record other than misdeanor possession and a DUI from over 25 years ago.
We know each others' relationship history and you know what? I don't care that you missed telling me about a one night stand or two. Why? Because I did the same thing to you.
You know my middle name although I have absolutely no idea why that was a big deal. I could really give a fuck less what yours is.
You know where I work, what I do and what my hours are. Fair enough, I asked you first.

But why in the fuck do you feel you have to know:
How old I was when I popped my cherry? Why is this important? I'm 51 now and I've been laid since.
What was her name? I mean, I've wondered that myself but how do you explain that?
How many times have I been in love? What difference does it make - I ain't in love now and there's a reason..
What's my home phone number? Okay, I admit that this is weird sounding but I have no idea what it is. I only have a home phone for the internet. I usually have the ringer off and the speaker down. I don't use the motherfucker.  You need to talk, call my cell. I'll return your call when I can.
The name of every woman I have slept with in my entire life? Are you fucking kidding me? I can give you some names (all fake) quite a few addresses only and an occasional city.
Did my father beat me? Fuck yeah he did. But not nearly enough in my opinion, even back then.
Am I the kind of guy that would give his life for somebody he loves? Not if you keep asking me stupid fucking questions.
How many times have I been arrested? What, in my entire life? And we're talking about arrests without indictments, right?
If I were to come face to face with my ex tomorrow, what would I do? Probably say "Hey, how ya been?" We'd go from there, but she'd know about you right out the gate. And yes, you would know every detail.
Why do we have to drive past every house I've lived in here in the area. What the fuck are you trying to do, establish a pattern? I've moved up.
Is that the bed you shared with your ex? I've been apart from my ex for 3 long years. Same headboard, different mattress.
What time do you leave the house in the morning and what time do you get back? Before dawn and usually before dusk in the summer.
How often do you visit your parents? It depends on how long I can get away without doing it.
How many jobs have you had? Makes no difference, I've been at this one for 19 years.
Do you have a problem spending time with my children and grandchildren? What, you have kids at and grandkids at your age? I thought you were a virgin..... Give me a fucking break. Do I have a choice if we're dating? Who know, I may even like the little bastards.
Why doesn't my dog like you? You know, I've been wondering that very same thing myself....

Bottom line is this: I don't mind giving up bullshit information to get to know each other but check this shit out:
We'll find out more and more information about each other as we progress.
But ya gotta know there's things about me that you're never gonna find out about. Some of the shit I don't want you to find out, some of the shit I don't want to think about, but most of it is shit that don't apply anymore.
And the same thing goes for you - I'm sure there are things that you don't want to expose. Hey, I'm cool with that. Fuck, I probably don't want to know.
But you know what? I don't fucking care.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


You know what pisses me off worse than anything else?
I cannot believe that motherfucker Obama has the balls to wear an American Flag pin on his lapel. I mean, after all he's done to europanize this Nation, to socialize it, to change it, to islamize it and he wears that pin?


I passed my stone a few hours ago.
It must've been a small one, it didn't hurt as bad as I had heard. Other than feeling like somebody stuck a red hot clothes hanger up my dick, that is.
Thanks to all those that expressed their concern and especially to Tim who put a boot up my ass to get it checked out further.
Folks, pay attention to those weird symptoms - backaches, cramps, nausea, lack of desire to masturbate, slight fever, loss of appetite, etc.
It had been going on with me for a couple of days. Nothing that I would normally be concerned about - I thought I just had a bug. But when I started having a burning feeling when I pissed and it came out with a strange color......
But don't take my word for what it is. Like Tim says, it may be more serious. Get it checked out.
I've got an appointment with Doc on Monday.

But they're honest hardworking people

Two men and five women were arrested and 12 children placed in protective custody after authorities found a marijuana grow of more than 2,100 mature plants with a street value of $4.3 million, the Tuolumne County Sheriff's Department reported.
The men and women are Mexican nationals and in the United States illegally. Their children range in age from an infant to 15 years old, according to a department news release issued Wednesday.
Acting on a tip, Tuolumne County drug agents and U.S. Forest Service personnel found a marijuana garden near Groveland on Tuesday. A path led them to a house connected with the garden.
Authorities obtained a warrant and searched the house, where one man, the five women and 12 children were found. A second man arrived while the warrant was being served.
Authorities found two rifles, cultivation materials and about $7,600 in cash in the house and garden, according to the news release.
The 2,174 mature plants were destroyed.

Read more:

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I hate getting old....

I'm pissing blood and I have a burning sensation when I go.
Thirty years ago I'd have thought I caught the clap, now I'm thinking about a kidney stone....

More about Charlie

One of his favorite things (mine too) to do is he likes to wait until we have traffic behind us, then he squats and takes a shit, making the yuppies behind me watch.
And yeah, I drive with the tailgate down until he does it.


Okay, check this shit out.
I've gotten several emails about CharlieGodammit over the past few weeks wanting to know more about him, how he got his name, etc.
For those that have been reading my blog, you know that I put my Punkindog down back at the beginning of the year. Fuck, that damned near killed me. I had him for 16 years and he was my very best friend. I missed him SO damned much.
After a few months of mourning and not having to clean up dogshit, I got to thinking about a new dog. But I wanted an older dog, a mellow dog, something that took a lot of naps. Just like me.....
A friend called me and said that his daughter had a dog she needed to get rid of because she was moving. To make a long story short, I called her and asked if I could come meet the dog to see if we got along. I went over, she shoved the dog out the door, said his name was Charlie or Jim, take my pick - he doesn't answer to nothing, said the motherfucker was wild, and slammed the door.
I had a dog.
She wasn't lying. He was completely feral. He was people shy, truck shy, everything to do with people shy.
I got him home and turned him loose. It was apparent though, that while he was wild then, he had some contact with humans and other animals.
He loves kids, is social with other dogs, gets out of the truck on the sidewalk side only, and respects a fence. Fuck, that's good enough for me. It's a good start, ya know?
I tried calling him Jim, I tried calling him Charlie but neither one worked. So I cracked open a beer and started thinking. The motherfucker immediately knocked it over and started lapping it up. The first words out of my mouth were "Charlie!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!!!"
Then after the 3rd or 4th beer I dropped it down to CharlieGodammit.
And so it's been ever since.

Okay, he's quit drinking after I filled a can with lemon juice concentrate and left the room. And no, he's he's not a mellow dog. No, he's not older - 18 months at the most.

I started wondering what kind of dog the motherfucker was. He looks almost like a Husky but not. So a couple of weeks ago, I went to and started looking through the pictures of breeds and finally figured out he's mostly Buhund (Norwegian Farm Dog) and Husky. Buhund because of his characteristics and that fucking tail of his and Husky because of his howling and facial markings.

A week or so ago, I got to thinking that CharlieGodammit is EXACTLY the opposite of the kind of dog I wanted and maybe I should start looking for somebody to give him a good home. Hey, he's excitable, he's young and he grabs my nuts when he wants attention. But being the lazy motherfucker I am, I put it off.

Night before last, he growled. No big thing, I heard my pyscho neighbors' daughter outside, so I thought maybe she was in the yard. Then Bruce (her dad) hollered "Hey Ken!!!" and jumped up on the front porch. Charlie hit that fucking security door so hard it actually bowed out, Bruce ran into the front yard, and I about pissed my pants laughing so hard. A few minutes later, I put Charlie on a leash and took him over to Bruces' place where he loved on his grandkids and let Bruce pet him. No threat, unless you're in his yard or trying to get in the house.
Okay, we still have issues. I don't know why I have a laundry basket. I put clothes in, he takes 'em out.
I have to walk him every night, but I actually can now without him yanking me everywhere.
He loves to chew shit up, but now I buy him rawhide bones.
There's about a million other things that I don't have time for now on account I'm getting buzzed and I could go on and on.
But the thing I love most about that motherfucker is coffee time. Every morning I ask if he's ready for coffe and he jumps on the bed, lays down and waits for me. That's when I get some serious loving from him and he gets a nut-rubbing.
That's my CharlieGodammit.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I'll give you 2 to 1 odds that France surrenders within a week.

France declares war against al-Qaida

PARIS – France has declared war on al-Qaida, and matched its fighting words with a first attack on a base camp of the terror network's North African branch, after the terror network killed a French aid worker it took hostage in April.
The declaration and attack marked a shift in strategy for France, usually discrete about its behind-the-scenes battle against terrorism.
"We are at war with al-Qaida," Prime Minister Francois Fillon said Tuesday, a day after President Nicolas Sarkozy announced the death of 78-year-old hostage Michel Germaneau.

And how's YOUR day going?

Big fucking sale at Wirecutter's store

Location is everything

Another shirt I'd like to see


I just got back from the funeral of a dear family friends' mother.
Let me tell you, I hate a fucking funeral. I would rather go to a wedding than a funeral. Not because of the sadness of the occasion, but because they're such a pain in the ass. Allow me to explain.
First of all, the timing sucks. There's no way around this - either it's on a workday that I ain't getting paid for or it's on a Saturday when I got better shit to do. And if it's a graveside service the weather is usually fucked up, hotter than a motherfucker or cold and raining. Goddammit, if you're going to die and have a graveside service, try to do it in the spring or fall. If the service is inside, the benches are so uncomfortable it ain't funny. Don't motherfuckers that build that shit ever sit in them? I don't know, maybe it's to keep you from falling asleep.
Then you got some dude that doesn't even know the guest of honor or saw them maybe once a week at the most stand up there and tell everybody what a wonderful person he/she was. Bullshit - he/she was a fuckup just like everybody else is. Or that he/she led a "troubled" life. Again, bullshit - he/she was a fucking dope fiend, drunk, criminal, skirt chaser or whatever.
Then the motherfucker will start boring you to tears by going on and on about how we're all going to hell if we don't change our ways. I know that, somebody tells me to go to hell damned near every day. Do like they do and just tell me, don't go on and on about it. Don't you realize we're all standing up here? Keep it short and sweet, asshole, or my knee's gonna give out and I'm gonna fall over.
Then we're asked to share a special memory of the dead fucker. Most of the time, nobody does which tells me that the deceased wasn't really all that special. But once one person does, it seems like everybody has to share something that nobody listens to anyway. Damn, I got an idea. How about we just get this shit over with and get the fuck out of here?
Then there's the tears. Check it out - you've had damned near a week to get that shit out of your system. Quit sniveling or at least wait until you get home so I don't have to see it.
The music? It sucks. How about some George Strait or some ass-kicking Rock & Roll? You know, something to wake me up.

Okay. If I was to die in the near future, here's how it's gonna be.
Rock music, enough chairs for everybody, smokers seated downwind from everybody else, dogs are welcome to attend and a friend's gonna do the talking and it's gonna be short and sweet, something like this:

"Okay, check this shit out. We're here to pay our respects to Ken and bury his ass. He's survived by his family seated here in the front row and his dog CharlieGodammit, who's over there rolling in something nasty.
Ken had some good qualities and some fucked up ones. Y'all know what they were.
He loved bacon, fishing and trying to kill shit.
Okay, that about does it. There's beer in the cooler - grab one and get the hell out of here so you can enjoy the rest of the day.
Fuck Obama."

See? Short and sweet.

Monday, July 26, 2010


What's the matter?
You motherfuckers can't comment on my posts?

Immigrant advocacy groups criticize fingerprint initiative

DENVER – The federal government is rapidly expanding a program to identify illegal immigrants using fingerprints from arrests, drawing opposition from local authorities and advocates who argue the initiative amounts to an excessive dragnet.
The program has gotten less attention than Arizona's new immigration law, but it may end up having a bigger impact because of its potential to round up and deport so many immigrants nationwide.

Of course they criticize it. They depend on the amount of people they help for the amount of funding they recieve. The less people they help, the less they can claim they need.
I got an idea - seeing as most of their grants probably come from FEDERAL grants, how about they only serve legal immigrants? You know, the ones that aren't breaking FEDERAL law?
Oh wait, never mind. I forgot I'm talking about The Obamessiah's federal Government, not ours.

Shirts we'd all like to see

Drugs are bad......

Nothing like being appreciated

Just chillin at mama's funeral, Bro

Another "Aw fuck" moment in time