New fucking neighbors

I got new neighbors.
Stupid fuckers.

The house next door had been vacant for about 6 months and just couldn't sell due to the price and the fucking banks all of a sudden getting cautious because they lost their asses last year.
Hey, even with the squatters and dope fiends trying to take it over, I enjoyed the fact it was semi empty. I had entertainment everytime I felt like kicking some doper ass - all I had to do was kick open the garage door - but I also had a little privacy after word got out about the asskicking. No neighbors to fuck with me except my pyscho neighbor on the other side and we're kinda sorta on the same wavelength, if you know what I mean.

Okay. So the other night I'm in the back yard drinking beer and chucking empty beer cans at CharlieGodammit and I hear something next door. Oooooh, in broad daylight no less. These motherfuckers are getting shameless.
So I rassle CGD into a leash and head next door. Two cars in the driveway. The door is open. A hippie looking dude is on the floor ripping out the baseboards. Oh, this is gonna be fun.
"Something I fucking help you with, asshole?" I say. He looks startled and raises his knife.
This girl pops out of the bedroom. I'm surrounded. I cut CGD loose from his leash. He immediately runs over and buries his nose in her crotch. Good boy. I'd have done the same thing.
"Hi! We're moving in! Do live nearby?" she says.
"Yeah. Next door. You bought this place?" Not even trying to call CGD off, he's having fun.
She crosses her legs. The dude with the knife (okay, paintbrush) gets up.
"Um hey. My name is Josh."
"And my name is Callie."
"Yeah. That's CharlieGodammit."
"Charlie what?" in unison.
"CharlieGodammit. You'll find out why."
"And your name is what, sir?" the hippie asked.
"Sir works for now, man" I reply.
"We've been married for only 3 months!" Callie says.
Well, whoop-ti-woo, I think. Wait for 10 or 15 years and see how you feel then.
"Sir?"
"What?"
"Please, call CharlieGodammit off..... Please?"

For Karen

My early years....

I'm sorry, but that Short Bus post the other day brought back some bad memories of my school years.
Mama's cigarette ashes in my baloney and jam sammiches....
My cousin calling me a prevert 'cause I felt him up....
Sister hiding my helmet from me....
Dad pissing in my helmet when he found it first....
Me not qualifying for the Special Olympics....

We could only wish...

http://rancornews.com/nymosque.html

Thanks for the laugh, Peter.

My day so far

Still not chewing and there are no unsolved homicides in town so far this weekend.
My appetite has kinda sorta returned to normal, I haven't had a thing to drink all day and I spent the day cleaning house and smoking a big-ass piece of meat.

Goooood boy!

My short bus

-Yolo

You too?

-Yolo

Priorities, ya know?

No more posts for a while. One of my favorite movies - Cool Hand Luke -  is coming on. I gotta make yet another beer run and boil a bunch of motherfucking eggs.
"Shakin' the bush Boss, shakin' the bush......"
"What we have heah, is a failure to communicate......"
"Goin' ninety, I ain't scarey long as I got my virgin Mary....."

Chew update, dammit.

It's been a couple of days now and I'm still tobacco free.
For the first time in my adult life I do not have a can of Copenhagen within reach, or even in my home for that matter.
It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be although it's not over yet. At this point I'm still trying to quit. I will be sucessful when I no longer think about it more than 3 times a minute.
I've managed to keep a pretty good humor, haven't been short-tempered much, and I'm not real anxious any more. The dog has come out of hiding although I think the Evil Cats have left the county.
As a matter of fact, the only real problems I'm having is a huge appetite and my hands are shaking like a motherfucker, shaking so bad that I passed a shot on a coyote at 75 yards STANDING broadside to me this morning. I could not keep my crosshairs on his chest and wasn't sure I could get a clean kill.
My appetite? Fuck, let's just say I blew my diet to hell. Let's see, today I've eaten 8 eggs (4 fried, 4 boiled), a pound of bacon, a big ol' chunk of breakfast ham, some drop biscuits with cream gravy for breakfast, some refries, rice, carne asada, 6 homemade flour tortillas, 3 avacados and a 16 ounce tub of cottage cheese for lunch, and got a large pizza on the barbecue for dinner. And I've eaten better than a pound of fresh jalapenos throughout my wanderings. Plus I've knocked back an 18 pack of Busch and have another 12 pack in the icebox.
In all fairness, I've been up since 3 AM so I could go look at coyotes (lucky motherfuckers) but still, that's a lot of motherfucking groceries there.
And did I mention that suddenly I've got a huge craving for chocolate? I don't eat chocolate or sugar. I haven't bought sugar in years and I honestly cannot remember the last time I ate chocolate but right now I'd kill for a Mars bar.

Business is booming

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof…

Thanks, Bella. This is great!

A coach named Bubba wouldn't have pulled this shit

DEARBORN, Mich. — A Michigan high school football team is holding preseason practices in the middle of the night to help its Muslim players practice both faith and football.

The predominantly Muslim squad from Dearborn says the nocturnal regimen is a way for players to eat and drink while observing the holy month of daytime fasting known as Ramadan that started last week.
The August heat also played a factor in Fordson High coach Fouad Zaban’s proposal to reverse the clock for a week of two-a-day practices.
Cutting practice wasn’t an option at football-crazy Fordson, which is coming off a one-loss season and has won four state titles and three runner-up seasons since it was established in 1928.
But nobody wanted to lessen the significance of Ramadan in the Detroit suburb widely known as the capital of Arab-America.
The moonlight practice is tailored for Adnan Restum and fellow Muslim teammates.

Thanks, Woody. I think...... I seriously thought you were fucking with me when you told me about this at work.

Blogroll

Okay, check this shit out.
I'm re-doing my blogroll. Some of you motherfuckers have been slacking and Woody has noticed. I don't want to piss Woody off. He's big, a Marine (no such thing as an ex-Marine) and knows where I live.
So here's the deal: I did my humor blogs the same way I did my political blogs - every time you post, your site moves to the top of the list. If you're at the bottom for more than a month, you're outta here.
Can't be pissing Woody off, ya know.

For Ibeam and Skip

And I'm wondering why she's wearing white

Don't get stupid

Okay, I haven't had a chew or nicotine of any sort for almost 24 hours.
Any of you motherfuckers got anything to say about that? Huh?

You don't have to cop to it. Really.

-Woody

Ahh, you're a punk through and through.

Okay, what you SHOULD'VE said, asshole, was that while they were technically legal in building their shithole, they would be well advised to respect the wishes and sensitivities of millions of Americans and build it elsewhere.


COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Despite criticism from Republicans and others, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has "no regrets" over the comments he made about the right of Muslims to build an Islamic center near the former site of the World Trade Center in New York.
Obama's latest comment was in response to a question shouted by a reporter as he was leaving a townhall-style meeting on the economy in Ohio.
The president inserted himself into the debate over the proposed Islamic center, which includes a mosque, when he said last week Muslims "have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country" and that included building the Islamic center in lower Manhattan. A day later, Obama told reporters that he wasn't endorsing the specifics of the plan.

Read more: http://www.modbee.com/2010/08/17/1297539/obama-undaunted-by-fallout-from.html#ixzz0x1K2T1Vk

Yeah. I've been married.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

Thanks, Scott.

Stimulus

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2010 Obama Stimulus Package. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish.
Hope you get yours soon.

-Longrooffan

Thanks for your consideration

Dear BP,
Thank you for being the only oil company considerate enough to apply lube before violating America.
Sincerely, The Consumer.
 
-Yolo

CharlieGodammit embarrassing me

Okay, it ain't the fact that he missed his doggie treat. I expected that. I was hoping that he'd miss it and look at me like I was fucking stupid like he usually does.

My neighborhood, dog, etc.

You know, when me and my ex bought our house in 97, I fell in love with our neighborhood. At the time it was middle-class, a place where families bought starter homes, one of the oldest neighborhoods in Modesto. It was actually a suburb of Modesto at the time it was built. But lately it seems like it's gone slightly downhill at the time. Yeah I know, I brought the neighborhood down. I ain't contesting that. It seems to happen everywhere I live.
My house and most of the houses around it were built in the 20s, evidenced by the narrow streets, HUGE lots, and the thing I love most - recessed garages and front porches.
You see, front porches bring neighbors together. Most of the houses in my area don't have air conditioning (mine does, woo-hoo!) so in the evening a lot of folks sit out on the front porch and enjoy the cool evening breezes. And when your garage ain't blocking your veiw of your neighbors' porch, you tend to be a bit friendlier.
Matter of fact, when I take CharlieGodammit for his evening walk, I get to know my neighbors. Hey, they may not know my name but they damned sure know his. And if they don't, they still know him by sight. I hear it all the time:
"Hey, there's that wolf-dog."
"That's the motherfucker that howls in the morning."
"He's a great looking dog."
"That dog licked my baby's face yesterday."
"Don't fuck with that dog's owner."
Then they come down and want to know about the dog. We meet, talk, and laugh. I've gotten more invites to dinner, for beer, and visits than I ever have. I'd like to blame it on CharlieGodammit, but I truly think it's because of the front porches. After all, they never invite that sorry motherfucker back. Good thing too, he'd probably buttfuck their dogs and eat their Evil Cats.

How many of you...

...can tell that I'm suffering from a serious nicotine fit after reading the post below?
Raise your hands now.
It's true, I haven't had a chew in a day and a half now.
Not by choice. I seem to be having a strange and sudden reaction to nicotine. Suddenly and I do mean suddenly, whenever I pop in a chew I get violent hiccups and some serious heartburn. I tried nicotine gum to calm down and had the same reaction.
Y'all may be in for some good posts over the next few days.......

I'm getting wound up

You know what? For years, motherfucking years, we've been told that we need to be sensitive to the muslims. We need to respect their beliefs. We need to be tolerant. We need to be nice.
Check this shit out. FUCK THEM and their mosque at Ground Zero. It's about motherfucking time they need to be more sensitive to us. They need to be respectful of us. They need to understand that to every red-blooded American, that is sacred fucking ground. Thousands of AMERICANS died there!
How many of you did NOT feel a chill that Tuesday morning when you saw that shit going down? How many of you stayed glued to your TVs? How many of you could not fucking believe it when the second jet hit the other tower, when the buildings collapsed?
Now these motherfuckers think it's okay for them to construct a building of worship near that site?
The only thing that even equals this is the Feds (cocksuckers!) wanted to try that fucking arab that planned the bombing within sight of the site of the buildings that he brought down. Do you seriously think it's going to make him feel remorse to be tried there? Hell NO!!!! He's gonna be sitting there looking at the skyline where the WTC used to be thinking "Yeah you bitch-ass infidels, look what I did!"
FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!!!!!!!
And Pelosi (motherfuckers, don't EVEN get me started on her) wants to open an investigation on whoever funded the opposition to the construction of the mosque. You know what? Investigate me, bitch. I oppose it and I oppose it for free.

Been there, done that.

Except for the fact that he's not wearing Wranglers, boots and a Carhartt jacket, this could be me.

FUCK YOU, PELOSI!!!! FUCK YOU TWICE!!!!!!

Speaker Nancy Pelosi is suggesting a coordinated effort is behind the opposition to a proposed mosque and community center near Ground Zero, saying the whole dispute has been "ginned up" for political purposes and she supports a probe into those opponents.
Commenting publicly for the first time on the Park 51 project, Pelosi said the issue was posing a distraction and that some organized force is behind it.
"There is no question that there is a concerted effort to make this a political issue by some," she said in remarks posted Tuesday in a video on the San Francisco Chronicle website. "And I join those who have called for looking into how is this opposition to the mosque (is) being funded."
On Wednesday, Pelosi's office clarified that the speaker is not calling for a "congressional inquiry," though she still supports looking into the funding of the mosque's opponents as well as its patrons.
"I support the statement made by the Interfaith Alliance that 'We agree with the (Anti-Defamation League) that there is a need for transparency about who is funding the effort to build this Islamic center. At the same time, we should also ask who is funding the attacks against the construction of the center,'" she said.
Pelosi first weighed in Tuesday after both President Obama and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid expressed their views on the project that has touched off a national debate about religious freedom and political correctness. Obama said Wednesday he has no regrets over his remarks that Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in the U.S. A day later, he claimed that he wasn't endorsing the specifics of the mosque plan.

Polls show that a strong majority of Americans oppose the mosque's construction site while respecting the right of Muslims to practice their religion.