Sunday, February 20, 2011

Quickies

I see my pscho neighbor pulled his 5th wheel out of his back yard for his monthly trip up to the mountains. It's a pain in the ass for me when he parks it back there, because then I have to step out of the house to take potshots with my air rifle at the light over the garage of the asshole living across the alley that plays disco music loud enough for me to hear.

I don't know what the hell I was dreaming about last night but I woke up in the middle of the night laughing my ass off when I dreamt I was pulling on a pair of socks and laughing at how much more comfortable they were when you washed the crusty jizz out of them. I mean, what the fuck?

I was doing the dishes earlier and looking out the back window when CharlieGodammit came wandering into view sniffing the ground. All of a sudden he jerks up short, starts digging, and extracts a huge fucking bone, hopefully one I gave him and not a burglar he'd killed and buried without me knowing it.
I popped the window open and hollered "Hey! At least fill the motherfucker back in, asshole!"
I got a fuck you look as he heads to the corner to gnaw the rotten meat off his bone.
Oh well, grass is overrated anyways.

I swear, the worst thing anybody ever did was teach my aunts how to use a computer. When I'm online I can always tell when one of them get online because all of a sudden I have approximately 427 forwarded messages in my inbox. It gets really bad when both of them are online at the same time because then they exchange emails then both of them start forwarding shit to me so I get everything twice. I can tell when that happens by the smoke pouring out of my laptop.

4 comments:

Tattoo Jim said...

Always remember... select all, then delete... works every time.

Niki said...

TJ,
He has been doing that to them forever.

wirecutter said...

Oh, deleting emails from the aunts. I thought you meant jizzing in my socks.
You should be more specific.

Niki said...

Your readers know you. They understood it is both.