Friday, May 27, 2011

And to think I gave up stamp collecting

Don't fuck with Mother Nature


Yolo sent in this picture from the Joplin tornado.

Remember this?

President Obama told a bipartisan group of members of Congress today that he expects the U.S. would be actively involved in any military action against Libya for "days, not weeks," after which he said the U.S. would take more of a supporting role, sources tell ABC News.
-March 18, 2011

*****

Did he deliberately lie or did he just not know what in the fuck he was talking about? Doesn't make much difference, does it?

Paybacks

One of my quirks is that I get easily embarrassed by women talking about sex - I can talk shit with the best of men, but when I hear a woman talking explicitly about sex I turn as red as Chairman Mao.
I know........
Tonight I was in the market I've shopped at for years and where the two ladies behind the deli counter have discovered this through some not-so-strategic eavesdropping on my part and when they served me my ham and cheese sandwich they started giggling and talking dirty to me trying to get me to blush.
I asked them why we couldn't have a normal fucking conversation for once instead of talking about sex and Jo asked "Isn't sex normal?"
"Not when you have it with chickens like me" was my reply. Right off the top of my head, no less.
It was their turn to turn red.

I bet Junior's prouder than Mommy and Daddy.....

Was the turd there before or did it ooze out just as the picture was snapped?
No wonder he has such a contented look on his face.....

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Mexican Navy Seal

-Yolo

God Bless John Moses Browning

-Yolo

What a fucking idiot

Arfur (from Wales) tipped me off to this and nkrey sent me the video.
Both of their comments are below the clip.



Hi Ken
Barry O'Barma managed a huge fuck up at the function tonight. He
continued with his speech whilst the national anthem was being played.
A huge fuck up!
BTW the presidents wife has a huge fing arse and I dont mean her husband!
-Arfur

He seems to have really messed this up.. first you never touch your glass until the Queen does, then he talks over their national anthem. No wonder the Queen dislikes him so much. I heard one person say " it was not his fault the band started too early." Enjoy
-nkrey

*****

What a stupid motherfucker.
He seems to fuck shit up every time he sets foot in England. Maybe they should lock his dumb ass up in the Tower of London. They'd be doing us all a favor.
I can't believe this.
But I did notice how Her Majesty set his fucking ghetto ass straight.....

Monday, May 23, 2011

Wayne "The Train" Hancock

You ain't gonna hear this outlaw shit on the radio.
This is what's on my CD player.
Fuck that Pop country bullshit.

Thunderstorms and Neon Signs


Cold Lonesome Wind


It's true, I am Sraight Up White Trash.

Sweet dreams, Mommy.

Now what, ya stupid fucker?

CAMEL TOE!!!!!!!























A great big one, too!

Hmmmmm......

Since I made my post a few months ago about the government getting software to create alias email addresses, I haven't gotten a single hit from a .us, .gov or Washington DC ISP address.
Imagine that.
Fuck Obama.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

It was a shocking experience

Well, regular readers know that I had been afraid of the assholes across the street trying to poison CharlieGodammit and I was looking for ways to break him from eating anything and everything he could catch or run down.
Some of y'all sent in some great ideas but the one I finally settled on was aversion therapy - in other words, a fucking shock collar. Or for you PETAphiles that might be reading this, a training collar.
I stopped off down at the BassPro a couple of weeks ago to see what they had and what I had was a fucking seizure. Them things ran from $99 to about $400, depending on the make, model and range. And naturally the cheaper ones had the flimsy collars and only 1 setting and besides, they were out of them. So I asked the help if there were any dogmen on staff and this young fella that came over was a world of help. He ran some hard-headed Catahoulas and knew just what I needed.
Anyways, after an hour of talking hounds and coyotes and pigs and bear, I finally broke into my grocery money and bought the $169 model and cashed in half my BassPro reward points to knock off 30 bucks which might give you folks that shop BassPro an idea of just how much fucking money I spend there.
I was going to be on beans and Top Ramen for the next week, but.......

I get the motherfucker home and put it on the charger for the required 24 hours while I read the instructions. There are 8 setting and 3 buttons on it - one button delivers a pulse that lasts 5/100 of a second, one is continuous for up to 8 seconds and the last is just a tone.
The instructions say to start at the lowest level and hit the pulse button to check for a reaction. If there isn't one, keep going up in levels until you get a hint of a reaction, and that's the setting you want to keep it at.
I started at level 1. Nothing. 2, nothing. 3,4,5,6,7, nothing. Level 8 and the motherfucker yawned at me, not quite the reaction I was looking for, you know? Maybe his hair was too thick...... so I got the clippers out and shaved it down to bare skin and put the collar back on and tried it again.
FINALLY, at level 8, his skin twitched like a horse shucking a fly.
Fuck, this ain't gonna work. Oh well, maybe if I hit him 4 or 5 times real quick, he'll get the idea.
I left the collar on him the rest of the day so he wouldn't connect it with any sensation.
The next morning I got some felony gloves (latex gloves for you regular folks) and tossed some cheese in the backyard when he was trying to get into the catbox, then started rough-housing with him. When he was good and rambunctious, I let him out and watched from an open window.
He saw that cheese and jammed it. As soon as he touched it, I hit the remote. Only my thumb didn't get off of it as quick as I thought it would. And I hit the continuous button instead of the pulse.
It knocked that motherfucker on his ass, yelping.
Holy shit, maybe I should crank it down a couple of notches.
But before I could, he was up and after the cheese, so I hammered him again with the same reaction.
Then he got pissed and started snarling and tried to attack the innocent cheese, so I hit him again.
Okay, we've all heard the expression "Getting the shit shocked out of you", right?
Literally. When I hit him the 3rd time, he popped a turd about 4 feet out of his ass. Then he turned and ran right into the back door so hard I thought he was going to come through it.
I felt bad. Real bad. So when I finally quit rolling on the floor laughing, I let him in. He ran right to his rug and laid there curled up in a little ball.
I tried offering him some cheese to calm him down but he wouldn't take it for some reason.
After his eyes uncrossed an hour or so later, I tried dragging him out back, but he wasn't going for it. For the rest of the evening when he wanted to go piss, he wanted out front.
I didn't fuck with him for a day or two, even though I put the collar on every day. I didn't want him to associate the collar with the shock, I wanted him to think it was the food doing it.
A couple of days later I tried hamburger, with the collar on 4. He got the hint. The we did bologna, sausage, steak and finally hamburger.
The last couple of times I've done it, he wouldn't go near the food, just walked wide motherfucking circles around it. He wants it, but is afraid of it.
I always put gloves on so the bait wouldn't have my scent and I never let him see me or hear me when I zapped him. He'll eat the same stuff inside if I hand it to him, but if it's outside? No fucking way. Which is exactly what I wanted.
I still put the collar on him every once in a while, but I do believe he's broke from eating shit in the yard. Last night when he was napping, I scattered several different thing around the yard and threw him (without the collar) out there for the day when I was out doing my running around and when I got home it was all still there.
And I've taken a few more measures that were suggested, like not feeding him at all in the yard, same dish, all that other good shit.
Now hopefully I can Ebay that collar next month and make some of my money back. I'm getting tired of beans.

Home Sweet Home

Mother of the Year

The tech manual "Understanding Women"




































-Jim