Monday, July 02, 2012

Well, hell......

Goddammit, here I am on vacation with nothing planned and not much being done, right? Kicking back, doing whatever the fuck I want and generally just enjoying life.

Okay, a little background on this rant. Lisa's parents stayed with us for about a month on their annual vacation, leaving about a month ago. Great houseguests and we got along fine but still, a month..... but their house was on the market and they would be back here shortly anyways. So they leave on a Wednesday and on Friday Lisa's cousin and her family showed up for a week. It wasn't as bad as it sounds because they were whole new personalities and it turns out that we all share the same political leanings. A very good visit and hope they come again.
So they left and me and Lisa looked at each other and swore no more houseguests for a few months and then we locked the doors, drew the curtains and hid out for a week.
You are officially caught up.

So anyways, Lisa's folk's house sold back in Tennessee and so for the past week or so my old lady's been busy house shopping for her mom. Today I was bored and went with her, serving as driver, photographer and evidently coffee bitch. We fired off the pictures to her folks, told them what we thought of the houses and commenced to kicking back, Lisa in the tub and me in my Camouflaged Bass Pro Easy Chair. Pretty soon I heard something from the bathroom like somebody was drowning so I finished the article I was reading real quick and when back to see what was up. Coming down the hallway I could hear she was on the phone and just as I rounded the corner I heard "......Tomorrow at 12:10. Delta. What's your flight number, Mom?"
Aw Hell no.....
"You need to go to Sacramento tomorrow to pick up my mother" is what I'm hearing as I finally force myself into the bathrooom.
"Aw Hell no..... fuck that....." and then I got The Look.

So here I am, on vacation with no motherfucking plans (and Lisa knows that), and my mother-in-law is going to be here for a couple of weeks. I've got 6 days with no place to escape to and I gotta be on my best behavior while she's here. No more dick prints on the patio sliding glass door or the hallway mirrors, can't wander in naked for my morning coffee rubbing my nuts, can't swear, can't do nothing, man.
Not only that, but she taught Lisa The Look. Every one of you married motherfuckers out there know exactly what I'm talking about. Now I'm gonna have the two of them  hammering me with The Look everytime I turn around.
I am so fucked.......

27 comments:

Oswald Bastable said...

Ya tour just got extended..

wirecutter said...

Yeah yeah, same feeling.

Erinyes said...

Or you CAN leave some dick prints all over and walk around bareass naked the first morning your MIL is there and have NO women in your life post haste...but you didn't get the idea from ME!

David the ODDMAN said...

You have lost. You cannot win. Every guy knows, "THE LOOK". Run and hide and hope that they can't track you down until the MIL leaves. Two against one... might as well go drink the koolaid right now. I feel for you.

Toejam said...

I feel your pain dude.

When we got married my wife was a perky, sexy, sweet, 5ft 4in, 99 lb, sweet talkin babe.

Now she's still 5ft 4in but weighs in at 250 lbs, sits around all day eating everything in sight, has ankles bigger than my thighs, has stopped shaving her legs and has a 8th dan black belt in "Sumo Bitching".

To make matters worse we had a daughter 17 years ago and she's been teaching the kid all her harpie tricks including ordering the left side of the menu at the local resturant.

I'm so fucked!

Deb said...

"Dick prints"? I can use my imagination as I don't think I've ever encountered "dick prints" before, but if I did, I'd be quick with The Look, too.

"Dick prints"?

JHC. And men say they don't understand women.

angrymike said...

Ain't being married grand????...... So if you disappear again should we just figure it was suicide ?????

michigan doug said...

i just dont know which direction to go here.laugh or cry. good luck.

Mulligan said...

the LOOK? x2? aww shit

The Dude said...

The true meaning of Happiness in Life, is a picture of your Mother in Law on a Milk Carton! I live 68 miles from mine for a Reason

Cheesy said...

The reason why God blessed Man with a GARAGE.

Stinkwilly said...

Now would be a dammed good time to grab your Mini 14, BOB, and CGD, and head for the hills. It's good for a mans soul to do that every once in awhile. It has a tendency to sharpen his skills as well as his mind and Mother Natures "looks"
are out of this world. Do it Kenny, you'll be glad you did.

Dean Carder said...

I offer shelter to men who have been given the "look" . Bring your own booze. My wife will undeerstand. Ithink.

Father Confessor said...

Toejam's rant is a good as they come!

I FELT your pain Toejam. I really did.

Corey said...

You need a workshop. fill it with stuff and when need alone time say "I'm goning to my shop" The beauty of a shop is you don't have to do anything you just have to convince them that you are. Just cuse and bang stuff around occasionaly and you'll get left alone.

hiswiserangel said...

Dick Prints happen when you have coffee in one hand, newspaper in the other and CGD needs to go out.

Skip said...

That is perzackly why God made reloading gear.

Deb said...

Thank you for clearing that up, Hiswiserangel, and leaving me with an image in my head that probably will lsst for days.

Goldenrod said...

You need to go shooting and to help relieve the pressure use some of these targets;

http://bastardblaster.com/

You don't have to thank me, just enjoy.

hiswiserangel said...

You're very welcome Deb, there's always a logical explanation for the odd body part print.

wirecutter said...

Dick prints go on right before company comes over so you can watch their faces when they see it and realize what it is.
What's so hard to understand about that?

Mark said...

I have found roses is a good "The Look" repellent. Yellow for the MIL Red for the Missus.

Anonymous said...

Oh man.... Dick prints??????? YOu got a a lot to learn about being married. Digging in your nuts while going for coffee? You have more to learn than I thought...

Here's what is going to happen... You are going to rip ass in the bed one too many times and she is going to grab you by the back of the head and say, "If you fart in this bed ONE more fucking time I am going to cut your balls off, you hear me?"

Thats the kind of shit you get woken up with after 5 years of marriage. 8)

Dig in your nuts while you can.

hiswiserangel said...

So it's intentional wirecutter? I just thought you were using it as an extra hand, like a prehensile tail.

steve tompkins said...

just, ha ha ha.

MissK said...

Marking Your territory no doubt.
Dick prints... as unique as fingerprints, just a little messier.

Wraith said...

I've been with my wife for 13 years, and I've never gotten 'the Look."

You get what you put up with, I guess.