Sunday, August 19, 2012

An adventure in bedmaking

Lisa's cousin had a class reunion here in town last night so she stayed the night here before traveling home this morning. She got in kinda late so I retired to my Ego Room and let the ladies visit.
I fell asleep in Pops' old chair while reading and woke up about 1 AM, then went in and kissed Lisa goodnight. When I got to the bedroom I saw that the bedding had been stripped so I found a sheet and started trying to figure that motherfucker out. It was one of those form fitting sheets, man, and the more I turned it in and around the more fucked up it got. Next thing I know it's all knotted up and shit so I take a deep breath and started to slowly untangle it, trying to lay it out on the mattress somewhat to give me an idea about where to start.
I don't know what the fucking deal is with these sheets anyways, man. Motherfuckers don't make bed making any easier - give me a regular sheet and I'll have that bed made to inspection standards, hospital corners and all in about 2.5 seconds. But this shit?
So I finally find a corner and turn it with the seam in and hook it around a corner of the mattress. Okay, that's the corner piece to the jigsaw puzzle, it's all light shit from here out.  I trace the fucking hem and find another corner and stretch it out but it's only about 4 feet long..... oh wait, I got it turned the wrong way. Dumbass. So as I'm scooting around the bed the corner that was done suddenly came undone and popped back into the pile of sheet in the middle of the bed.
Goddammit.
I start over and do the same thing again. Corner pops loose again, this time I swear to God I could hear an audible twang as it did. Cocksucker.
CharlieGodammit lowers his ears and eases out of the room, no doubt to bury his nose in Lisa's ass again. Fucking sissy.
I try it again. This time I got two corners done and just about the time I let go to grab the other corners, they pop loose. Mother fucker (mother being two words, said real slow)........ This shit is starting to piss me the fuck off now.
I grab the sheet and shake and Sweet Jesus above, it falls with all four corners exposed and in pretty much the right places. I stop breathing so as not to disturb anything and then pounce, buck ass nekkid, grabbing as many corners as I can and pulling them around the corners of the mattress and then running around to the other side and repeating the process.
Fucking A, the sheet is on! And that motherfucker is t-i-g-h-t, too. Hell yeah. Bedtime.
I grab the pillows and throw them on the bed, a light blanket for Lisa when she comes in later and my poncho liner for myself. I roll up and turn off the light before the sheet changes it's mind and was asleep in seconds.
This morning I'm drinking my coffe and Lisa comes in laughing at me. I know I should be used to her laughing at me by now but fuck, let me get through my first cup before it starts. "Did you have a hard time making the bed last night?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You got the sheet on sideways, the stripes go up and down not side to side, you damned Okie. I'm surprised the sheet stayed on the bed!"
Ahhh, no wonder the mattress was all bowed up but least I got the sheet all stretched out now. I should probably try to remember that stripes go up and down not sideways, although I'm just rolling up on the mattress next time. Fuck all that shit.

14 comments:

Brock Townsend said...

Hilarious! I hate them also. If they were meant to be made like that, the Army would have furnished them.......:)

hiswiserangel said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I'm sorry, but damn. I've been there. Too exhausted to think straight, and a couple of times too drunk for such complex thinking. Once I actually woke up wrapped in the fitted sheet like a tamale when the corners snapped off and recoiled.

Stu said...

Fuck it, throw a blanket or sheet on top the matress and sack out, no tucking them GD elastic corners, cover up with a blanket and snooozzz away, the wife wants pretty let her deal with it.

If all else fails, grab the sleeping bag and head to the camper.

Did I mention my bed always sucked in the Army, you couldn't bounce a bowling ball off that SOB, good thing I most always had off post quarters...

Deb said...

Hey, whatever works, right?

After that fitted sheet is washed and dried, try folding the sucker. Takes sheets to a whole new level of frustration.

timbo said...

For two years now, those piece of shit fitted sheets have been popping off on my corner and I wake up with the sheet scrunched up under me, and me sleeping on the bare mattress! Often I get up a couple times in the night to fix it. Boy those sure are handy pieces of shit, aren't they.

Anonymous said...

My Lord I nearly peed myself laughing at this!! ( nearly being the operative word). Oh and while we're here where's us gals eye candy wirecutter?? ;)

hiswiserangel said...

Anonymous, you'll get a lot further in your pleas if you post with at least a screen name. Come out of the shadows, stand your ground, and beg like a little bitch for eye candy. He'll still say no, heartless bastard. But at least you'll have gone down in flames honorably.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how to do that! This commenting is new but you guys are fun!! Sorry I am Internet challenged but I can learn!! I have also grown quite fond of giving wirecutter a hard time :)

wirecutter said...

Oh great. Y'all don't have anything better to do so it's all about 'hey! I've got an idea - let's go fuck with Wirecutter!'
Too funny. Ha ha.....

Lisa said...

I hate those fitted sheets. Worked in hospitals for over 20 yrs and prefer plain old sheets. I dont fold those bastards either...but, I have my good points for a wife....I love my 1911's

oh yeah...
fuck obummer

The Steel Ibeam said...

Dont ever let your significant other know that you can fold a fitted sheet. Thanks to my mom teaching me how to cook, laundry and everything else before age 12, somehow my wife found out I can fold them. So I motherfuck the laundry when those bastards come outta the dryer.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to offend

Sara said...

This was the best thing I have read all day! And I never bother folding the fitted bastards, I just roll em in to a ball.

Mr. Miracle said...

And see, this is EXACTLY why we all missed this blog so much. Not only the chance to laugh at Wirecutter instead of ourselves, but reading all the comments of all the other dumbasses like myself that have BTDT. And the comments he finds from Patriots all over are great too. Keep you head up, watch your six, and tell your Pops we are all praying for him, and your family.