Saturday, September 06, 2008

Squirrel launch

From my buddy Matt. I knew he was warped.

Pearl grips even........

Whattaya see, Joey?

45 ACP vs 84 ACP

Back a few years ago, it was a BIG thing down around Oak, Pine, & California Streets for the local crack dealers and thugs to carjack people by jumping out in front of the car as the driver was slowly cruising looking for a score. They'd jump out from behind another car with guns drawn and when the driver jammed on the brakes, they'd get jerked out of their rides, robbed, beaten or shot, then left on the side of the road. Seemed like I heard about that happening at least a couple of times a week for quite a while.
When I started hearing about that I used to drive around down there just daring some motherfucker to try that shit on me. I wasn't even going to hesitate - I was going to flop down in the cab and floorboard my truck, doing the community, the police and the world a favor by running over one or more of the assholes. I mean, if you think a 45 ACP has stopping power, how about an 84 ACP?
For the uninformed, a 45 ACP is a pistol cartridge - 45 Automatic Colt Pistol. An 84 ACP is an 84 Automatic Chevy Pickup.

Words of wisdom

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

White Trash transmission fix

Transmission Fix
Ok so your transmission is going out. Thisfix is simple if you have full coverage insurance on your vehicle. Now before I explain this, I am not in any way responsible if you try to get away (and fail) with something like this. You are doing it of your own accord.
If you have full coverage on your vehicle, take the transmission plug out of your vehicle and then drive it till the transmission blows up. Then all you have to do is say that someone vandalized your vehicle by taking the plug out and it should be covered under the vandalism clause of your insurance. This also works for motors. I know of one person who has done this and got away with it. I don't recommend doing it. Another friend of mine who ripped out first gear in his tranny tried to do this, but didn't check his insurance policy close enough before hand. It was not covered under his insurance.

I'm in love

This is just fucking wrong

Pointless family photo OR "I'm the one in black"

Union Labor

I built it!

D Company, 26th Signal (Tactical) Battalion's AB216 microwave tower with radio vans clustered around the bottom. This was taken at Kist Woods near Worms, West Germany in the winter of 1979-80.
The tower was tactical and only tall enough to poke up above the trees, 162 feet. I built and then tore down about a million of these.

Why people disappear from lakes in Oklahoma

Redneck tube top

Look at the bottom of the tube top if you haven't already figured it out. And who says men are totally worthless?

Sunset from space

The photograph attached was taken by the crew on board the Columbia during its last mission, on a cloudless day.
The picture is of Europe and Africa when the sun is setting. Half of the picture is in night. The bright dots you see are the city lights. The top part of Africa is the Sahara Desert. Note that the lights are already on in Holland, Paris, and Barcelona, and that's it's still daylight in Dublin, London, Lisbon, and Madrid. The sun is still shining on the Strait of Gibraltar. The Mediterranean Sea is already in darkness. In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean you can see the Azores Islands; below them to the right are the Madeira Islands; a bit below are the Canary Islands; and further South, close to the farthest western point of Africa, are the Cape Verde islands. Note that the Sahara is huge and can be seen clearly both during Daytime and night time To the left, on top, is Greenland, totally frozen.

A history of giving the finger

Well,'s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, theFrench, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the long bow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything

Ah, so that's what they look like!

'nuff said

Love them trashy women

Kids say the darnedest things


Drunks - more fun than the circus

Yeah, I'm cool

Why in the hell is a man his age wearing his hat like a 14 year old wannabe thug for anyways?

How to convert FPS to MPH

Just in case you're wondering how fast your bullet (or arrow) is moving in terms that damned near anybody can understand I've gone to the trouble of looking up the formula for you.
No thanks necessary, I was curious myself.

Multiply feet per second by 0.68181818.

5280 feet in a mile
3600 seconds in an hour
3600 / 5280 = 0.68181818
or 45 / 66 = 0.68181818

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Check this out

I'm lucky if I can walk a straight line.
The final stunt is amazing.

Thank you for shopping at Wallyworld

As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

Monday, September 01, 2008

My People........

Finger-lickin' good, Ma!

Keep your hands in your pockets where they belong, Dummy.

Some people may lose sleep on the job or even lose the stapler off their desk. Dane Keane loses fingers.
The 52-year-old Washington rodeo coordinator was helping to secure a bull in a bucking chute Saturday evening when his finger got caught between a rope and a metal fence pole. His left index finger ended up being amputated at the second joint.
But it wasn't his first time losing a finger on the job. In 2000, Keane lost the end of his right ring finger to a bull.
Keane, also a Douglas County commissioner, says he loves the rodeo but says it's "a little on the bad luck side" for him.

Blow it out your ass, Buddy

Watch the dog. Everytime he barks he shoots a stream of water out of his butt. Never seen anything like this before. Not sure I ever want to again, but I had to take at least one peek. It IS funny, I have to admit.

Amputation by butter knife?

A 33-year-old man who tried cutting off his arm inside a busy Denny's restaurant because he believed it would save his life was arrested Friday night, according to Modesto police.
According to Sgt. Brian Findlen, Michael Lasiter, 33, of Modesto had been injecting cocaine in a nearby motel when he thought he had injected air into his veins, which can lead to death.
Findlen said the man believed that if he cut off his arm, he could save himself from dying.
Lasiter entered the restaurant at 1525 McHenry Ave. about 10:15 p.m. and grabbed a butter knife off a customer's table and began stabbing himself in the right arm near the biceps. When that didn't work, he ran into the kitchen and got a butcher knife and started "digging the knife into his arm," Findlen said.
Police arrived almost immediately and isolated the man. A few minutes later, they used a taser to subdue him.
"He wouldn't obey a substantial number of commands and continued to stab himself," Findlen said. "There were some tense moments, but a lot of patrons didn't know what was going on."
Lasiter was arrested and taken to a Modesto hospital to treat severe cuts to his arm.
Findlen has been in law enforcement for 11 years, and said he had "never seen anything like that before."
He said the restaurant closed for the evening to clean up.

That'll teach you to piss me off

NewYork Post
Posted: 4:35 amAugust 31, 2008
The Nolita hot spot Delicatessen has a full cocktail menu, pricey food, model patrons - and nightly golden showers, thanks to one pissed-off neighbor.
The glass-roofed lounge, which opened with red carpets and loud trance music in July, has neighbors at 265 Lafayette St. up in arms over the riotous party atmosphere.
But one unidentified building resident has taken matters into his own hands, emptying his bladder on the see-through ceiling from his apartment window above.
The stream of discontent prompted another apartment dweller to post a sign in the hallway that reads:
"I know not everyone is happy with Delicatessen but, please stop urinating on the glass roof. I have to buy a new a/c because you did not aim correctly! Thank you!"
"I didn't do it," says Mickey Campbell, 45, who has lived in the building for 18 years. "But I think it's damn funny, whoever did do it."
Campbell gets woken up nightly by garbage trucks and drunken patrons. The restaurant is filled with "f---ing wankers" and "yuppies, yuppies, yuppies."
"The owners have no consideration for anyone else," he said.
More than 10 of the building's 99 apartments look directly down on the leather couches, partying patrons and cocktail-carrying waitresses. The thin layer of glass barely holds back the noise, they gripe.
The SoHo Alliance has received "numerous complaints from the moment it opened," said alliance head Sean Sweeney.
Joshua Griffler, 28, who knows Delicatessen's owners and has had to act as a mediator between them and angry residents six times in the past month, called the peeing protester "disgusting."
"We have our quiet little part of SoHo, and people want to keep it that way - but come on, that's just gross," Griffler said.
Owners Susan Leonard, Mark Amadei and Stacy Pisonne did not return calls seeking comment.
The group opened Cafeteria, a 24-hour upscale diner in Chelsea, a decade ago. It quickly became a staple "Sex and the City" shooting location.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Designated Driver

I love this picture.....

This is why it's pronounced Okla-homa instead of Oklaho-ma

My favorite tree

This is my favorite tree in the world. It's located on Indian Gap Road, south of Hornitos.


SUMMER, 1990
I had gone into west Modesto from Riverbank City of Action to score a half pound of weed from my punk-ass brother-in-law. Dave was kind of worried about me for some reason, so I promised I'd call before I left shithead's house. Well, I was in such a hurry to get the fuck out of there, I forgot to call. By the time I remembered, I was almost home.
I pulled into the corner market 2 doors down from the house and called Dave from the pay phone. "O.K., man, I'm on my way, I'll be there directly" I said.
Then I idled up real quiet and jammed into the house, almost getting shot by Dave who wasn't expecting me for at least another 30 minutes. It was well worth it though, to watch him piss all over himself.

Nothing like a morning routine

When Dave lived out at Mark's Pond, his morning ritual consisted of this:
1) wake up
2) pull on yesterday'spants
3) load his shotgun
4) open the door
5) unload the shotgun at the flock of mudhens floating just outside his trailer peacefully minding their own business
6) step out of the trailer
7) piss
8) make coffee.


Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate:

10) "What the fuck was that?"---Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"----Custer

8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that." ---Einstein

7) "It does SO fucking look like her!" -- Picasso

6) "How the fuck did you work that out?"---Pythagorus

5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" ---Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."--- Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered fucking ass!" --- Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"---JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"---Bill Clinton

Man's best friend, my ass

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

Oh Dear God!!!!!!!

These are cats, believe it or not.

Test your reaction time

This came from Karl:
The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75 seconds....... or 1 car length for every 10 mph...... Test your average reaction time. Be very careful this can be addicting. Click on the link below and good luck.
Reaction Test

Yes, they do


Okay, let's try your phone number, smartass

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my Grandpa!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,“Single Malt Scotch Whiskey and women with big tits.”

Again - whatever, man.

Presidential candidate Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related towords and their meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious democrat presidential candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
''No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
''I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.
''Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?''
Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'