Saturday, September 20, 2008

Great Friend, Great Advice

A friend told me her secret to life today:

"Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die tomorrow."

Thanks Sweetie, I'll keep that with me for the rest of my life.

Gotta be California (again)

Love them thongs

Lucky kitty

WTF? I mean really, W-T-F?????

Bad dog! Bad!

Should've just killed the dog

About 12 years ago I was renting a house from a real asshole, basically just living there until we could find a house in a decent neighborhood to buy.
This house was built maybe in the 1950s and had a back patio surrounded in lattice covered in ivy that had been growing since...... well, the 1950s by the looks of it.
Anyways, Punkindog (who was maybe 4 years old - not a puppy by any means) made it his personal mission in life to tear that lattice down one slat at a time. No matter what I did, I could not keep that hound away from it.
After we found a house and was waiting for escrow to close I started going through the property and making any any minor repairs that were needed. The biggest one by far was the lattice but it was covered in this old ivy and the easiest way was just to buy some slats, stain them so they looked weathered (like I said, the landlord was an ass and I didn't want him to know the dog ate his wood), tack them up and kinda sorta weave the ivy back through it and hope he didn't notice. So I spent an entire morning doing this.
Napping in my easy chair that afternoon, I heard a SNAP! and vaulted out of that chair to see Punkin trotting across the yard with a 6 foot slat balanced in his mouth.
I ran him down, snatched the slat away from him and whacked him across the nose with it. Then I went in and went back to la-la land. About 15 minutes later, SNAP!
Why, you sorry sonofabitch! I go through the same drill again.
After a couple more slats, I get tired of this bullshit and call my vet to see if they have something there that either smells or tastes repulsive to dogs that I can put on the lattice, something that a human wouldn't notice.
Doc tells me to get a double fist full of jalepeno peppers, puree them and mix them into a tub of melted vaseline and then smear it on the lattice with a rag. That'll cure the dog for sure.
I decide I'll go one better. Instead of jalepenos (which I eat like candy - they aren't THAT hot) I decide to use habeneros. Now for those who aren't familiar with habeneros, these little fuckers will light your ass up. I can't even eat a piece of one without my nose running like a faucet, eyes like a stream and mouth feeling like I ate a red hot spike.
So I buy 2 dozen of these and go to the patio where I puree them and stir the gunk into a vat of simmering vaseline, giggling all the while. I can't wait to see what happens when that dog bites into that shit.
Okay. I put on some gloves, grab a rag to smear the lattice with this mess and go to work. I get some of it done and start to weave the ivy back through the slats. Then I go to looking for the rag I was using. Where the hell did I put it? I look over my shoulder and what do I see? My Punkin laying behind me with that habenero soaked rag between his paws just chewing away, tail thumping, thoroughly enjoying himself.
Fuck it. He won. I lost my deposit.

For Ibeam the Mullet Hunter

Not enough ass to get the job done

Union Labor?

Good Morning


Yahoo weather says that it's supposed to be clear today with lows 57 degrees, high will be 80. I'm glad it's finally cooling off.
This beats the hell out of a low temp of 82 and a high of 107.

Here's a groaner for ya

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"

Oh, I get it. Do it to HER!!!!!!

A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Watch your 'nads, son. Mom's got a knife and she's looking for you

So much for the State of Oklahoma by 2018

Mommy and Daddy taught them well

Notice that every one of them have their fingers off the triggers?
Somebody did a good job on teaching them firearm safety.

Yeah well, considering the price of beer nowadays

Wishful thinking

Now there's 2 helicopters circling overhead.
Maybe they'll collide so I can get some sleep.

Okies, I swear

Two Okies met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History and Logic.
"What's Logic?" asked the first Okie.
The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"
"I shore do," grinned the Okie.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the Okie responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the Okie shouts "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The Okie is catching on).
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.
"You're right! Why, that's the most coolest thing I ever heard of... I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
The first Okie, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.
"Math, History, and Logic," replies the first Okie.
"What in tarnation is Logic?" asked his new friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"Nope," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

I wonder how much of a lead I need to put on him?

It's after midnight and I have a fucking Sheriff's helicopter circling my neighborhood and house shining his spotlight down. He keeps that shit up and he might find himself without a spotlight OR a ride home.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Fragrance of the week

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Okie woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She turns to the old Okie woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Okie woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over and farts.
"Pickled Pigs Feet--Buck Forty Nine a Gallon."

Sorry about your bud Heckle, Mr. Jeckle

We were leaving Mark's property one day headed into town to get some food/dope/smokes (pick one). This road we were on had some huge old oaks lining the road, forming a canopy overhead. As we were leaving I saw this magpie taunting me by jumping up and down on a branch directly over the road. Now, I can't stand a stinking magpie, especially a smartass one. So I snatched up the 22 pistol on the front seat and punched off one round out the window at the bird just before we rolled underneath it. At 35 MPH. On a dirt road. Without even looking at the fucking bird. So you can imagine the look on both of our faces when that magpie bounced off the hood of my truck dead, dead, dead.

Time to get the fuck out of Dodge

One morning we were out on Wellsford Road for one reason or another and it was just foggier than shit. What you might call a one liner. You know, 10 MPH fog.
Anyways, I ran the entire length of the road, from Parker Road south to Highway 132 making sure the road was clear. Then I went back to the beginning of the road at Parker and floorboarded the truck. Pretty soon I was doing 90-100 MPH in a blinding fog.
Suddenly, something black and white flashes by on the RIGHT side of the truck.
"Holy shit" I scream, "Did you see that fucking dairy cow back there?"
Dave looks at me, eyes wide. "That wasn't no dairy cow, man. That was a Highway Patrolman you just ran off the road."

Gotta be California (again)

Tweekers - yeah we got 'em here too

Me neither, but I like the tall one better

At least somebody's getting laid

Another ass kicking blog

You have got to check this blog out:

She's escaped again

Welcome to California - Fruit Inspection Station ahead


I'm going to be down for a bit. My computer is still doing weird things so I'm going to run a full scan to see if it's the computer, me, or what. It's going to take an hour or so.
You still might get to see the picture of the shot-up laptop yet.

A good case for Ritalin (top row)

Me too

'nuff said


Believe it or not, this is somebody's little angel.

My humble thanks

Thanks to the readers (all female) that saw my post about my timestamp problems and suggested that I go to the help page and ASK DIRECTIONS!
Hey, I'm a guy, I don't read instructions or ask directions.
But thank you. It's working fine now.
BTW, it was a site problem but they had a solution.
If you're running into the same problem delete your browsing history and cookies. Unfortunately I'm finding I have to do this before every post or I get the timestamp from the last post.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

What the hell, I can admit when I'm wrong

I'm feeling pretty mellow this morning (thanks to my good doctor and Xanax) and I got to thinking about something in response to an email I got from a friend yesterday so I'm going to share it with you.
You can't help but notice all the photos I post about Gays. Believe me when I say that while I don't agree with the lifestyle, I don't hate or even dislike them. As a matter of fact, one of the best bosses I ever worked for was openly gay. He's moved up the Corporate ladder now, but whenever he brings a tour through my workplace I always stop, give him a hug and visit for a minute along with a couple of dozen other knuckledraggers. He's a good guy.
I don't let him kiss me, though.

It's been a few months now since California legalized gay marriage and you know what? God hasn't creamed us with a giant meteor (yet), San Francisco hasn't slid into the ocean (yet), We haven't adopted the Rainbow Flag as our State Flag (yet) and I haven't seen a gay couple going at it in my front yard (yet).
As a matter of fact, my life hasn't changed one bit. Granted, I live in a fairly conservative area of California a couple of hours away from San Fransicko but to hear all the protesting earlier, I would've been expecting a major disaster or pandemic or SOMETHING.
Hey, everybody has to account for their own sins on Judgement Day. With all the rotten, evil shit I've done in my day I'm not in a position to judge anybody. That's Gods' job.

But will I continue to post the Gay pictures? You bet. I'll fuck with anybody.

P-Diddy steps in his own music

I'm not that good

No, I am not multitasking.
I don't know why every post from yesterday and today has a time stamp of 5:07 PM and Thursdays' date.
I wish they'd fix it or I figure it out, this site and it's time stamps make for great alibis.

Democratic leadership in action

Democrat leadership

Detroit, MI (1st on the poverty rate list) hasn’t elected a Republican mayor since 1961
Buffalo, NY (2nd) hasn’t elected one since 1954
Cincinnati, OH (3rd)… since 1984
Cleveland, OH (4th)… since 1989
Miami, FL (5th) has never had a Republican Mayor
St. Louis, MO (6th)…. since 1949
El Paso, TX (7th) has never had a Republican Mayor
Milwaukee, WI (8th)… since 1908
Philadelphia, PA (9th)… since 1952
Newark, NJ (10th)… since 1907

Someone once said ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’
It is the disadvantaged who habitually elect Democrats - yet are still disadvantaged.


Bass bait

They're married - can you tell?

Meth mouth

And yet, he probably has a girlfriend.

Who cares as long as I got a peek

One day we were at Lake Tahoe, driving around, just killing time. We were on the east side of the lake going past a beach when Dave hollers "Oh God, Thank You!!!!"
I look to my left, and there's this sweetie wiggling out of her pants (bathing suit underneath) on the beach. I hit my brakes for a better look, and behind me I hear BAM BAM BAM BAM!!! I still ain't rightly sure if it was me, Dave, or that cutie on the beach that caused that four car collision.

My new best friend Froggy

A woman goes into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realizes that all the usual pets (dogs, cats, etc.) are way out of her price range. A clerk comes up and asks if there's something he could help her with.
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she says.
"Well," says the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00? For a Frog?!" says the woman.
"It's a special frog," the clerk replies. "It gives blowjobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy.
The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen, so she gets up to go see what's going on. When she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "As soon as I teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"

The odds ain't good, Teach

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy, you go first."
Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."
The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Sammy your turn."
Sammy stands up and says, "My name's Sammy. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m...f-a-r-n...f-n..."
The teacher says, "Sammy, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Johnny."
Johnny stands up and says, "My name's Johnny. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you seven to four on that Sammy ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Pinky the cat

Thanks Matt. I laughed my ass off over this.

Do you know where that mouth's been, Soldier?


Shuttle launch as seen from a fighter

Wrong, wrong, wrong.


You better call 911........

.....before somebody beats your ass for wearing those fucking shorts. And what's with the different colored socks?

Ooooh, NICE eyes

It beats a bag

Tweekers - yeah, we got 'em here too

Gotta be California (again)

I can't help posting these pictures. I'm sorry, but I have SO much to work with here living in the Gay Capitol of the world. You have to admit that they are entertaining.

Redneck doorbell

Advantages of being a woman

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

Thanks, Carrie. I think.

Medical lesson of the day

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It is called the anal optic nerve. It's responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I'm not REAL stupid, ya know

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies “I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.”
The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”
And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.”
And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.”

There are some allies I don't need....

Bad ad placement

Did they really have to.........?

Now he has the world's smallest tongue

And you're grounded for life

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Vintage VD poster

Good dog

Captain hated Mormons, Moonies, and Jehovah's witnesses almost as much as I did. It was almost as if he could smell them fuckers coming up the walkway and when we answered the door together, it only took one look at my snapping, snarling 140 pound Captain to decide that they weren't all that concerned about saving my soul after all. Or maybe Cap made them start worrying about their own mortal asses.

Kids, don't try this at home

Summer 1983
Remember Wrist Rocket slingshots? I used to live across the road from a trailer park in a semi-rural area. This trailer park was full of white trash Okies. Real losers.
O.K., I went to a gun shop and bought a box of 44 caliber round ball, the kind you shoot out of muzzle loaders. That night, me and Dave are sitting around (wired up for sound) about two in the morning and I turn out all the lights and tell Dave to be patient. I'm fixing to trip him out, I tell him.
After about 20 minutes, we creep out the door and go to the backyard. I pop 4 or 5 of those balls in my mouth and put one in the pouch of the slingshot. I fire the first one as hard as I can almost straight up, but angled just slightly towards the trailer park. As soon as I fire off the first one, I reload and shoot off the rest of the ammo in my mouth as quick as I can. About 5 seconds after I fire off the last one, those half ounce balls came just crashing down amongst all those trailers and cars. It was great.
You figure those lead balls were doing in the neighborhood of 75 MPH when they hit those trailers. It made one hell of a racket and I can only imagine what was going through those tweeker's minds when all that clanging and banging started.

No wonder they built there

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

You should see his coffin

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Si, Jour Honor

Q. What do you call a Mexican in a suit?
A. The defendant

Let's play Border Patrol

Keep you eyes on the screen and your finger on the mouse.

Thanks, Karl

Tweekers - yeah, we got 'em here too

You might need a bigger crowbar, man

Down on MIchael Jackson

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?"
The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking, Michael!!"

Q. What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson.

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"

Q. What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
A. Cause there's twenty of them.

Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.

Talk about being de-flowered

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

"Knock knock" "Whos there?"

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's diseaseor AIDS."
"What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages...Tell you what... Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

How to fold a T shirt


Think first, then answer

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: Damn ....

Badass Blog

Go to and check VC's stuff if you like mine.

Maybe next time

Back online, dammit.
I was kinda sorta looking forward to shooting my laptop.


My computer just did a backflip, barrel roll and sidestep.
All emails and comments from this site got deleted. My apologies.
If I go offline for a couple of days my next post will be a photo of a laptop with a bullet hole in the screen.

Yosemite adventures

Me and Dave went to Yosemite one day in the winter of' '91. We normally didn't spend a whole lot of time in Yosemite because it was Federal property and any drug or gun (two things we were never found without) offenses were Federal Felonies, even simple marijuana or firearms possession that would be misdemeanors in any other part of the State. I mean, let's not tempt fate, right?
We had decided that we wanted to see the Sequoias in the Mariposa Grove in the southern part of the park. When we get there, there ain't a single solitary car in the parking lot. That's why you go to Yosemite in the winter.
Anyways, we go through the entire Grove, not seeing another soul. At one point, as we were heading back to the truck, I stop to look at something and I hear Dave say "I wonder how loud this fucker will sound here?" and then I hear a clack-clack as he racks the slide on his 45. I almost had a heart attack right on the spot. One road in, one road out, the ranger station between us and the road, and he wants to go bang-bang.

After we got back from the Mariposa Grove that day, we stopped off at Yosemite Village there in the valley to cop some food before we headed on out.
Man, we went into the store, but neither of us felt like paying $6.00 for a coke and a bag of chips. Besides, we were wanting something a little more substantial, so we walked around and found a snack bar. When the teen-ager behind the counter asks Dave for his order he asks her, "How do you do your chili dogs here?"
I started laughing my ass off. "They take a hot dog, slap it in a bun, and pour a can of chili over it, you dumb fuck. How did you think they did 'em?"
"No, no, what I meant was, are they pre-packed chilidogs or... oh hell, I'll just have an order of nachos," Dave said.
"Would you like to know how we do those, too, sir?" the counter girl asked, laughing harder than I was.

Gotta be California (again)

What's with the bowtie on the one guy? Is there a formal orgy at the bath house later?

I'll give you $50 for it

Wanna sell her?

A man is arrested in Oklahoma. He has a choice between two Public Defenders. One is brilliant at picking a jury, though his trial tactics are somewhat suspect. The other is superb on his feet but not so adept at picking a jury. The accused opts for the former.
The trial commences. The jury is selected and the prosecutor opens his case. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is a simple case. You will hear sworn evidence from the accused's next-door-neighbor who will tell you that he made the following observations on the day in question. Early in the morning he observed the accused emerge from his back door and enter his yard. In the yard there was a pump to which was tethered a goat. The accused approached the goat from behind and dropped his trousers. He then commenced to have sexual relations with the goat. He continued for about 3 minutes then withdrew. The goat then turned around and licked the accused's genitals."
At this point the Okie knew he had picked the right lawyer when juror number 1 turned to no. 2 and said, "A good goat'll do that."

Unfair advantage

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick onthe counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Please don't go, Daddy

Been there, done that

You know you’re stoned when:
You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.
You have the munchie food right in front of you andyou forget to eat 'em.
You light a cigarette and forget to smoke it.
You have 3 cigarettes going in the ashtray at the same time.
You trip over your dog on the way to let him back in the house.
You smoke a cigarette that's not lit.
You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.
You’re looking for your cigarette and it’s in your hand.
You’ve been waiting for 4:20 to come along when you suddenly snap out of it and realize it’s 4:33.
You spend 5 minutes at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

What about the ones on the toilet?

I stopped at a friend's shop the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, "Yeah... 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

One last time, Minnie

I wouldn't be following so close....