Friday, January 30, 2009

Economic Stimulus Payment (by Dave Barry)

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. "What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?"
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. "Where will the government get this money?"
A. From taxpayers.
Q. "So the government is giving me back my own money?"
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. "What is the purpose of this payment?"
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. "But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.



nonamedufus said...

Aren't yer major breweries owned by foreigners? And besides, the only decent beer in the US is Canadian beer, so thanks for stimulatin' our economy! (Oh wait, our domestic breweries are owned by foreigners too - what's up with that?

wirecutter said...

But we like Canada.

And while Canada does put some good beer, my favorites are from the micro breweries here on the Left Coast of the US.

Ride Fast said...

American made guns and ammo. Be patriotic, buy weapons of death!

Bunk Strutts said...

Rational discussion of dem's fiscal policy always end that way.

wirecutter said...

Ain't that the truth, Bunk.
If you can't reason with them, they'll try to outshout you or disrupt the day of people who could give a shit less by pulling a protest and blocking traffic - like that's going to further their cause.
And while I'm on a rant:

Anonymous said...

hell remmington ammo is made in mexico... springfield xds are made in croatia... yup we are screwed but i do drink american beer *lonestar* the national beer of texas the regular tase like a horse with diabeties but the light is some good stuff

kelly said...

you can't rip PETA too much, they put on the best nude protests.

Bunk Strutts said...

And here I thought you were a litarary wonder instead of a plagiarist. How 'bout giving credit to Dave Barry who wrote it in his column for the Miami Herald in April 2008?

Do that and I'll email you a beer, bro.