Sunday, December 20, 2009

Well, my day is complete

Okay, I changed my home number a month ago due to solicitors calling me up 5-6 times a night. The new number I got is almost as bad. It's not solicitors, it's creditors looking for the guy who had the number before me. But it's no big deal, they only call when I'm at work and they leave one message a day. I figure that one day they'll call when I'm home and I'll catch them and let 'em know Mr. Aaron Prasad no longer has this number.

So today I'm in the bedroom playing solitaire on the computer and my answering machine goes off. I recognize that it's the County Jail by the automated message (my brother-in-law was a professional convict) but I don't catch the name. I figure it's somebody calling to get bailed out and they must be pretty fucking desperate to be calling me. Real urgent, you know?
I play 3 or 4 more games before my curiosity gets the best of me and I wander in and listen to the message. Whattya know, it's Mr. Aaron Prasad!
Hmmmm, I wonder what he did?
I go back to my computer and pull up the County Sheriff website that I have saved to favorites (that brother-in-law thing again) and dammity damn, Mr. Aaron Prasad has a whole shitload of charges against him and not only that, he's been in the lock-up since July. So I write down the penal code charges and then pull up the California Penal Code that I have in my favorites folder (you guessed it, the brother-in-law trip again) and find that Mr. Aaron Prasad been very naughty. All the charges are related to attempted murder and elder abuse.
So I go to the Modesto Bee - give me a break, I was bored - and find out that Mr. Aaron Prasad was arrested for beating his granny and whacking her with a fucking meat cleaver! She survived (barely) and fingered him. He was still covered in her blood when they arrested him.
Well, that's fucked up.
I mean, even if you don't care for Granny, you don't whack her with a meat cleaver. That's just downright rude. You just stick her in an old folk's home if she pisses you off.
Right on cue, the phone rings again and it's Mr. Aaron Prasad. I can't resist this. It's worth the 5 or 10 bucks to twist his mind.
So I follow all the voice prompts and we're connected.
"What's up fucker? How's jailhouse life?" I'm smiling.
"Ya already said that."
"Who is this?"
"Who the fuck do you think it is?"
"What are you doing in my house?" His mind is turning fast now.
"It ain't your house anymore. Now it's mine. Why'd you whack your granny with a meat cleaver, ya little bitch?"
"Fuck you. You're a real piece of shit, you know that? Your grandma loved you, man."
Click. The line goes dead.
I hope whoever was monitoring the call was laughing as much as I was.
Sleep tight, Mr. Aaron Prasad.


Deb said...

Have I ever told you that I love you? OMG - that was a riot! Let us know if he calls back!

ibeam said...

Great story!!!

Bob said...

Love it. You just made my Christmas much brighter.

Sir Richard said...

Too bad you got cut off! You were on a roll,man. Now he's worried about somebody bangin' his ol' his house!! Great stuff!

YOLO said...

i will be proud to say
'i knew him well' at your wake lol

James said...

That is so fuckin' funny.
All kinda shit mus' be in his head right now.

Borepatch said...

Now I wave to wife fine bourbon off my monitor ...

Lula said...

Hilarious- a much deserved mind fuck!

Tattoo Jim said...

Sweet!!!! Ken you have to record this if it ever happens again!! Keep a little mini recorder near the phone... man, maybe I should change my number now... I hate getting those political calls at 10 at night... fuckers...

Dan O. said...

LMAO I'll have to remember that next time I get a call from a jail. I got one earlier this year to my cell phone from out of state somewhere and listened just long enough to hear the name of the caller to make sure it wasn't really for me.