Okay, I changed my home number a month ago due to solicitors calling me up 5-6 times a night. The new number I got is almost as bad. It's not solicitors, it's creditors looking for the guy who had the number before me. But it's no big deal, they only call when I'm at work and they leave one message a day. I figure that one day they'll call when I'm home and I'll catch them and let 'em know Mr. Aaron Prasad no longer has this number.
So today I'm in the bedroom playing solitaire on the computer and my answering machine goes off. I recognize that it's the County Jail by the automated message (my brother-in-law was a professional convict) but I don't catch the name. I figure it's somebody calling to get bailed out and they must be pretty fucking desperate to be calling me. Real urgent, you know?
I play 3 or 4 more games before my curiosity gets the best of me and I wander in and listen to the message. Whattya know, it's Mr. Aaron Prasad!
Hmmmm, I wonder what he did?
I go back to my computer and pull up the County Sheriff website that I have saved to favorites (that brother-in-law thing again) and dammity damn, Mr. Aaron Prasad has a whole shitload of charges against him and not only that, he's been in the lock-up since July. So I write down the penal code charges and then pull up the California Penal Code that I have in my favorites folder (you guessed it, the brother-in-law trip again) and find that Mr. Aaron Prasad been very naughty. All the charges are related to attempted murder and elder abuse.
So I go to the Modesto Bee - give me a break, I was bored - and find out that Mr. Aaron Prasad was arrested for beating his granny and whacking her with a fucking meat cleaver! She survived (barely) and fingered him. He was still covered in her blood when they arrested him.
Well, that's fucked up.
I mean, even if you don't care for Granny, you don't whack her with a meat cleaver. That's just downright rude. You just stick her in an old folk's home if she pisses you off.
Right on cue, the phone rings again and it's Mr. Aaron Prasad. I can't resist this. It's worth the 5 or 10 bucks to twist his mind.
So I follow all the voice prompts and we're connected.
"What's up fucker? How's jailhouse life?" I'm smiling.
"Ya already said that."
"Who is this?"
"Who the fuck do you think it is?"
"What are you doing in my house?" His mind is turning fast now.
"It ain't your house anymore. Now it's mine. Why'd you whack your granny with a meat cleaver, ya little bitch?"
"I WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS IS!!!!!"
"Fuck you. You're a real piece of shit, you know that? Your grandma loved you, man."
"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPP.........."
Click. The line goes dead.
I hope whoever was monitoring the call was laughing as much as I was.
Sleep tight, Mr. Aaron Prasad.