Sunday, February 14, 2010

Wirecutter's dating tips

I haven't had a woman living under my roof for a couple of years now. And while I do enjoy the freedom (you thought I was going to say peace and quiet, huh?), I will admit that are times that I do crave female companionship. Not full time, but a full evening or weekend would be nice. So yes, I do date occasionally. Keeping in mind of course that while I'm not looking for a full time sweetie I am aware that it may happen. And if it does it does.
Where am I going with this?
I'm fixing to give you folks some romance tips. I've got lots of experience on shit NOT to say or do.
Here goes, and not in any particular order:

1) Watch your language, guys. Ladies don't like to be told to fuck off. Period. Be nice when you talk to them. While they may cuss like a drunken sailor, they don't like it when it's directed at them. Ladies, don't tell us to fuck off either. That shit will get you left on the side of the road.

2) For some reason, women like to spill their guts on the first real date. So when she looks at you with those puppy dog eyes and says "I've been hurt before" DO NOT roll your eyes and say "Aw fuck, not another one." Think it, yes. Say it , no. The proper response is "Haven't we all?" Ladies, don't tell us this because.... haven't we all? Deal with it and move the fuck on.

3) Take a dump at the restaurant, not at her place. Common sense, guys. And when you piss at her place be sure to wash your hands because I can doubledamn guarantee you that she's gonna be checking the hand towel to see if it's damp. Ladies, wash your hands if you want. We don't care. It's not your hands we're interested in.

4) When her cat comes over and bites the blood out of you, grin and bear it. Don't kick it across the room. Ladies, you kick or push my dog for any reason whatsoever, your ass is history.

5) Tip 20%, no more no less. If you tip less, you're a cheap bastard. More, she thinks you're just trying to impress her. Ladies, men generally tip a little better especially if the waitress flirts. We know that, you know that, they know that. Deal with it. You have a problem with tipping, let us pick up the check and you leave the tip. But don't get pissed if we throw down a few extra bucks to bring up to that 20% because, well, we're men.

6) Open all doors for her. It shows you have respect. Ladies, we're not being chauvinistic if we do that. We don't open doors because you're a lady, we do it because we're gentlemen. That, and we want to get laid.

7) Be considerate with the tunes. Let her pick them. I'm pretty sure most women don't want to hear Black Sabbath or Hank Williams Sr on the first date. Maybe the second one, but not the first. Ladies, touch the stereo in my truck and I'll break your fingers. If I'm jamming with the Dead, there's a reason.

8) Don't dip. Chew gum instead. The only exception to this is when you meet under casual circumstances like a butchering party and she sees you chewing before you start dating. Ladies, don't dip. Period.

9) Weapons. This is a touchy subject. Don't let her know you're carrying a firearm. Most women freak out. If you're at your house, put it away before any cuddling. If you're at hers, leave it in the truck. It's downright rude to carry a loaded firearm into anybody's house without their explicit permission. If she happens to feel it before you get home, let her know that it's for her protection. It's a guy thing, we have to protect our womenfolk. Ladies, bring yours in, let us know it's there, and show that motherfucker off. It's a turn-on!

10) Don't talk about your ex. Fuck it, she's history. Be interested in the one you're with. Ladies, don't talk about your ex. That hatred may soon be directed at us and we know it.

11) If she wants to watch TV, let her pick the show. Suck it up, man. It ain't that big a deal if you miss Predator Quest one time. Catch it on the reruns or online. Ladies, please don't make us watch The Bachelor or American Idol. We're guys. We don't want to watch gay TV.

12) If you invite her to you house for dinner, cook her a nice dinner. Cook veggies (not vegetables) with the steak because ladies like veggies. Cauliflower and shit like that, you know? And be sure to steam them. Show her you eat healthy. Ladies, shut the fuck up about the bacon on my steak, because that's how I roll.

13) Serve wine with the meal even if you have to ask the guy at the wine shop (skip the 7-11 on this one) what kind to serve. It shows you're sophisticated. Ladies, PLEASE tell us if you prefer beer!

14) Clean and polish your boots. For some reason, women are always checking out men's feet. Nothing turns them off like mule shit or unpolished boots. Ladies, nothing turns us on like mule shit or scuffed up boots (except your guns) so this doesn't apply to you.

15) Shave. Shave right before you meet her. While the rugged look might be a turn on when she's looking at you, she don't want to feel that shit when you're being intimate. Ladies, that goes for you too. Either shave that (insert you favorite word here) the day of the date or not at all.

16) I don't know about you but pretty women intimidate the hell out of me. I have this problem even with friends, you know, platonic relationships. And please don't take me wrong. I have sevearl platonic relationships with women and I value them more you can ever know. But take a drink or two if you need to calm down a bit, just don't take it to the point to where you make an ass out of yourself. If you don't know where that point is, you're a lightweight and utterly hopeless. Ladies, feel free to drink all you want.

Well, that about wraps it up. If I experience anything else that fucks up my dating life, I'll post it then.
Hope this helps.


BillyBob said...

You should make this a weekly segment. These are words to live by.

Anonymous said...

Had a woman get fussy when I held the door once. It was later in the evening and I could tell this was not going well. I said "I didn't hold because you are a woman. I held it because of your age". Done

Tattoo Jim said...

Shave!!! I am NOT gonna shave for any woman! I've had this fucking beard longer than I've had my wife, and that's been almost 36 years... she knows it and that's the way it is. My daughter has never seen me without it and she never will...

Damn... I'm glad I will never have to date, ever again! That's just too much shit to put up with Wirecutter!!!

YOLO said...

wow, what more can any woman ask for!
right on

Woody said...

Concerning number 6. Mom trained me that way and if i didn't do she would show up and smack me. She better say thank you or she will hear a very snarky Your Welcome!

wirecutter said...

Yeah Woody, it must be a military brat thing.

Birdieguy said...

Great post!

Bella said...

I have a few questions but that will have to wait till I quit laughing. Absolutely Great Wirecutter. Fantastic!!!