Tuesday, March 30, 2010

She's got bigger balls than me

Woody reminded me that I had a hornet problem and was wanting to know how it turned out. I thought I'd share it because not only did I get called a pussy by a little 21 year old girl that doesn't weigh 100 pounds unless she's got rocks in her pockets, but I learned how to deal with hornets in the future.

I heard my psycho neighbor puttering around in his backyard and hollered at him, just to let him know that I was fixing to wreak death and destruction on that hornet's nest that evening and it might be a good idea to bring his dog in and keep the windows and door shut. His daughter Missy was back there too and asked if she could do it for me.
"Yeah, right" I said. "Knock yourself out. It'll be dark soon."
"Shit, I'll do it right now. Get me a some gas and a shovel, I'll be right there."
A couple of minutes later she came charging into my backyard with one of them super-soaker squirt guns and aimed it right at the nest. Not only was she going to squirt that hornets' nest with a squirt gun, but she was going to do it in cut-offs and a tit top.
Fuck that, I took off for the house.
"Hey, get back here, ya big pussy. You might learn something," she says.
"Oh, hell no! I can learn from inside," says the smart one in the crowd.
She took aim, gave it a healthy squirt, picked up the shovel and knocked it to the ground, then doused it with gas and lit 'er off.
"What in the fuck did you hit it with, pure DDT?" I asked, still keeping a healthy distance.
"Uh-uh. It's a 50-50 cut of dish soap and water. Once they get that shit on 'em, they can't fly. You get any more hornets' nest or vicious dogs or mean kitty cats, give me a call. I'll take care of 'em for you, Big Boy."
Yes ma'am.