Friday, July 16, 2010

Monkey Butt

Okay, check this shit out.
It was 107 today and I just got home after a 10 hour stint in the warehouse with a serious case of Monkey Butt - you know, when your ass is all red and swollen like a baboons' ass.
When you're a baby, it's called diaper rash, when you're an adult, it's Red Ass or Monkey Butt. You know the symptoms: Your ass is sweaty, it's red, it burns, and you're walking all spraddle-legged. You drive home with your zipper down hoping for some relief.
That's some fucked up shit.
But don't despair. Your ol' buddy Wirecutter has a cure.
First, take a hot shower and wash your nasty butt. Then turn off the hot water, turn around and bend over and let that cold motherfucking water run down your butt crack. That'll close the pores faster than my door when the Mormons knock.
Then rub in some diaper rash cream. Use whatever you want, but the one I use is Boudreaux's Butt Paste. I use it for 2 reasons. #1, it works wonders and #2, you gotta love the name.
Okay. I hope this helps. And can you name another blog that you can find shit like this?


Sarah said...

Swamp ass is the worst. I've been told that Anti Monkey Butt powder works well to absorb the sweat and reduce friction - a bunch of motorcyclists recommended it to me not too long ago.

FatWhiteMan said...

In South Florida growing up camping in swamps and palmetto fields we called it Crotch Rot. The anti-monkeybutt powder workson it quite well.

It also is a quick solution if you run out of case neck lube though I wouldn't recommend it as a permanent substitute.

Will said...

When I used to haul hay (the square bails) we always kept corn starch handy for the chaffin'. It costs pennies compared to all the funny named shit out there. I have used the anti monkey butt before and it works just the same.