Saturday, July 31, 2010

Scratch another one

Hey, what's the deal with babes wanting to have "full disclosure" (no shit, she actually used that term) about your personal life? I can understand honesty and trust once you've even started thinking about starting a relationship - trust and honesty are THE most important parts of a relationship - but why in the fuck does she want to know about what I was up to 25 years ago?
Like I could remember all the shit I was up to 25 years ago. Those were the drug years. Same thing with 35 years ago, same thing with 15 years ago.

Hey Sweetie, we got to know about each other during our first few dates. Our childhood, then a few delicious secrets to feel each other out.
I copped to the fact that I'm an ex-dope fiend and so did you.
I told you that there were nights and weekends that I won't be around due to my hobbies, but you were absolutely more than welcome to come if you wanted. I'd love to have a lady friend that enjoyed to fish and shoot.
I told you that I was the kind of guy that needed time to myself occasionally and I'd be more than happy to give you yours.
I told you I have no criminal record other than misdeanor possession and a DUI from over 25 years ago.
We know each others' relationship history and you know what? I don't care that you missed telling me about a one night stand or two. Why? Because I did the same thing to you.
You know my middle name although I have absolutely no idea why that was a big deal. I could really give a fuck less what yours is.
You know where I work, what I do and what my hours are. Fair enough, I asked you first.

But why in the fuck do you feel you have to know:
How old I was when I popped my cherry? Why is this important? I'm 51 now and I've been laid since.
What was her name? I mean, I've wondered that myself but how do you explain that?
How many times have I been in love? What difference does it make - I ain't in love now and there's a reason..
What's my home phone number? Okay, I admit that this is weird sounding but I have no idea what it is. I only have a home phone for the internet. I usually have the ringer off and the speaker down. I don't use the motherfucker.  You need to talk, call my cell. I'll return your call when I can.
The name of every woman I have slept with in my entire life? Are you fucking kidding me? I can give you some names (all fake) quite a few addresses only and an occasional city.
Did my father beat me? Fuck yeah he did. But not nearly enough in my opinion, even back then.
Am I the kind of guy that would give his life for somebody he loves? Not if you keep asking me stupid fucking questions.
How many times have I been arrested? What, in my entire life? And we're talking about arrests without indictments, right?
If I were to come face to face with my ex tomorrow, what would I do? Probably say "Hey, how ya been?" We'd go from there, but she'd know about you right out the gate. And yes, you would know every detail.
Why do we have to drive past every house I've lived in here in the area. What the fuck are you trying to do, establish a pattern? I've moved up.
Is that the bed you shared with your ex? I've been apart from my ex for 3 long years. Same headboard, different mattress.
What time do you leave the house in the morning and what time do you get back? Before dawn and usually before dusk in the summer.
How often do you visit your parents? It depends on how long I can get away without doing it.
How many jobs have you had? Makes no difference, I've been at this one for 19 years.
Do you have a problem spending time with my children and grandchildren? What, you have kids at and grandkids at your age? I thought you were a virgin..... Give me a fucking break. Do I have a choice if we're dating? Who know, I may even like the little bastards.
Why doesn't my dog like you? You know, I've been wondering that very same thing myself....

Bottom line is this: I don't mind giving up bullshit information to get to know each other but check this shit out:
We'll find out more and more information about each other as we progress.
But ya gotta know there's things about me that you're never gonna find out about. Some of the shit I don't want you to find out, some of the shit I don't want to think about, but most of it is shit that don't apply anymore.
And the same thing goes for you - I'm sure there are things that you don't want to expose. Hey, I'm cool with that. Fuck, I probably don't want to know.
But you know what? I don't fucking care.

17 comments:

Skip said...

Run 'Cutter, run!

wirecutter said...

....piss me off, Godammit.....

Scott McCray said...

Holy CRAP! and what Skip said, too...

MauserMedic said...

Eh, if a dog doesn't like a potential SO, that's a red flag for me (was, that is). One of the reasons my wife like me was that I was the first man her dog actually liked.

Tom said...

"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

(loud rushing sound, at least to my ears...)

"No-o-o-o-body expects the Spanish Inquisition!"


(with a tip of the hat to the Monty Python troupe!)

Sarah said...

I know that I haven't been on a date in a few years or so now and therefore am probably very rusty, but it seems to me like these things are supposed to be fun. Interrogations aren't fun, ladies, so let's, you know, not go there.

jonboy said...

trust the dog

Will said...

There's some things better off untold, especially if your only fucking,........i mean dating.

Ramon said...

You may not be old enough to remember it, but Clint Eastwood's movie "Play Misty for Me" come to mind here.

Amusing Bunni said...

Wow, is that broad a psychiatrist, or one of obummer's minions doing pre FEMA camp screenings!
Run, away, run away!

I like the quote, "Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies". She sounds like a stalker to me!

SanyoSoup said...

She sounds like a potential psycho.

Andy said...

bitches man...put out or get out....

Deb said...

No, we are not all like that! I never thought to even ask half of that crap. As long as you don't have dead bodies under your porch, the clap or have a desire to wear either of my two dresses or my neon pink bra with the palm trees on it, then you're OK. It takes time to know someone, not a friggin' 5 page questionnaire.

wirecutter said...

A neon pink bra? With palm trees? You have my email.....

Dave from Texas said...

Can I get an "Amen" from the choir?

Trust the dog...EVERY time!

Bella said...

I find that people who ask too many damn questions like this usually have something nasty that they're hiding.

Rpm2day said...

Tell her your dog can uncork a wine bottle with that tail of his. If she sticks around there may be potential there. If she can't leave soon enough, so be it.
Charlie will let you know when the right one is in the house...