Thursday, February 17, 2011

Maybe this will get me into heaven. Naw, probably not.

I've got a pretty good sized back yard with a 4 foot chain link dividing it in half for a couple of reasons: For security reasons and the front half I try to keep half-ass nice. I got some shit stored in the back like an old camper shell under the lemon tree, some scrap iron, shit like that.
This morning I was out picking a couple of lemons for cooking and I noticed the grass was trampled down around the front of the camper shell and there were some scuff marks just inside it. Hmmm, something to keep an eye on.
It's been raining like a motherfucker all night last night and all day today. I wasn't in the mood for work so I called in and had a lazy day. When I let CharlieGodammit out this afternoon he got all squirrelly, and when I went out to see what was up I noticed some movement towards the back of that camper shell. People movement, dammit.
I went back in grabbed my shorty, then went back out. "Let me see some palms, motherfucker."
I guess the shotgun convinced him that I wasn't in a mood to be fucked with. He rolled on his stomach and held his hands out. "My knife's in my bag and I mean no harm, mister. I'm just trying to dry out. Please."
Fuck. "How'd you get in the yard? And why mine? Talk."
"I was doing some yardwork for your neighbor 2 doors down a few days ago and I seen this camper through the fences. When it started storming I remembered it so I skinnied up the telephone pole and dropped into your yard. Man, the shelters are all full, my tent got cut up by the cops and I got no place to go. If you won't shoot me, I'll leave. But I'd appreciate the dry place to sleep tonight, mister."
Remind me to plant a cactus bed under that telephone pole...........
"If you let me sleep here til it clears, I'll work it off, I promise. I ain't no thief. You noticed you still got all this scrap metal?"
"Give me your ID so I can check if you're a sex offender. If you are, be gone when I come back because I'm sending a load of buckshot through that camper."
He gave it to me and I ran his name through the sex offenders' listing on line. Nothing. Fuck, I'm REALLY undecided about this. He doesn't look like a dope fiend (he has more teeth than I do), nothing is missing from my house, yard or garage and something about his actions tell me he's not kidding.
I walk back out, hand him his ID and tell him he's gonna owe me a days' labor this weekend.
As I'm walking back to my warm dry house, I look back.
"You ate lately? Your bedding dry?"
"I had a couple of your oranges earlier. Sucking on a lemon now. I haven't had meat in a couple of days now. And everything's soaked." He grinned at me. He knew he had me when I flipped the shorty over my shoulder.
I went in the garage and dug out a spare sleeping bag, a tarp, and a plastic garbage bag.
"Put your wet shit in the bag. Dinner will be in an hour. Hope you like Mexican."
"Man, I appreciate this. And I'd eat a cat turd if you warmed it up."
"Don't mention it. Any of mine or my neighbors' shit comes up missing they'll find the catfish feeding on your ass downriver in the spring. I suggest you guard it."
So I've spent the last couple of hours washing his fucking clothes and bedding, cooking a better meal than I had planned and scrounging up some extra shit I don't have any use for.
What really pissed me off was that I had already done my good deed for the week on Tuesday when I got a can of beans down from the top shelf for an old lady in the store.

41 comments:

BillyBob said...

Damn Dude, almost brought a tear to my eye. You did the right thing. I'm a fucking hard ass too and I would have done the same thing. Jesus is smiling on you right now...

Skip said...

Fucker got lucky.
Were all one paycheck away.
Good onya Cutter.

Phillip said...

You're a good man, Wirecutter. No matter how much you may want to deny it.

Anonymous said...

Hey now you did 2 good deeds for the week so you're paid in advance for next week.
By the way, you did the right thing
Good on you
Paul in Texas

wirecutter said...

Oh, fuck y'all. I just need some godammed yard work done this weekend.

Tattoo Jim said...

Somehow I'll bet you actually sleep pretty good after that...

"and they say that that old Okie's heart grew three times it's size that day..."

Deb said...

Damn. That's exactly what I used to do for the dead ex.

"...be gone when I come back.." WTF? This is an excerpt from a Louis L'Amour book, right?

You're scaring me. What did you do with the real Wirecutter?

wirecutter said...

LET IT GO, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Jesus, that's what I get for drinking all day and listening to Hank III.
Fuck this. I oughta go shotgun his ass right now and take pictures for y'all.

coal said...

been reading your shit for bout a week now, good blog

that thing you did today for buddy, you got your shit in the right place man, good on you

wirecutter said...

Okay, the only thing that saved his ass after all your touchy feely shit is he rinsed his plate.
Y'all done NOTHING to protect him. I wasn't nice, I wasn't human, I WAS DRUNK!!!!!
FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

orbitup said...

At least you stopped short of making out with him.

Kidding.

I'm sure he was one smart ass comment from getting lead implants.

rpm2day said...

Nice gesture. I make some of my best (and worst) decisions when drunk. Be careful because this weekend his entire family may show up at your front door!

drjim said...

I was gonna say something, but get the feeling you don't want praise.
Just look at it this way....you scored big on karma points.

Brian said...

WC, how much rent ya charging for that camper shell? Can we bring our own?

Bella said...

You're my Hero Ken and you're so right Skip. Only one paycheck away. Sucks. Watch yourself though. CGD might have to snack on him.

Niki said...

Awesome!!!

wirecutter said...

Okay. This post just passed the record for comments and the previous record holder was when my Punkindog died. A homeless dude beat out Punkin......
The bad part was that the only one that made half-ass sense was from Orbitup The second part, fucker.
Bella done good too.

Bella said...

CGD and Punkin would have been great buds. Both wonderful pups.

Are you watching out for that fucker in your backyard? I've got a heart as big as Texas and would do the same for a fellow but he just might like the James Arness type. ;)

Chris said...

Wirecutter,

I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks. Cool site, keep it up. I dig your dog.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you need some yard work done, I'm also sure he'll get at least one more meal and some things you have no use for too! Good for you!

wirecutter said...

Chris, thanks. CharlieGodammit rocks. I'll tell him you said so right before he nips me in the nuts tomorrow.

wirecutter said...

Anon, I get the feeling I have a yard guest for the winter as long as he minds his manners and passes the background test I'm running on his ass tomorrow at the Sheriffs' Office.

Foodstamps said...

Careful, man. I'm sure that you know, probably more than I do, about the way these folks can operate at times. back in the old neighborhood, close to the University, we had to run 'em off at gunpoint more than a few times when they tried to get in when they thought we weren't home... They shit on your property, start fires (burned down a utility shed at the Lodge last month), leave used needles lying around, etc.

Damned fine thing you did there, but don't let it bite you on the ass. Every year, back in the old neighborhood, two or three people get murdered, raped, or both by folks they take in to do odd jobs.

wirecutter said...

Thanks, Stevie. I worked with the homeless with my ex for a few years and have pretty much learned their ways.
This guy struck me as a straight shooter, but I still parked my truck down the road, CGD is inside, my lights are off and I'm keeping an eye out. We'll see. Appreciate your concern but remember who you're talking to. I don't even trust my mother - ask her.

Anonymous said...

Really, Foodstamps. Even I don't go to his house unless I call first. He scares me with half his shit.
But he's my baby boy even though he won't admit it, the sissy.
-Cleta Lane

Anonymous said...

you did a great dead. you will be rewarded with goo coyote hunt.
eb ,ga

steve tompkins said...

just like feeding a stray cat. he's gonna stay. watcha gonna name him?

MammaJude III said...

World needs more people like you. You done good.

Fuck Obama.

YOLO said...

awwwwwww, kenny, you are racking up the brownie points but good! you're a sweetie at heart, i'm glad someone who needed it, got to see that caring side of you . You done good.xx

Anonymous said...

I don't see an issue. Hire some shithead at gunpoint. Give them a roof over their head.

Promise to shoot them if they fuck up.

Now - and anyone tell me where the government programs went wrong????????

Anonymous said...

This week is random acts of kindness week. You can deny all you want but you are an old softie can't fool an old gal like me. proud of you dude. long time reader I love your dog.

Bella said...

Momma knows best. And you better listen to her Kenny.

Hi Cleta, ya made a good boy. Kisses, Bella

Will said...

That caught me totally off guard, bud. Didn't know you had it in ya. No way would i do that but it's for my familys' safety. Might be different if I were living alone.

John Smith said...

I don't know you personally, but have been reading your blog for a while. You strike me as someone who is a lot like me. It was nice to hear that when it came to this you had a heart. Gives me hope for myself. God bless you.

Steve in FL said...

Rackin' up "Karma Points"? Shit, after this act of kindness you'll be rewarded in heaven with seventy-two 18year old cheerleader venison butcher expert reloader girls who don't realise how stunningly beautiful they are. Your hearts so big it looks like you got one big titty! Keep up the good work but keep your powder dry.

Niki said...

Kenny, You always have had it in you. I remember the tarp, the times you prepared meals for the 100 bed shelter, by yourself and the sleeping bag deliveries. I am glad to see that your readers are getting to see the other side of you. Again, Awesome humor and heart!

wirecutter said...

Yup, those were my drug days. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Niki said...

The devil WILL get you for lying.

Michael said...

Mr. Wirecutter

I have never left a comment on a blog but after reading this post I decided it was time to change that.
I was once in the position of your "guest" and luckily crossed path with a similar man such as you, changed my life for the better and will never forget it. Take care.

Bushwack said...

Surprise!!! Wirecutter is a nice guy...HA!

Good man, We've done similar stuff around here, never had an issue we couldn't address.... You'll get one of those Aw shits from the man upstairs wiped off..But a word of warning. You'll need to find a platoon of homeless to help if ya want to get back to even! HA!

wirecutter said...

Thanks, Michael.
It was something that I wouldn't normally do (and probably wouldn't again) but there was something about this one guy.

Bushwhack - I know, I'm a hopelessly hellbound redneck. I'll save you a place.