Wednesday, May 04, 2011

I need some serious redneck help here, Boys.

I don't remember how much I've posted about the problems I've been having with the motherfuckers across the street, but it's been some serious shit - they party over there every weekend and late (usually after midnight) they get out in the street screaming and yelling and raising hell which pisses me the fuck off. My home is where I go to relax, not to listen to a bunch of drunks that can't handle their alcohol being assholes.
So my response usually is to go out on the porch (lights out, no target for them) hit them with my LED maglight and tell them to shut the fuck up. Their answer to that is to start screaming threats. That's when I call the cops.
Me and their landlord get along real well, as a matter of fact his wife is a Pharmacy Tech where I get my presciptions filled for my BP and Crazy Man meds, so we stay in pretty close contact and they're well aware of the problems and promised to take care of it.
Ben texted me at work today and let me know that true to his word, he served them today with an eviction notice, but also gave me a heads up that fuckhead had posted on his facebook page that I was the one responsible for them getting the boot. Typical fucking youngsters, it wasn't their fault they got a notice, it was mine.
And being typical fucking youngsters, they don't have the balls to face me, that I know. As a matter of fact, when I came in from work tonight, their place was deserted - not a car in sight and seeing as 4 adults live there, that's pretty unusual. So naturally, I checked CGD to see if he was still alive and what his attitude was before I went into my home. He seemed cool, so I went in (cautiously, as usual) and everything was okay.
Like I said, these are youngsters I'm dealing with, not men. So my main concern is that they'll try to retaliate, but not face to face - break into my home when I'm at work, ambush me in the morning when it's dark and I'm walking to my truck, do a drive-by shooting or even worse, harm CGD. They know how much I love that fucker and how much he hates them. I can deal with them trying to deal with me and take the proper precautions, but I have no way in hell to keep them from hurting or poisoning my best bud except one.
I need to train that motherfucker to not eat anything in his yard. That's hard to do, seeing as I feed him outside and on pleasant evenings when I'm drinking outside I give him all kinds of treats when he's with me.
So tonight when I came in, I laid a doggie treat on the step and when he went for it, I told him no. He was cool with that. Not happy you understand, but he dealt with it. Then I gave him a treat inside the house. A little while later I threw some cheese (which he dearly loves) on the lawn. He went for it and I told him no again. A couple of seconds later, he tried again and I kicked him in the ribs. That hurt me more than it did him, I have never struck that wolfdog before.
A few minutes later, I went into the house and watched him from a shaded window. He wanted that cheese BAD, but he left it alone. An hour later, the cheese is still out there. Every once in a while, I'll lead him to it and tell him no again.
So I guess tomorrow I'll stop by the BassPro and buy a shock collar, then start chucking meat out into the yard when he can't see me do it and shock the shit out of him when he gets close to it.
I hate to resort to that but I honestly can't think of any other way to keep him from eating something in the yard.
I figure I have up to 60 days to train him. I don't think the fucking pussies will do anything as long as they're living there and Kalifornia law gives them that long before they have to vacate.
Breaking into my house? I have insurance. Ambush me and beat the fuck out of me? I've had my ass beat before. Do a drive-by? I doubt it but it could happen - I take precautions and I'll deal with it when and if it happens.
But fuck with my guardian and best friend? I'll go the joint over that one, motherfuckers.
Does anybody have any suggestions (other than the ones I mentioned) to protect CGD?
I'll know I successful when my psycho neighbor next door starts complaining about the smell of rotting meat and will I please dump that corpse in the river or something.


MrG's said...

Do what you are doing, use the shock collar rather than kicking CGD( He might eat your leg). It startles the dog rather than hurts the dog. After a few times especially if he is intelligent, he will do the associate thing. As far as your asshole neighbors goes, you can either have a man to punk talk about consequences of action, or even better find out where they go after they leave, then fuck with them at their new place. is the last one juvenile..of course...but we guys are like that. I like the old Klingon proverb..."revenge is a dish best served cold...." and really screw them over down the road as a warning for fucking with us old people.

Bella said...

Dr. Bella wants to know if you're hearing voices too? And I noticed this post was only for Boys. Can't fret it Wirecutter, CGD will know bad stuff, honest, he will.

Bushwack said...

Protecting a dog is very tough, the first thing you need to do is give L.E a heads up about what's happening. Let them know you have concerns about it based on the issues you've had. They can and will start paying more attention to your home/AO and may get lucky during a pass.

The best way to train a dog is when it's young. NOBODY feeds your dog but you. You are doing the right thing with the shock collar. It's about all you can do. OR

You can just go on the OFFENSIVE. You can march over there all RAMBO and what not demanding some stupid motherfucker come out and dance... Sometimes crazy will get you better results than defense. just sayin.

Ted said...

I have read of putting a piece of meat on the ground next to the fence like someone threw it over the fence. Wear rubber gloves so CGD does not smell YOU on the meat.

Wire the meat to an electric fence.

Should work.

skidmark said...

For a redneck Okie you sure are stupid! All you are doing is playing TSA with CDG - teaching him not to eat stuff that you put out in the yard and making him hungry seeing snacks that he can't have. If you put stuff out when he's not looking (yeah, right! When would that be?) he'll still smell your scent on it.

What you want to do is teach him not to eat anything YOU have not given him. Stuff that does not have YOUR scent attached to it.

It's too bad you don't have and friends, or know folks who would be willing to help you out. (grin) They could throw edible stuff in the yard (don't forget yummy, stinky dead things, too) and all you would need to do would be sit in your fold-out chair with a beer and the control thingie for the shock collar, zapping CDG if he went for stuff YOU did not give him. Of course, that means you would every once in a while have to toss out a goodie along with the stuff your friends or hired help offered.

Darned stupid Okies!

stay safe.

wirecutter said...

Yeah, Skidmark. I thought about all that last night and will have friends over this weekend to do just that.

Bushwhack, the only problem with training him at an early age is that I got him as an adult. Hell, it was 6 months before he fully trusted me.
And the landlords' brother is a cop so he already knows the problems.

Thanks for the advice, guys.

Zedbob said...

An alternative to pain therapy is to add something ie ipecac that makes him puke his guts out and he won't touch this again. Of course keep your scent off anything you bait him with. I'm sure you have numerous washes and scents to cover your smell. This has been used on your favorite target (coyote) to make them averse to eating sheep, which is somewhat sad since this is what they are intended for in the first place.

Anonymous said...

Video cameras and video recorders. 24/7 multiple can buy them cheap used and with T180 tapes on slow record have 12 to 18 hours of record time...

Brian said...

WC. Just take CGD to a friends house for... a little while until the bastards get evicted. Or keep him inside the garage...that's what I'd do rather than beat him up..

sobriant74 said...

Just keep doing what you are doing. Protecting your dog is a your responsibility as his owner, but you already know that. I had kids (16-20) who used to throw broken bottles and crap at my dogs when the dogs would run to the 4ft high chain link fence and bark at them. I did two things, I taught the dogs not to rush the fence and I taught them only accept food that came from me. It could be inside or outside, but it had to come from me for it to be acceptable. Took about two weeks and then I stopped worrying about the dogs and stopped seeing broken glass in the back yard. We moved to a much nicer neighborhood about 6 years ago, and I don't have to worry about it anymore, but I still reinforce the "food comes only from me" rule.

TexasFred said...

Regarding the neighbors...

Glass bottles
Rags to stuff IN glass bottles
Cigarette lighter

Some assembly required...

sablegsd said...

Keep him inside your house in a crate when you are not home.

It is not cruel, contrary to what the peta types say.

Mulligan said...

I try to keep things simple, and since I can't train all of my dumbass 'friends' to not drop crap on the ground the Bear has been trained from birth to not vacuum stuff up. When some jerk threw poisoned milkbones over the fence at the dogsitter he was the only one that didn't end up in ER. Cuz he knows not to pick up food ever. I can put my plate on the floor and he’ll lay there sniffing the grease off of the bacon, but I know I can go get more OJ and my breakfast will be intact when I get back. Now he just looks at people with that 'you throw like a girl' look when they toss stuff on the ground.

Best thing you can do is inspect the yard before you let him out. That way you get to pick up any anti-freeze burgers, soggy tennisballs or whatever else jumps the fence before he does. Watch for dead grass (chem. spills), don’t let him lick the ground or the fence, stuff like that. Some folks will screw with the fence so he can get out and then do stuff to him off your property, so regular fence inspections are a must too. 'Dog at large' is almost as bad as 'Man with Gun' in some places.

Good luck