Sunday, May 22, 2011

It was a shocking experience

Well, regular readers know that I had been afraid of the assholes across the street trying to poison CharlieGodammit and I was looking for ways to break him from eating anything and everything he could catch or run down.
Some of y'all sent in some great ideas but the one I finally settled on was aversion therapy - in other words, a fucking shock collar. Or for you PETAphiles that might be reading this, a training collar.
I stopped off down at the BassPro a couple of weeks ago to see what they had and what I had was a fucking seizure. Them things ran from $99 to about $400, depending on the make, model and range. And naturally the cheaper ones had the flimsy collars and only 1 setting and besides, they were out of them. So I asked the help if there were any dogmen on staff and this young fella that came over was a world of help. He ran some hard-headed Catahoulas and knew just what I needed.
Anyways, after an hour of talking hounds and coyotes and pigs and bear, I finally broke into my grocery money and bought the $169 model and cashed in half my BassPro reward points to knock off 30 bucks which might give you folks that shop BassPro an idea of just how much fucking money I spend there.
I was going to be on beans and Top Ramen for the next week, but.......

I get the motherfucker home and put it on the charger for the required 24 hours while I read the instructions. There are 8 setting and 3 buttons on it - one button delivers a pulse that lasts 5/100 of a second, one is continuous for up to 8 seconds and the last is just a tone.
The instructions say to start at the lowest level and hit the pulse button to check for a reaction. If there isn't one, keep going up in levels until you get a hint of a reaction, and that's the setting you want to keep it at.
I started at level 1. Nothing. 2, nothing. 3,4,5,6,7, nothing. Level 8 and the motherfucker yawned at me, not quite the reaction I was looking for, you know? Maybe his hair was too thick...... so I got the clippers out and shaved it down to bare skin and put the collar back on and tried it again.
FINALLY, at level 8, his skin twitched like a horse shucking a fly.
Fuck, this ain't gonna work. Oh well, maybe if I hit him 4 or 5 times real quick, he'll get the idea.
I left the collar on him the rest of the day so he wouldn't connect it with any sensation.
The next morning I got some felony gloves (latex gloves for you regular folks) and tossed some cheese in the backyard when he was trying to get into the catbox, then started rough-housing with him. When he was good and rambunctious, I let him out and watched from an open window.
He saw that cheese and jammed it. As soon as he touched it, I hit the remote. Only my thumb didn't get off of it as quick as I thought it would. And I hit the continuous button instead of the pulse.
It knocked that motherfucker on his ass, yelping.
Holy shit, maybe I should crank it down a couple of notches.
But before I could, he was up and after the cheese, so I hammered him again with the same reaction.
Then he got pissed and started snarling and tried to attack the innocent cheese, so I hit him again.
Okay, we've all heard the expression "Getting the shit shocked out of you", right?
Literally. When I hit him the 3rd time, he popped a turd about 4 feet out of his ass. Then he turned and ran right into the back door so hard I thought he was going to come through it.
I felt bad. Real bad. So when I finally quit rolling on the floor laughing, I let him in. He ran right to his rug and laid there curled up in a little ball.
I tried offering him some cheese to calm him down but he wouldn't take it for some reason.
After his eyes uncrossed an hour or so later, I tried dragging him out back, but he wasn't going for it. For the rest of the evening when he wanted to go piss, he wanted out front.
I didn't fuck with him for a day or two, even though I put the collar on every day. I didn't want him to associate the collar with the shock, I wanted him to think it was the food doing it.
A couple of days later I tried hamburger, with the collar on 4. He got the hint. The we did bologna, sausage, steak and finally hamburger.
The last couple of times I've done it, he wouldn't go near the food, just walked wide motherfucking circles around it. He wants it, but is afraid of it.
I always put gloves on so the bait wouldn't have my scent and I never let him see me or hear me when I zapped him. He'll eat the same stuff inside if I hand it to him, but if it's outside? No fucking way. Which is exactly what I wanted.
I still put the collar on him every once in a while, but I do believe he's broke from eating shit in the yard. Last night when he was napping, I scattered several different thing around the yard and threw him (without the collar) out there for the day when I was out doing my running around and when I got home it was all still there.
And I've taken a few more measures that were suggested, like not feeding him at all in the yard, same dish, all that other good shit.
Now hopefully I can Ebay that collar next month and make some of my money back. I'm getting tired of beans.


drjim said...

Good boy, CGD!
Now remember to ALWAYS listen to Ken!

MrG's said...

I am glad that that worked for you.

Pete said...

Geez your a good writer Ken. Keep it up mate.

Deb said...

Now that CGD can open the fridge, you may wake up some morning with that collar around YOUR neck and him with the remote in his mouth.

Karen said...

I bet many of your readers (especially the teachers) agree when I say that we should be able to use shock collars or in education-ese...behavioral modification devices. My day would go be much better if I could just zap one of those little bastards everytime he blinked.

wirecutter said...

Thanks, Pete. Thank God for spellcheck.
Where do hail from? Australia, New Zealand, the British Isles?

wirecutter said...

Deb - I put the motherfucker (collar, not CGD) in the safe when I go to bed. I ain't real stupid, ya know.

wirecutter said...

Karen - I'm glad shock collars weren't around when I was in school.
Wanna buy one cheap? You could probably convince your students it's a new knd of bling. It also works on parents.

Pete said...

West Australia.
Fuck Gillard ;

Jack Russell said...

My missus has threatened to use one o'they collars on me every time I nip off to the Pub! LOL

Jack Russell
North Devon UK

Slobyskysa Rotchikokov said...

Well - being an animal lover and a rescuer of dogs in my younger years, I just wonder why you didn't take the simple, cheap and direct manner? You go to your neighbor with a handgun of choice, or if you prefer, a shotgun; when he comes to the door you pull him outside and press the barrel into his mouth, then calmly say,
"If anything ever happens to my dog... even if he gets hit by lightning or run over by a derailed train - I am holding you responsible, and I sear to God, I will cut parts of your body out of you that you didn't know you had. then i will kill everyone in your home, and last of all give you a gut shot. If you think I'm joking, try me."

I call it diplomacy.