Saturday, October 29, 2011

An infiltrators' view of OWS

Scooter over at Big Hairy News has infiltrated OWS and sends us back this hilarious report:

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - I am undercover this week with the Occupy Wall Street protesters, reporting from Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.
Day 5 - Thursday October 27, 2011.
7:45 AM - Woke up with a splitting headache, thanks to the drum circle retards who apparently have nothing better to do this time of morning. I managed to hit one of them from my back patio with an empty rum bottle - no small feat from this distance. His cries and profuse bleeding made the morning seem a little brighter.
8:12 AM - I was too lazy to go out for breakfast, so I joined the mutants and walking dead in the free food line. This morning they were serving "homemade stone-ground granola," and while it had the consistency and weight of pea gravel, it didn't taste bad - I had like 5 servings.
9:04 AM - Walking through a maze of sleeping bags, I met a new friend named Nancy when I accidentally stepped on her face. She had come from Connecticut with her boyfriend, who ended up getting arrested for vandalizing a statue, and severely burning a girl sitting on it. We huffed some spray paint as we headed to the park's mission control area to see what was going on.
9:12 AM - Mission control was abuzz with all kinds of counterculture activity. Besides the usual doofuses droning on about their delinquent student loans or the virtues of windmills, one pinko teacher had brought his class of little kids for indoctrination, under the guise of having them showing off their Halloween outfits. I noticed one little girl dressed as Dracula was smoking a joint.

For the rest of the story, go to Big Hairy News. Be sure to put down all food and drink, you're going to laugh your ass off and I'm not responsible for choking deaths or ruined computers.

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