Saturday, December 10, 2011

Fat Boys - from the archives*

*because I'm fucking brain dead this morning and can't come up with anything original to post until I have a couple more pots of coffee.

Okay, time for a Fat Boy post.

I feel fairly qualified to comment on the subject because I have grown up around fat boys, I have fat boys for friends, I have fat boys in my family, I work with fat boys and well, I'm a fat boy too. If that don't make me an expert on fat boys, I don't know what will.

I was always skinny until about 45 years of age, weighing in at about 165 pounds most of my adult life. After that I don't know what the fuck happened. I stand 5'10" tall (unless I'm filling out an online profile then I stand 6' tall) and weigh in at 210 pounds. I have weighed as much as 240. So I know how you feel and I know the justifications you make for your fatness. Been there, done that. But over the past couple of years I have come to the realization that I will probably never see my scales at 165 pounds again and you know what? I'm fine with it.

But you may not be so I'm going to fuck with you. I'm going to be truthful, but brutally honest. And you might even start to feel better about yourself after reading this.


First thing I'm going to do is give you a list of "don'ts". Here goes:

Don't try to explain your fatness as thyroid problems. Even if you have a thyroid condition, nobody's gonna believe you. Admit it - you're fat because you eat too much of the wrong things and drink too much goddamn beer. Yes, you may have gained weight because your metabolism slowed down but if that's the case, you damned sure didn't slow down your fucking food intake.

Don't tell people you weigh "about" x pounds. You say that and any woman, cop, or medical professional is automatically gonna add 20 pounds. If they wanna know, tell 'em. It'll serve 'em right for being a nosey fucker.

Don't describe yourself as "heavy". You ain't heavy, you ain't big, you're fat. Words don't change a fact.

Don't suck in that belly when a woman walks past. Lots of women like fat boys and lots of women like men with beer bellies. It detracts from theirs.

Don't wear stripes to make yourself look thinner. It doesn't work. If you're wearing stripes and somebody gets a look at your gut from the side, it'll look like a ski ramp. That stripes thing was thought up by some fag designer so he could sell striped clothes to fat chicks. Wear whatever the fuck you want.

Don't squat down in public unless you have something or somebody handy to haul your fat ass back up.

Don't run. Don't ever run. Period. Folks will make fun of you, you'll probably blow a knee out, you may bring on a heart attack and worse of all, you may shit your pants. Don't run.

Don't go out to eat and order just a salad. Everybody knows the first thing you're going to do as soon as you leave anyways is stop at Shoney's and eat an entire strawberry pie or wipe out a pig at the nearest barbecue joint, so go ahead and eat what you want at the restaurant.

Don't wear sweatsuits as your normal attire. The problem with this is twofold - you look even fatter and like more of a slob.

Don't wear your shirts tucked in. It accentuates your belly and the motherfucker never stays tucked in anyways.

Don't skimp on the deodorant. Us fat boys sweat more because we gotta work that much harder to haul our fat asses around. When you think you've put enough on, add more.

Okay. Now being fat ain't the end of the world. You can drive pickups in the city and nobody will think you're a hick, you can wear overalls and get away with it, you can push littler people out of the way and they won't push back, you can do all kinds of shit and get away with it because you obviously have the ass to back up your mouth.

You can eat whatever you want in public, your ol' lady loves you because you make her look small and because you weigh so much you can drink more without being legally drunk.

Don't you feel better now?


Tattoo Jim said...

You forgot one "don't"... don't blame it on your meds, current or past. Yeah, they might have sent you in that direction but if you're not on 'em now, they ain't to blame! I put on a ton of weight when I was on a med for a "little tumor at the base of the brain"... I'm not on it anymore but I've got the gut to remind me of it! I'm not gonna see 210 ever again but I can still look at a big breakfast and smile!!!! An old friend once told me "you'll never get out of this world alive"... words to live by!

Skip said...

I paid Augie Busch a lot of money for this keg under my shirt. And I wear it well.

Brian In Florida said...

Freakin Awesome, LOL, I hope you don;t mind, I borrowed and sent to a few :Fat Boys: LOL. Makes me feel better too. I am 5'11" and 220. so I am a phat bouy. But this,, again Awesome. Thanks

Brian In Florida

MSgt B said...

I'm totally stealing this shit.

I retired from the military a little over two years ago. As soon as I wasn't required to pass a physical fitness test regularly anymore, I gave up that whole running thing immediately.

Guess what I am now?

dhanna59 said...

@ MSGTB, I retired in 06. I got at least 20+ sets of BDU's, DCU's, ACU's. all medium regular/180 lbs. I'm now pushin 220+ and don't give a fuck...Eat what you want, drink what you want, die like a man! I am a disgusting honky armed to the teeth and laffin my ass off!!!

wirecutter said...

Steal away, guys.