Friday, March 23, 2012

It's getting closer

Okay. So I'm getting married next Saturday and I'm not going to lie - I'm nervous. I got weird shit running through my mind, like Miss Lisa ain't never skinned out a coyote before and she seems to have absolutely no interest in learning to reload as strange as that may seem.
I mean those are minor things in the big scheme of things and to be honest with you, I haven't shot enough coyotes lately to require 2 skinners, but still......
It would ease my jitters considerably though if she was incredibly wealthy and could buy me a few thousand acres for me to hang out in.

Let's talk about the joyous occasion.
It was originally supposed to be a small affair with me and her, Mom and Pops, and a preacher man in our house, getting married in front of the fireplace. That's it.
We're up to 52 guests so far.
Miss Lisa put it on her Facebook which is no big deal because most of her family and friends are back in Tennessee. Then Mom put it on her FB and motherfuckers started coming out of the woodwork because damned near all of her FB friends are from here. Motherfuckers that haven't seen in years are inviting themselves. "Free food at Kenny's? Hell yeah, we're going!"
I got cousins that I've successfully managed to avoid for years showing up. People that only dress in black - maybe because I only see them at funerals - are coming. Relatives I wouldn't recognize on the streets because I haven't seen them since they were like, ten are coming. Neighbors from down the block are coming. A whole shitload of motherfuckers that normally wouldn't come to my house are coming just because we're "related".
Well godammit, it ain't my fault we're related. Go someplace else.
Miss Lisa's surprised at how out of hand it got too. The difference between me and Lisa though is that she's actually working with it and planning it and delegating chores out instead of standing in the middle of the living room hollering "YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!" like I do when I hear that somebody else is coming.

I don't like crowds anyway. That's why when I want to get away I go east to the mountains instead of west to the fucking coast and cities. Now I'm going to have packed house, getting up early so I can start smoking meat 'cause you know none of them damned Okies are gonna leave until they scarf me out of house and home. Fuck, I'm gonna be finding rib bones and dope stashes around my yard for months to come.

Yeah, so I'm stressing big time. I'm headed over to Mom's later today to grab a handful of Xanax, I have a feeling I'm gonna be eating those motherfuckers like peanuts until this is done and over. Protecting the General Public, you know? Fucking road rage incident - I can see the story in the paper now, relatives commenting "We just can't understand why he drove his truck through that funeral and mowed everybody down. Why, he was supposed to get married next weekend..."  People at work "We knew he was a crazy motherfucker, but damn, homes..."  and even Al Sharpton getting into the act - "He probably thought there was a black child in the crowd..."

And last but not least I cannot figure out is how to work a "Fuck You Obama" into the ceremony without offending any old folks watching.
Hell, feed me enough Xanax before the ceremony and I might stand up and holler it my ownself.

27 comments:

rpm2day said...

"And last but not least I cannot figure out is how to work a "Fuck You Obama" into the ceremony without offending any old folks watching."
You just did!

Remember to say "I do" and all will be well.
Best of luck to you both-30yrs and counting here.

Father Confessor said...

LOL. Congrats Dude

Goldenrod said...

Just show a large photo of the POS in question and most likely everyone will yell Fuck You, in unison.

Craig Cavanaugh said...

My condolences on your marriage : ) Fuck Obama.

Anonymous said...

Way to go. Best wishes to both.

Tattoo Jim said...

At least they're family, Kenny... you can bet your ass that NO ONE from the White House will be there, so there is an upside to all this... plus, it will be over after a few hours and then you can say "fuck 'em all" and get on with be a married guy again... 37+ years talking here Kenny... CANGRATS TO YOU AND MISS LISA!!!!! Sic them Okies, CGD!!!!

angrymike said...

Now I'm understanding thee massive headache the other day, well get some of Lisa's pain killers and you won't even remember any of it.

Brock Townsend said...

I second Craig's comments, but I've made the mistake three times, so don't feel bad.:)

Rich T said...

Hell, tell everyone you are registered at Midway USA or Brownells. If they gonna inconvenience you, you might as well get something good out of it.

Good luck.

Deb said...

Geeze, Ken, I thought I told you my dad's advice to me: Elope and marry an orphan.

I hope CGD has a big part in the ceremony. Oh, and of course we will be seeing photos, correct? Those of us not of the 52 and counting guests want proof.

Skip said...

Congrats Bro.
I could drive up and work perimeter for ya, but I figger CGD and all the Okies packin' got that covered.
To you and Lisa from Elle and I, fuck Obama.

Stinkwilly said...

Well, there goes another good mountain man down the path of matrimony. I wish lots of good thing are in store for you and your bride Ken. When you take off in the car after the wedding, you could have a "FUCK OBAMA" bumper sticker pasted on the back.....

Swamprat said...

Great Post Ken,
Congrats man!! I read that post, and thought...."This is my fucking clone" living in Kalifornification!

Beer and "z". You'll be fine. Just don't do nothin stupid to Piss off Miss Lisa on HER Day man.

I hear ya, but you KNOW you'll have a Great Time!! Lock up CGD!!!

drjim said...

Congrats, Ken and Lisa!
Same thing happened when Dorothy and I got married.
Started small, with maybe 20 or so people, and we wound up with over 100.
You'll do fine.

Craig said...

Congrats and good luck, Ken. If you want to avoid the crowds just do what the old lady and I did: Go to Vegas at the last minute.

BrokenDownProgrammer said...

This is a message to you, not intended as a public comment, although I don't care whether you post it.

First, my congratulations.

Now, a couple of things have occurred to me and I'm not the best judge of whether they combine to make legitimate concerns or simply represent an unwarranted cynicism.

First, you have made no friends among the Feds, at least on your blog. This may be true among state authorities too, I dunno.

Second, it's gonna be rowdy there on your wedding day. If it gets rowdy enough for someone on the block to call the police, there's no telling what company, Federal or state, they'll have with them.

So . . . if you have anything in the house that you shouldn't have, including anything that should be licensed but isn't, take it somewhere else. Don't put it in the truck, don't hide it, whatever. They'll find it if they want to. Take it to your parents' house or something.

Second, I assume you're taking some kind of precaution regarding Charlie and all those people who are strangers to him. But be *certain* that he is restrained if the law shows up. Don't give anyone an excuse to shoot him.

Best,

Ken
kghayesjr@aol.com

Erinyes said...

Congrats, man!

MSgt B said...

Amy and I tried to elope while I was on leave between assignments. We got caught by the family and ended up having the whole fucking shebang with 20-30 family members around.

It'll pass.

Still need your address so I can send something. I promise I won't show up for the ceremony.

Anonymous said...

Dont do it.

Johan Galt said...

52 people equals twenty cans of Vienna sausage and ten boxes of ritz crackers.

GreyLocke said...

Congrats to you and the soon to be Missus. Hopefully you won't have an aneurysm before all is said and done.

PISSED said...

Best Wishes to you Kenny!!!!

Anonymous said...

a man is incomplete til he is married , then he is finished...
;-P***

Corey said...

Make the guest bring you ammo as wedding gifts. Worse comes to worse sic the dog on em

Duke C said...

Elope to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator. No relatives to hassle you and the gifts can come UPS. In the looong run all married people are unhappy, even the gay ones.

Richard Koch said...

Ken, I am shocked- love is truly blind! Love ya like a brother. Truly wish you well as my third one is spinning down the tubes fast.

Oh, almost forgot- FUCK Obummer!!!!

Uriah said...

Contrats, man. I'm biting the bullet sometime soon too.. unless that changes, who knows?