Okay. So I'm getting married next Saturday and I'm not going to lie - I'm nervous. I got weird shit running through my mind, like Miss Lisa ain't never skinned out a coyote before and she seems to have absolutely no interest in learning to reload as strange as that may seem.
I mean those are minor things in the big scheme of things and to be honest with you, I haven't shot enough coyotes lately to require 2 skinners, but still......
It would ease my jitters considerably though if she was incredibly wealthy and could buy me a few thousand acres for me to hang out in.
Let's talk about the joyous occasion.
It was originally supposed to be a small affair with me and her, Mom and Pops, and a preacher man in our house, getting married in front of the fireplace. That's it.
We're up to 52 guests so far.
Miss Lisa put it on her Facebook which is no big deal because most of her family and friends are back in Tennessee. Then Mom put it on her FB and motherfuckers started coming out of the woodwork because damned near all of her FB friends are from here. Motherfuckers that haven't seen in years are inviting themselves. "Free food at Kenny's? Hell yeah, we're going!"
I got cousins that I've successfully managed to avoid for years showing up. People that only dress in black - maybe because I only see them at funerals - are coming. Relatives I wouldn't recognize on the streets because I haven't seen them since they were like, ten are coming. Neighbors from down the block are coming. A whole shitload of motherfuckers that normally wouldn't come to my house are coming just because we're "related".
Well godammit, it ain't my fault we're related. Go someplace else.
Miss Lisa's surprised at how out of hand it got too. The difference between me and Lisa though is that she's actually working with it and planning it and delegating chores out instead of standing in the middle of the living room hollering "YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!" like I do when I hear that somebody else is coming.
I don't like crowds anyway. That's why when I want to get away I go east to the mountains instead of west to the fucking coast and cities. Now I'm going to have packed house, getting up early so I can start smoking meat 'cause you know none of them damned Okies are gonna leave until they scarf me out of house and home. Fuck, I'm gonna be finding rib bones and dope stashes around my yard for months to come.
Yeah, so I'm stressing big time. I'm headed over to Mom's later today to grab a handful of Xanax, I have a feeling I'm gonna be eating those motherfuckers like peanuts until this is done and over. Protecting the General Public, you know? Fucking road rage incident - I can see the story in the paper now, relatives commenting "We just can't understand why he drove his truck through that funeral and mowed everybody down. Why, he was supposed to get married next weekend..." People at work "We knew he was a crazy motherfucker, but damn, homes..." and even Al Sharpton getting into the act - "He probably thought there was a black child in the crowd..."
And last but not least I cannot figure out is how to work a "Fuck You Obama" into the ceremony without offending any old folks watching.
Hell, feed me enough Xanax before the ceremony and I might stand up and holler it my ownself.