Thursday, March 01, 2012

I've been checked on, Lisa

My phone rings. The screen shows it my loving mother and seeing as she's doing my taxes this year, I better take that call. Besides, Lisa's been asking if she'd called yet.
"Hello My Eldest And Most Beloved Son. This is your mother. I was instructed by Miss Lisa to call and check on you. Please answer the following questions: Are you injured?"
Ah, that's why Lisa's been asking if she called.
"Nope" after a quick check just to be sure.
"Are you gunshot?"
"No, not so far today." And hopefully not for the rest of the day.
"Are you eating?"
"Twice a day."
"Where's your dog?"
"At my feet, asleep."
"Consider yourself checked. You're fine. Good night, Son. I love you." Click.
Love you too, Mom.

I did call her back a minute later just to visit but she was getting ready to go save the somebody from something and said she'd call tomorrow.
Okay, you've heard quite a bit about Pops, Mom, not so much. Let me explain Mom to you.
72 years old and has more energy than a 5 year old. She's one of those people that can jump right into the middle of in any crisis and not only take control but solve the problem. She thrives on that shit.
Somebody dying and the family needs help with the arrangements? No sweat, Mom's buried a shitload of people. Going through a divorce/family law matter? Call Mom, she knows the perfect lawyer. Got a cut-off notice and can't take the day off to pay it? Mom will drop it for you. Need help painting? She's there with tarps, brushes and her Senior Citizens discount for paint. Somebody killed in a car accident? Call Mom - she'll call the family, handle the cops, make the coffee and even go down to identify the corpse for you, picking up a bucket of fried chicken and slaw on the way home.
Fuck, when I was going through my divorce she made about half the appearances for me and even went to a couple of my attorney appointments for me. It got to the point to where she was referring to my attorney as "our" attorney. Whoa, Mom. You start paying for my attorney, you can call her 'ours'. Until then, she's mine. Yeah, I think Mom was actually disappointed when me and The Evil One finally settled and she couldn't go to court no more.
But then my Grandpa Bud caught that cancer that's been going around (as he put it) and gave Mom something else to do for a year or so as her and Aunt Sharon ran 12 hour shifts taking care of Bud until he finally up and died on us after years of threatening to do so.
Then n-o-t-h-i-n-g bad happened for a few months and Mom damned near drove Pops mad trying to create a crisis. Thankfully Pops was rescued when my Uncle had a heart attack and lingered in a coma for a couple of weeks before succumbing to a lifestyle of burgers, fries and milkshakes. I was considering getting jailed just to get Mom off Pops' ass when Gary fucking locked up while eating a six pack of tacos. The timing couldn't have been better as far as Pops was concerned.
That kept Mom going for about a month - sitting at the hospital for almost 2 solid weeks, then making arrangements, then the funeral itself (thank God it was a cremation, Gary was huge. You couldn't pay me to be a pall bearer) and then helping the rest of the family to make their mourning easier, like babysitting and cooking, shit like that. In the background but making a huge difference.

Mom and Pops and me on their 50th Anniversary 

She's raised 3 hell raisers, mostly alone while Pops was hunting and fishing all around the world on Uncle Sam's dime while running the occasional combat patrol. After my sister died back in 97, she took on her 3 kids and raised them too, finally getting rid of the last of them when the youngest reports to Basic Training in April.
Not to mention putting up with Pops' bullshit for the past 53 years......


drjim said...

She sounds like one HELL of a good lady!

steiner said...

Why we fight.

Craig said...

You are a blessed man. Mine has been gone for 20 years and I still miss her strength. Good luck in your coming nuptuals.

PISSED said...

Your Mom sounds like a hot shit!!

We need more Mom's like that :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah...Moms are like energizer bunnies, they just keep on going and going. Til they drop. oh well,cool shirt. you must have a bit of texan in you somewhere .

Anonymous said...

Man, that was fun to read. I heard it all. Pops is a mensch and Mom (pretty!) makes all around her lucky (as long as the shi-it is still flying).

It may sound backward, but you've arranged for your folks to turn out real well. A big thumbs up to all of you.


wirecutter said...

Anon - Texan by heritage, Kalifornian by birth.

LC LtC - They did turn out pretty well, didn't they?

Worker said...

Nice story but I hope your taste in shirts (style) has improved. Just saying .........

dhanna59 said...

Kenny, was that pic took when they came to get you out of the pen?...jus wonderin...

Anonymous said...

Where in the hell, did you get that shirt? Damn.

rpm2day said...

Nice post. The Mom is the center of the universe.
Perfect Dad, lookin' pissed at something, as usual!

Anonymous said...

I can tell you really love your mom,but do ya have to wear her shirts to? Man that's twisted right there.

wirecutter said...

Leave my $0.50 yard sale shirt the fuck alone.
It has black pearl snaps on it and I love it very much.