Saturday, June 23, 2012

Well he WAS a good dog.....

Well, I’ve lost CharlieGodammit. No, the motherfucker’s still alive but he’s got his nose so far up Lisa’s ass that I might as well start looking for another wolf dog.

When I first got him, he was a real dog with a Fuck You attitude and we really butted heads but after about 6 months we settled into each other’s routines and came to an understanding about property rights - the ground I was occupying at that moment was mine, everything else was his. I did not go through any gates unless that dog was looking at and recognizing me and I made sure I was talking when I went through any door when he was in the house. My security door at the other house was permanently bowed out from him trying to attack anybody turning up my sidewalk, even my mother. I have friends that refuse to come over anymore because of him. He’s done time in the county lockup for biting a would-be burglar to the tune of 48 stitches. But he was fiercely loyal to me. We were a team.

The Lisa started coming around.

Now I’ve always known he was a woman’s dog at one time. He loves most women and all kids, but hates men. When I used to take him to the dog park he’d run right up to a group of women and get some lovin’ but if a man tried to pet him, he’d hike his leg and throw a squirt his way and just trot off.

No matter how well he knew anybody, he’d always attack when they turned up the walkway, but the second time Lisa came over that suckass started switching his tail back and forth, ears were down and I swear to God he was grinning.

Well, okay. That made it easier on me not having to break up with Lisa because Charlie and her didn’t get along, so I kinda sorta encouraged it - besides, we hadn’t slept together yet so I was still being all nice and considerate and shit. But she had never had a dog before so I showed her his commands and what he was expected to do for his doggy treats and rawhide bones and cow legs, let her get a kick out of making that beast mind her, you know, the same feeling you got when you rode a horse the first time and it did what you wanted it to do.
Well fuck, I created a monster - two of them in fact. She had that motherfucker up and down all day long, making him do this and that for doggy treats. She was smiling and laughing, he was burping and farting. He would’ve put on 20 pounds if she hadn’t been making him work so hard for them.

A box of doggy treats used to last me about 2 weeks because I just didn’t ask too much of the damned dog, just keep an eye on the property, shit in the far corner and don’t bite me. For that he got a couple of treats in the evening and maybe a nut-rubbin if he was laying close and I didn’t have to get up.

All I ever made him do for a treat was sit and that was just to keep him from knocking me over and taking it. Even then he’d think about it for a minute and if nobody was watching, then he’d sit.
But with Lisa? It’s play time. He runs in circles, lays his chest down with his ass in the air, barks, and generally embarrasses the fuck out of me and that’s when she’s just headed for the jar. Once she has it in her hand, the show starts. She makes him ‘talk’ first. Not barking but howling, then she makes him sit and when he sits he doesn’t take his sweet ass time like he does for me, he fires his ass down so hard he bounces. Then she makes him get back up, then down. When he goes down he doesn’t lay down or drop, he throws himself on the ground. After about 5 minutes of the Dog & Pony(less) Show, he gets his treat which he wolfs down in about .2 seconds. Then they do it agian.

What a fucking suckass. He actually enjoys being Lisa’s bitch.

So now he’s her fucking shadow. He’s outside at her feet at this very moment. When I get up at 4 AM he gets up with me, eats, goes outside to shit right outside the doors of the Bronco, and then comes back in and whines outside the bedroom door because his mama’s in there.

He used to greet me when I came in from work, now all he does is lift his leg like he expects me to rub his no-nads or something. Sorry motherfucker won’t even get up.

The other night we came in and sat down with CGD still outside, looking all abandoned on the other side of the glass door. After a few minutes of Lisa fucking with him and tormenting him, I got irritated at her teasing him and let him in. What did he do? Ran straight to Lisa. Fucking asshole…..

When she gets up, he gets up. When I get up he just spreads out hoping to trip me so he’ll have an excuse to bite me. The other day she was on the couch and he trotted up and started talking to her and wouldn‘t shut up or go away. “Pushy motherfucker, ain’t he?” I observed.
“Oh, he can be. Downright demanding at times.” She started to get up.
“Naw, I’ll get him a DT, I need some more tea anyways” I said.
“That’s not his doggy treat tone, he wants a rawhide bone when he talks like that.” she comes back.
Oh really? They communicate now? Evidently so because Charlie spit out his DT and sat down in front of the bone box.
I’ve lost him.