Monday, September 17, 2012

Me and DMV survived each other

After coffee and the news this morning I climbed into the truck and headed down to Turlock to the DMV there where I had an appointment. I go south to Turlock because it's a smaller office, less crowded and they have a rule there that they have to use common sense. Modesto DMV is a fucking madhouse, to the point that when I lived a couple of blocks from it I would still drive the 30 miles to Turlock and be home quicker than if I had gone to the Modesto office.
I had a 10:20 appointment and showed up at 9:55 because I'm anal about being on time and was called to the window at 10:00, 20 minutes before my scheduled appointment. I filled out some paperwork and asked the DMV babe behind the counter "Am I gonna have to take a written test? Because if I do I want it in Inuit as is my Right according to state law." I smiled and drawled "On account of that being my native tongue and all."
"You're too white, too thin and you don't smell like seal meat. No written test for you, Namu. Window 11 for your vision test and license fee, then window 14 for your thumb print and picture have a nice day."
Damn.
Window 11. I left my glasses out in the truck. Fuck it. I do the test and pass it without my glasses. "It says here that you must wear corrective lenses when you drive. Have you had corrective surgery since you were issued this license?" the DMV dude asks.
"Yeah, a few years ago." Surgery my ass, the reason I couldn't pass the vision test without my glasses last time was because I was so fucking stoned I couldn't see the eye chart much less line 3 without my glasses. As I recall, I also vomited in a trash can because I was so loaded. Good times, man.....
Window 14. Pitcher time. I looked in the little mirror to make sure I looked like I would when I get pulled over, checked for hanging boogers, scowled at the camera, farted, and was fucking done. My ass never hit a chair, in and out and only 31 bucks light. I should've done this months ago.

12 comments:

hiswiserangel said...

Somewhat anticlimatic, I was hoping for a drivng test. Taking corners on two-wheels, going airborne for part of it, screaming, crying, bargaining with God, and that was just the parallel parking test. Glad you're legal again.

wirecutter said...

I know, I was prepared for a driving test, too. A couple of rounds of loose ammo in the coin/bullet/diaphragm tray, Hank III on the stereo, and a good dusting of California topsoil on the passenger seat.
And that was gonna be before the driving part of the test.

hiswiserangel said...

My brother took his driving test with a blow-up sex doll handcuffed to the backseat door. Went over real well in Podunk, TX.

Anonymous said...

Is the DMV babe gonna be on MILFy Mondays next week? She sounded like a real hoot. LMAO, Namu!
Or did you just make all that shit up? Still funny as hell.
Terry

Deb said...

You can make an appt at the DMV? Really? I thought when she asked you if you had corrective surgery you were going to say you had a tummy tuck and an ass lift. The fart was priceless ('cause I wasn't downwind).

In Maine we have to show up, take a number, wait until Elmer The DMV Meister calls it, go to his window, present a birth certificate or passport to prove US citizenship and a utility bill to prove Maine residency. Elmer then tells you about his weekend, how the missus made a mean chicken pie even though she seldom cooks because her oxygen tank gets in the way. He takes your money, directs you to the next window where Willa tries to keep her teeth in while telling you to open your eyes wide for your photo. you are then issued a new license with a picture of a lobster boat passing an island and three seagulls following the boat. Really.

wirecutter said...

Deb, you have GOT to go back to blogging. Please??

drjim said...

Namu??

HAH! I haven't run in to a decent human at the DMV down here in SoCal YET!

I gotta get my Jeep smogged this year, and now I can't find the freakin paperwork that came in the mail the other day....

Craig said...

I know what you mean about finding a decent BMV. I go about 25 miles to one instead of the three that are closer because: number 1 is crowded and resembles the refugee office at the U.N. with English as a second language. I keep expecting to look next to me and see some Guat with a chicken on his lap. Number 2 is run by a team of bubble-heads that take themselves way too seriously yet you always have to double check their work. I damn near lost my motorcycle endorsement there because they "forgot" to put it on. The third closest one is run by functioning retards so you can expect to spend about three hours there even if there are only a handful of people in there. The one I travel to is milf heavy and they at least pretend to remember you and work with you instead of trying to not get shit done.

Baek In-je said...

Last time I was at the DMV in California, I took a number, waited for three hours, and finally when I was called up to the window, the woman looked at my paperwork and said "Senior, you are in the INS office. The DMV is next door."

Anonymous said...

Man that sucks! You have to give up a thumb print for a DL? That means you could be matched. Tell ya Cali is a nice state but I could not put up with that whacko state government. I get down Turlock way a few times a year. Got a friend in Snelling. AE

Mark12A said...

Here in Alabama, I had to take a vision test in a little machine. They apparently tested my close-up vision because I had to put on my reading glasses to see the little shit in the box. Of course, that gave me a "Corrective Lenses" requirement. But I can't see anything more than a foot away when I have them on. I'm caught in DMV hell.

drjim said...

The only thing "nice" about Kaliforniastan these days is the weather.
Johnny Carson used to say that California is the perfect example of when you have sunshine all year long you could grow a lot of fruits and nuts!
And now the fruits and nuts are running the place!