Fuck man, I just got back from the eye doctor for my appointment. He walks in and says "Ken. Good to see you again, I think." I smiled and nodded - I get that 'I think' shit a lot. "You've been my patient for 16 years now and I've only seen you 5 times. That means you've skipped 11 appointments. Why's that?"
"Um, maybe because I don't fucking like you?" Hey you don't wanna know, don't ask.
"Then why don't you go somewhere else?" he asks.
"Because I don't like you less than I don't like everybody else, I guess." Yeah, I know that didn't make any sense but Doc Gallagher figured it out.
"And why don't you like me?"
"Because in the 16 years I've been seeing you, I've gotten old and gray and you haven't changed a bit. Why's that?"
"Because you obviously need glasses, dumbass." Fucking guy's quick on his feet, huh?
Formalities and insults out of the way, we got on with my exam. I knew my vision hadn't changed that much but my glasses frames were starting to get a little fucked up and that's the real reason I was there. After we were done I went out to pick my lenses and frames. I wanted tinted lenses transitioning to fucking welding goggles in the sun, scratchcoating, and plain ol' black plastic frames. The tech added it all up and told me that my grand total was $308...... I started having chest pains right about then...... but then she said with my insurance the total cost was going to be my co-pay - 25 bucks.
So next week I'm going to be sporting some fancy new glasses - exactly like mine now. But hey, for 25 bucks? You can't beat that shit with a stick.
Then I get home and Lisa's on the phone (on speaker) with her son who is about to take his very first airplane ride to come stay with us.
I walk in and hear him talking about how damned nervous he is about flying for the first time so I went about trying to put the young man at ease.
"Hey Art, quit tripping, man. The most dangerous part is taking off and landing. If you get into the air all right, you only have to worry about the crash landing. And I'm pretty sure sparks flying from the engine once you take off are normal."
"No no, it's cool. Once you take off, it'll be like sitting in your easy chair except for some fucking kid behind you screaming in your ear and kicking the back of your seat. Just try not to think about the landing."
"Oh man...... I was watching this movie the other night called Snakes On A Plane and......."
"Oh, don't worry about that shit, you know how Hollywood is. The biggest problem is some terrorist trying to blow that motherfucker up at 35,000 feet. And of course, there is the crash landing......"
Silence. Dead silence, then "That does it, I'm turning my fat ass around and getting the fuck out of here."
So, we may or may not be picking up Art at the airport tonight.
Goddamn, I just love spreading cheer and good will around.