Monday, March 05, 2012

Week One without Miss Lisa report

Well, Miss Lisa's been gone for an entire week today and I have to say that while I miss her mightily and can't wait for her to get back, I'm doing all right for myself.
I haven't been in a car wreck although I am long overdue for a vehicle totaling, I haven't gotten deathly ill, I haven't been shot stabbed raided or dogbit. I have not lost a dime rolling dice. I haven't tumbled down a hillside or into a lake (overdue on both of those, too) or slipped in the shower.

I've even done some good things too.
I cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes every night, wired up some security lights for the backyard, vacuumed the floors, made the bed last week, watered the plants and my fucking bowel movements are regular and healthy. Plus, I even broke down and finally added a vegetable to my dinner of meat tonight. A potato - well, frozen steak fries - but still...... Great big thick motherfuckers too, with lots of ketchup which I should probably add as a vegetable too, huh?
Eating all of them veggies all of a sudden is probably going to fuck up my regular and healthy bowel movements, you watch.

Wiring those security lights was one of those 30 minute jobs that took me about 2 hours.
I had a really big spot between the drive through gate and the back of the house that was in deep shadows and I wanted to take care of that. Not a problem, the garage has a few outlets as well as light fixtures that I can tap into. Okay, I have never plugged anything in or put in any light bulbs anywhere in the garage great big storage shed so after I wire the fixture up I hook up into of the outlet boxes and....... nothing. What the fuck? I checked it and it was dead. Not only was it dead but so was every other socket except one in the entire garage and that looks like it was hooked into the one in the ol' lady's laundry room on the other side of the wall. I pulled the fuses again and then climb up on a stepladder to check the wiring and Oh My God I can see why it wasn't working. The fucking place was wired with scrap wire, I shit you not, there was 5 feet of 14 gauge spliced into 12 feet of knob and tube and even a motherfucking extension cord up there and this shit was running everywhere all over the rafters. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
And on top of that, there's a million black widows and their egg sacs up here with me. Motherfuckers were everywhere.
So I start crawling around with my flashlight, tracing this and that before I finally found a wire that looked lit it was the main wire and cut it and put wire caps on it, then checked the one live socket I found to make sure it was wired up right and just wired my lights right into there. Fuck the rest of that, I'll wire that garage next weekend. I'm not an electrician but I can run lights and sockets using new shit, you know?
But let me tell you what, those photo cell lights have that backyard lit up brighter than San Quentin, baby. Fucking grass weeds are going to go up in flames from the heat from the lamps.....

Hopefully next week's report will be just as good. She's due back next Monday evening and it'll be good to have her home again even though I know I'm going to catch hell for the dust and dog hair and dirty floors and skidmarks on the furniture and whatnot.


  1. Set off some of those room foggers out in the garage before you go climbing around up there, Ken. When I first moved in here, and we had a TON of shit to throw away from the garage, I started poking around like you did, and found a bunch of black widows, along with some brown recluse spiders.
    I set FIVE foggers off in the garage, waited a day or two, and THEN went up in the rafters to get stuff down.
    I'm not scared of the spiders, it's their fucking BITES I don't like!

  2. Good thing my wife of almost 30 years doesn't read this blog.

    Do you know how many years I spent getting my wife to believe that I couldn't clean the bathrooms, do the dishes every night, vacuum the floors, make the bed, or water the plants as I was too stupid and irresponsible to be trusted with such complex tasks?

    Never mind that I am a nuclear physicist.

  3. Sounds like you love this lady.

    Your ass is "Clean up a bit".
    Yup, been there, done that.

    One tip. Now that ya got the "wireing" right, and the new security lights are "On" and workin...ya might want to encorporate a Motion sensor, so those bitches turn on for 5 minutes when there's motion...and not stay on all night, and cost ya all that electric...
    Photo cell's are great, if ya want all night "Light on". "Motion sensors", are cheap...available at any Home depot or...hardware store.
    Easy to wire in AT the LIGHT Source.

    Save ya a shitload of bucks in electric bills, as opposed to "Photo Cell"...all night long on.

    Just a thought. And yes...I DO know Electricity...

  4. Yeah, Jim, I hear ya.
    I'm gassing that motherfucker in stages over the week.
    Some of that stuff that's out there will eventually end up in the house, cleaning supplies and shit, and I don't want no widders hiding in a mop.

    Stu - It helps greatly that she left the house spotless. I have my camp around my Camouflage Bass Pro Easy Chair but other than that, the place is pretty much as she left it.

  5. You know, Nietzsche said something about being careful about looking into the abyss 'cus the abyss will look into you. You just can't live with someone who has a positive influence without having some of that shit rub off on you.

  6. When I changed the pipes under the house to pvc, I threw a couple boxes of mothballs in first, snakes and those 8 leggers hate naptha. I also added some in my
    well cover as the fucking fire ants love being in the electrical
    controls. BTW, congrats on still
    being alive and all.

  7. thanks for not posting pics of your healthy bowel movements.

  8. Damn Im glad you got them motion detectors working so the fireman will be able to see while they put the fire out in the garage!!Oh yeah dont forget you need one foot in a metal bucket half full of water before doing any electrical work.(idustry standard)


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