Fuck man, I just got back from the eye doctor for my appointment. He walks in and says "Ken. Good to see you again, I think." I smiled and nodded - I get that 'I think' shit a lot. "You've been my patient for 16 years now and I've only seen you 5 times. That means you've skipped 11 appointments. Why's that?"
"Um, maybe because I don't fucking like you?" Hey you don't wanna know, don't ask.
"Then why don't you go somewhere else?" he asks.
"Because I don't like you less than I don't like everybody else, I guess." Yeah, I know that didn't make any sense but Doc Gallagher figured it out.
"And why don't you like me?"
"Because in the 16 years I've been seeing you, I've gotten old and gray and you haven't changed a bit. Why's that?"
"Because you obviously need glasses, dumbass." Fucking guy's quick on his feet, huh?
Formalities and insults out of the way, we got on with my exam. I knew my vision hadn't changed that much but my glasses frames were starting to get a little fucked up and that's the real reason I was there. After we were done I went out to pick my lenses and frames. I wanted tinted lenses transitioning to fucking welding goggles in the sun, scratchcoating, and plain ol' black plastic frames. The tech added it all up and told me that my grand total was $308...... I started having chest pains right about then...... but then she said with my insurance the total cost was going to be my co-pay - 25 bucks.
So next week I'm going to be sporting some fancy new glasses - exactly like mine now. But hey, for 25 bucks? You can't beat that shit with a stick.
Then I get home and Lisa's on the phone (on speaker) with her son who is about to take his very first airplane ride to come stay with us.
I walk in and hear him talking about how damned nervous he is about flying for the first time so I went about trying to put the young man at ease.
"Hey Art, quit tripping, man. The most dangerous part is taking off and landing. If you get into the air all right, you only have to worry about the crash landing. And I'm pretty sure sparks flying from the engine once you take off are normal."
"Oh man......"
"No no, it's cool. Once you take off, it'll be like sitting in your easy chair except for some fucking kid behind you screaming in your ear and kicking the back of your seat. Just try not to think about the landing."
"Oh man...... I was watching this movie the other night called Snakes On A Plane and......."
"Oh, don't worry about that shit, you know how Hollywood is. The biggest problem is some terrorist trying to blow that motherfucker up at 35,000 feet. And of course, there is the crash landing......"
Silence. Dead silence, then "That does it, I'm turning my fat ass around and getting the fuck out of here."
So, we may or may not be picking up Art at the airport tonight.
Goddamn, I just love spreading cheer and good will around.
Here all this time I thought I was an ornery bastard.....
ReplyDelete$308 for a pair of glasses? They must be the Buddy Holly ones dude. Last pair I bought before I had Lasik done cost about $500 Taht was 4 years ago... Either I was getting ripped or...
ReplyDeleteHad Lasik done because the dog chewed on 2 pairs and I sat on two pairs and lost one pair... hated them... thought at that rate Lasik was the ticket.
I dont fly anymore...just for those same reasons....!
ReplyDeleteBoarshide
You, Mr. wirecutter, Sir, are an asshole. :-D we want pictures of your new glasses.
ReplyDeleteMine are so bad that my new glasses came in at $548. And that's with cheap frames. I'm considering Lasik so my lenses aren't so expensive.
That was funny, Kenny. I always tell people this.
ReplyDeleteI got no problem with flying- it's the crashing that bothers me.
Wrench - yup, Buddy Holly frames, just a bit smaller. A tip - Walmart has the same style of frames made by Wrangler for 85 bucks.
ReplyDeleteWiserangel - I keep hoping for cataracts so I can get free Lasik surgery.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're not the first person to call me an asshole today - there was Doc, Art, the guy at the hardware store, the homeless dude outside the 7-11, Mom, the mailman, the neighbor across the street..... I was in fine form today.
And I've still got to go to Sacramento to pick up Lisa's son so that gives me an entire city to piss off yet.
Yes, but I call you an asshole with all the love and reverance a student can muster for a mentor. That makes you a special kind of asshole. ;-)
ReplyDeleteGreyhound and Amtrak are available. Me? I drive or stay the fuck home.
ReplyDeleteLast pair of glasses I got were $200+ co-pay (transition bifocals,transition darkening), my wife's were $30. About the 3rd time the person adding up the bill mentioned that, I told her she didn't need to keep saying it because I knew I would be catching grief from my wife
for awhile anyway.
Btw, I usually only get my eyes checked every 5 years. Unless there's some problem with my glasses.
I only get glasses when I need them,
ReplyDeletelike when I can't hit the target at least 50% of the time.
I've been getting my glasses online at a fraction of the price of even Walmart. The most I've spent was $97 shipped, with almost every possible option--progressive bifocals with anti-reflective, anti-oil, anti-fingerprint and transitioning to amber sunglasses. The ones I use at work--just progressive bifocals and nothing else were under $30 shipped.
ReplyDeleteI pay extra for prescription safety glasses, and then my transitions, etc... Both for work and range work. Blind as a bat and safety glasses over glasses equal horrible aim.
ReplyDelete