Sunday, February 24, 2013

My trip to the Walmart

I had to go to the Walmart today. I hate the Walmart. I HATE THE WALMART.
But it's either the Walmart or driving into Modesto which I hate even more.

I only had 5 items on my list - tea, lemonade, CGD food, toothpaste and them little crackers in the green box.
Lisa's not feeling well today and she paints and I know for a fact that she's out of brown paint because she asked me to pick her some last time and I got the wrong kind, so I figured I'd pick some up for her while I was there. Okay, 6 items.
So I go and pick up the tea first because it's closest and I know exactly where it's at. Just as I'm reaching for it, Hari the Hindu rounds the corner and stops right in front of me with his sari clad wife and 3 little hindi.
"'Scuse me, Hari" I say, always the polite one. Then I go get the lemonade and of course they don't have the kind we like so I start to get another kind. Just as I'm reaching for it, here comes Hari again and he stops right in front of me. I excuse myself again and continue over to the crafts aisle looking for brown acrylic paint. I see tea brown, I see cinnamon brown, I see outdoor brown. I do not see plain motherfucking brown acrylic paint. I call Lisa and tell her that motherfuckers are starting to piss me the fuck off and is cinnamon brown paint good enough. She tells me yes (I wasn't expecting a different answer when I put it that way), so I picked it up and then backed right into you guessed it, Hari the Hindu. I gritted my teeth and told him "Look. I'm headed that way. You go that way." He nodded and headed off in the direction I pointed, to the feminine products section.
Little crackers in the green box. You would think they'd be in the cookie aisle or at least close by, right? Nope. How about the bread aisle? Uh-uh. I found the motherfuckers in the coffee and tea aisle where I started my shopping experience. Coffee and tea aisle..... But I got 'em.
Dog food and tooth paste. I know where that shit is. I go to the toothpaste aisle and see Hari again who grabs his family and flees. Then I head towards the dog food but see a clear path to the sporting goods section so I jam over there to check and see if by some miracle they have any other ammo besides 45-70 in stock. That's a no-go so I head for the dog food but am detoured by a gang of teenage girls towards the bedding section.
As I'm walking through there I hear a bed squeaking. I come around the corner and look up and see a wore out (and I do mean wore out) tweeker chick on a bed on the second tier of the displays bouncing up and down on a bed while her ex-convict old man is riding herd on the kids. These fucking people are Nasty with a capital N. Lice and shit nasty. I close my eyes and shake my head. Note to self: NEVER buy bedding from Walmart.

I'm finally fucking done and ready to check out so I jump in line and who in the hell is in front of me? You guessed it - Hari the Hindu and his family. Not a problem though, he sees me coming and moves over to another line.
I get checked out and immediately get mobbed by a shitload of Brownies selling Girl Scout cookies and 3 petition guys. Can my trip get any worse?
Yup. I forgot where I parked my truck.

I think I need to start thinking of going to the Walmart as entertainment instead of a chore. It might make it a little easier.


hiswiserangel said...

I need to teach you. I'm a power shopper. Hit 5 stores including Walmart and Sam's Club (MegaWalmart) in 2 hours yesterday. Eyes straight ahead, cold stare, running down blue-haired old ladies standing in the ailes sampling cookies and Pinot Grigio. No mercy.

wirecutter said...

I didn't even talk about having to constantly avoid people who stop dead in the middle of those narrow aisles to text.
I'm saving that for another post.

Old Goat Patrol said...

I work with a bunch of H1B Hadjis in a scientific field. We actually had a seminar for just the "Americans" to understand their culture. It seems the millennia old cast system in India makes them all try to be superior and their personal space stops an inch from you. It's worse for women. Your reaction was spot on.

drjim said...

I think I've only been to a WalMart once or twice.

When I go to the Costco, though, I power in and power out. What would take my sweet little wife 2 hours I can do in 20 minutes.

crankyjohn said...

W.C. I buy shit in bulk. When I buy toothpaste I buy 10 tubes at a time. Same thing with shampoo and just about anything else I can afford. It cuts down on the trips to El Walmarto.

PioneerPreppy said...

If it had been me Hari would have stayed in the line (which would have been the shortest) and then started having price tag issues and using coupons.

Anonymous said...

I try to never go there after 7:30am and have been there as early as 0400. Can't stand crowds or lines. There are no crowds..usually workers in the aisles and people getting off of work or going to work....I think you like the adrenaline rush WC.. ha..


pdwalker said...

Do it for the blog fodder.

Jason said...

Bring a camera with you next time. The most fun a guy can have, take pictures of people when they don't expect it. They fucking hate that.

Besides, where else are you gonna find such a diverse crowd of fucked up creatures.

Try the Walmarts in Carson City at 2:30 A.M. if you want to see some crazy shit.

Sara said...

If it makes you feel any better I once got kicked out of Rainbow. (Big Box grocery store) Bunch of people blocking the aisle reading the bread packages. It is bread for fucks sake, you know what is in it, you get the same kind every god damned time you are here, put it in your cart and get the fuck out of my way. That was my thought. Unfortunately it was not just a thought, it somehow came out of my mouth very loudly. One of those moments my mom calls the tongue being at a gallop before the brain is in the saddle... They don't take too kindly to you yelling that at the blue haired people in suburbia. Go figure.

wirecutter said...

Fucking hilarious - I can just see 8 pairs of teeth skittering across the floor, BHOL (Blue Headed Old Ladies) staggering backwards in shock.....

Edward Teach said...

Holy hell...they have 45-70 there??

pdwalker said...

That's excellent Sara. We all have thoughts like that and most of us, most of the time are able to stop them from shooting our our mouth before we offend someone's delicate sensibilities.

I tell my daughter that before she opens her mouth to say something, she should run it through the "bozo filter".

"What's that Daddy?"

"A bozo filter is what you use when you say something to yourself in your head first and you listen to what you are about to say. If it makes you sound like a bozo, then you can reconsider whether you really want to say it"

Stretch said...

Was in big box grocery store when little sub-continent brat pushed his mommy's cart into my ankle. First time he gets a "Be careful there little fella." Second time "Mame, could you push the cart?" Third time "Damn it lady leave the brat in the car next time."
At that point Daddy Sahib shows up and tells me "It's not your place to address my wife."

I called him a "bint-walla" (Pimp) and told him if he couldn't control her and her whelps he should sell them to someone who could.

Thought he was going to stroke out right then and there.

MattS said...

I always park in the same aisle.

My wife does too, now.

We always find the car on the first try.

It's the only way.

Sara said...

Yup, bingo ladies...
PD, I used to have some kind of filter. Never a great one, but it was kind of there. I have found that the older I get the less it catches. By the time I am a bingo lady myself they are going to have to lock me up for my own damn good and protection.