A guy walks into a sporting goods store and upon seeing an enormous stuffed bear, decides it would be really cool to go out hunting and get a bear of his own for his house. Without consulting anyone, he buys a rifle and some basic camping gear, gets his hunting license and heads off to the woods. Two days into the hunt, he spots a bear downhill from him in a clearing, pulls out his rifle, takes aim and fires. He thinks he sees the bear go down and while putting his gun in his truck he feels a tap on his shoulder and when he turns around he is stunned to see that it's the bear! The bear looks at him and calmly says, "Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice that you shot at me and that makes me very angry. The only way I can see to remedy this is one of two ways. The first is that I maul you to death and leave your carcass here for the crows, or you can give me a blowjob....your choice"
Of course the guy doesn't want to die and proceeds to give the bear a blowjob after which the bear wanders off and the the guy embarrassed beyond words heads back to the sporting good store to try and return the rifle he bought. When the clerk finds out that he bought the rifle to go bear hunting he explains to him that the rifle he bought was too small for bear and convinces him to buy a much larger caliber weapon that he guarateed would drop even the biggest bear with one shot.
The hunter heads back out to the woods and starts hunting bear again and while he sees several bears in the days to come, he is looking for "the bear" and when he spots him, he takes aim and fires his gun which so powerful, the recoil knocks him down. When he gets up, the bear is nowhere to be seen and once again while putting his gun away, he feels an all too familiar tap on his shoulder. It's the same bear and again he speaks to him. "Sir, once again I find myself being shot at by you and since you and I are aquainted with the choices I'm going to offer, what is your preference this time?"
After another bear blowjob and humiliating ride into town, he heads this time to the local pawn shop to pawn his "bear" rifle. As luck would have it, he spies an AK-47 and figures that if anything could kill that bear, it would this semi-automatic weapon. He trades the rifle for the AK and heads back to the woods in search of "the bear". Several days pass and just when he is about to give up, he finds him in a clearing and unloads the entire clip of bullets in the bear's direction. Delighted to think that he has finally killed him, he runs down to the clearing to claim his prize and is amazed to see there is no bear carcass. While slowly trudging back to his truck, he once again feels the dreaded tap on his shoulder and when he turns around is stunned to see the bear standing before him.
The bear fondly looks down at him and says ' it's not about the hunting, is it?'
Black Comedy Rape: "Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper" is notable for being one of the few articles removed from the main site. A subversion, as the article's clownish treatment of the horrific subject matter was itself the joke.
Can we see if some of our politicians want to go play with the cuddly teddy bear...? ;)
ReplyDeleteIs that an onion piece?
ReplyDeleteI can often not tell if my leg is being pulled or not!
If that story is true, they couldn't possibly write it with all those puns - could they?
A guy walks into a sporting goods store and upon seeing an enormous stuffed bear, decides it would be really cool to go out hunting and get a bear of his own for his house. Without consulting anyone, he buys a rifle and some basic camping gear, gets his hunting license and heads off to the woods. Two days into the hunt, he spots a bear downhill from him in a clearing, pulls out his rifle, takes aim and fires. He thinks he sees the bear go down and while putting his gun in his truck he feels a tap on his shoulder and when he turns around he is stunned to see that it's the bear! The bear looks at him and calmly says, "Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice that you shot at me and that makes me very angry. The only way I can see to remedy this is one of two ways. The first is that I maul you to death and leave your carcass here for the crows, or you can give me a blowjob....your choice"
ReplyDeleteOf course the guy doesn't want to die and proceeds to give the bear a blowjob after which the bear wanders off and the the guy embarrassed beyond words heads back to the sporting good store to try and return the rifle he bought. When the clerk finds out that he bought the rifle to go bear hunting he explains to him that the rifle he bought was too small for bear and convinces him to buy a much larger caliber weapon that he guarateed would drop even the biggest bear with one shot.
The hunter heads back out to the woods and starts hunting bear again and while he sees several bears in the days to come, he is looking for "the bear" and when he spots him, he takes aim and fires his gun which so powerful, the recoil knocks him down. When he gets up, the bear is nowhere to be seen and once again while putting his gun away, he feels an all too familiar tap on his shoulder. It's the same bear and again he speaks to him. "Sir, once again I find myself being shot at by you and since you and I are aquainted with the choices I'm going to offer, what is your preference this time?"
After another bear blowjob and humiliating ride into town, he heads this time to the local pawn shop to pawn his "bear" rifle. As luck would have it, he spies an AK-47 and figures that if anything could kill that bear, it would this semi-automatic weapon. He trades the rifle for the AK and heads back to the woods in search of "the bear". Several days pass and just when he is about to give up, he finds him in a clearing and unloads the entire clip of bullets in the bear's direction. Delighted to think that he has finally killed him, he runs down to the clearing to claim his prize and is amazed to see there is no bear carcass. While slowly trudging back to his truck, he once again feels the dreaded tap on his shoulder and when he turns around is stunned to see the bear standing before him.
The bear fondly looks down at him and says ' it's not about the hunting, is it?'
It's from the Onion
ReplyDeleteBlack Comedy Rape:
"Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper" is notable for being one of the few articles removed from the main site. A subversion, as the article's clownish treatment of the horrific subject matter was itself the joke.
from: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Website/TheOnion?from=Main.TheOnion
It had me going.