I actually picked up her ashes Saturday morning. I know it sounds weird but one thing that really bothered me was the thought of her spending a few days in a freezer before they cremated her, as much as she disliked the cold, so it was no small thing knowing they cremated her right after she was put to sleep.
It's still hard. I keep finding myself reaching down to pet her when I'm in the house, and when me and that asshole dog Jack are out for his morning run I keep looking for her to make sure she's close and not in the brush or trees where she'd be coyote bait.
The mornings are worse. She slept on my bed most of the time and now I'm waking up and reaching down to scratch her and give her morning belly rubs. That used to start both of our day in a pretty good mood, now it's just another "Aw fuck" moment.
But it will pass. It always does.
Even that asshole dog Jack has been remarkably subdued. I don't know if it's because he misses her, if he senses from me and Lisa that something's wrong or if it's because I keep telling him if he doesn't get his shit together and quit fucking up, he's next. Take your pick.
Again, thank all of you, especially Big Country who sent me a copy of The Rainbow Bridge. I made the mistake of opening the package in the post office, then walked out with my head hanging so nobody would see me all teary eyed.
The book is sitting on the table with her and CharlieGodammit's ashes. It's a nice tribute.
And then Julie and Tim passed this song on to me. It's nice and bluesy, fitting the mood perfectly but still brings a smile to my face.
